i am done with my graceless heart;
It's going to be Christmas in a couple of hours (awkwardly so, since most other people on my Livejournal list would have started their Christmas) and I don't suppose Christmases (and New Year's Eves) for me aren't complete without some sort of soul-searching.
It's been, I'd say, a very interesting year. Actually, that word doesn't quite cut it; I've learnt a lot about myself and about how to handle certain things. For a start, I'm learning to ask myself, "What do I want from life?" I've also learnt to ask myself another similarly-worded question: "What do I want from myself?" And I'm learning how to answer those questions for myself without reference to somebody else. It's been a year in which I've had to continuously remind myself that I need to be myself, not someone that I think is cooler, more talented, in a better place, better-looking, more sociable, more outgoing ... and the list does not exhaust itself. I'm learning to understand that so many of things I've done that I've ended up feeling somewhat silly about come about as a result of this Sisyphean effort to be somebody else. Ironically, for me, the hardest thing to do is to be myself.
It's true: there isn't really such a thing as "me" and "them". We can technically be anything; there is no inherent function or limit that stops us from learning and picking up things (unless you're discussing really complicated ballet, which, still, can be approximated to a particular extent). But as much as coldthermistor and I concur that psychology is 90% pseudo-science and 10% bullshit (=100% bullshit), it's difficult to deny that we are a product of a complicated morass of factors, known and unknown, and that the way we behave and interact and understand the world is moulded and shaped by the things that happened to us in our lives and by the people whom we have known and learnt about the world from (among other factors that we may possibly never know). To that extent, there are some things we currently are and aren't, and some things that we have and don't have. To say that God has given each of us our lot is a somewhat resigned and defeated attitude, but it is true that somehow, God has situated us in some particular situation in a particular context within a particular world on this planet. The hardest question for any human to answer is therefore, "Why am I here?" To which the reply will never be a statement, but more questions: and no one will ever stop asking them, because questions, not answers, are the basis of our existence. Everything we do is an answer to that question, and hence for me what we need to do as humans is to constantly think about how we are answering our most fundamental life questions. I've learnt these past few months that the people I find hardest to talk to are those who don't realise that they do not have the answers to everything, and I find it even more difficult to talk to the people who don't realise that they need to ask questions. And I don't mean this in the sense of haranguing a guest speaker during a cross-continental seminar: I mean this in the sense of asking themselves what they see in life, what they need, and what they want. Only by realising that you don't have all the answers - and learning to believe in your capacity to find answers to them - can one live life without being complacent about things. It also, for me, helps one to respect and love others because he or she understands that everyone, really, is just trying to find answers to everything.
I realise I'm ranting, and that probably made neither argumentative nor logical sense, but it's the way the year has been shaping my philosophy. And coldthermistor, please don't diss me on abusing that P-word.
It's been, I'd say, a very interesting year. Actually, that word doesn't quite cut it; I've learnt a lot about myself and about how to handle certain things. For a start, I'm learning to ask myself, "What do I want from life?" I've also learnt to ask myself another similarly-worded question: "What do I want from myself?" And I'm learning how to answer those questions for myself without reference to somebody else. It's been a year in which I've had to continuously remind myself that I need to be myself, not someone that I think is cooler, more talented, in a better place, better-looking, more sociable, more outgoing ... and the list does not exhaust itself. I'm learning to understand that so many of things I've done that I've ended up feeling somewhat silly about come about as a result of this Sisyphean effort to be somebody else. Ironically, for me, the hardest thing to do is to be myself.
It's true: there isn't really such a thing as "me" and "them". We can technically be anything; there is no inherent function or limit that stops us from learning and picking up things (unless you're discussing really complicated ballet, which, still, can be approximated to a particular extent). But as much as coldthermistor and I concur that psychology is 90% pseudo-science and 10% bullshit (=100% bullshit), it's difficult to deny that we are a product of a complicated morass of factors, known and unknown, and that the way we behave and interact and understand the world is moulded and shaped by the things that happened to us in our lives and by the people whom we have known and learnt about the world from (among other factors that we may possibly never know). To that extent, there are some things we currently are and aren't, and some things that we have and don't have. To say that God has given each of us our lot is a somewhat resigned and defeated attitude, but it is true that somehow, God has situated us in some particular situation in a particular context within a particular world on this planet. The hardest question for any human to answer is therefore, "Why am I here?" To which the reply will never be a statement, but more questions: and no one will ever stop asking them, because questions, not answers, are the basis of our existence. Everything we do is an answer to that question, and hence for me what we need to do as humans is to constantly think about how we are answering our most fundamental life questions. I've learnt these past few months that the people I find hardest to talk to are those who don't realise that they do not have the answers to everything, and I find it even more difficult to talk to the people who don't realise that they need to ask questions. And I don't mean this in the sense of haranguing a guest speaker during a cross-continental seminar: I mean this in the sense of asking themselves what they see in life, what they need, and what they want. Only by realising that you don't have all the answers - and learning to believe in your capacity to find answers to them - can one live life without being complacent about things. It also, for me, helps one to respect and love others because he or she understands that everyone, really, is just trying to find answers to everything.
I realise I'm ranting, and that probably made neither argumentative nor logical sense, but it's the way the year has been shaping my philosophy. And coldthermistor, please don't diss me on abusing that P-word.