Exhausted Ramblings about Coffee shop conversations

[nachotummy]

I did not sleep well last night. I don't know why.
I finished an assignment around midnight. I tried to sleep for two hours. No luck.
I watched the Office. I loved it.
I watched Grey's Anatomy. It was alright.
I got to sleep at 4:30. Up at 7:30. Went to class.

Class was fine. Went to a coffee shop with my Canadian friend Stephanie. Stephanie and I

Comments

[jean_yus]

I'm too self assured to find guys (or girls) who say things like that interesting. (No offense Ned). I hear about the cold and indifferent girl and think if that was me, it's not that I'm afraid of what I want, it's that I don't want YOU and so that's how you're going to get around my rejection without fracturing your eggshell ego.

I decided a while ago, when I was changing over from backsliding into living for God, that all I really wanted was to be a positive influence on someone's life. I wanted to make an impact. It didn't have to be world changing, but if I could make someone see themselves better, live better, be better to someone else, then I could feel like I was doing what God wanted me to do here. I suppose one could sum that up into I want to love others so that they know God loves them, but that just sounds so pretentious. And pretentious Christians piss me off. ;)

Masks, however, are an interesting topic and one that I've been working on for myself since shortly before I was pregnant with Kate. I heard a speaker, Andy Koonstra, and was inspired.

[nachotummy]

Were you inspired to keep one or lose one?

I kind of think that masks are entirely appropriate a lot of the time. For example, with above presumptuous Parisian, I'm not going to offer any real piece of myself. This doesn't mean one isn't honest. It just means that one isn't necessarily forthcoming.

I know i didn't explain the story well. He wasn't trying to get with the girl. He was observing how she acted towards another guy who he considered (with evidence that kind of made sense) that she was interested in. Like she asked about this guy after he left, but was haughty or something? I don't know. I was kind of out of it yesterday.

[jean_yus]

I was inspired to lose one/them. Andy was gay. And he's been married and had kids since then. 25 years married or so by now. But he is who he is. And admits who he was. Not in a flaunty (pretentious) type way, just the, yup, that's my story. But now I'm healed and look what God has done!!! He's very good to bring it back to God always. And has been honest about it with his kids and wife and now when people ask, "I heard you're dad was gay...?" The kids respond with, "YEAH! But now he's not and it was God..." and they testify.

I think it made me accept that who I am and what I've done is a part of me and though forgiven, it's not something I need to live in shame of. Because of God's forgiveness. So, when appropriate, I have no issue or fear of sharing the bad choices I've made with others if I believe that God will use it to bring healing to their lives.

I used to be afraid of sharing specific choices, but I'm not anymore. Mostly because God spoke to me in that particular conference and said He could me, but only if I was willing to be who I was and that included my past choices. Pretending to be reformed and perfect and holy wasn't useful. What hit home was the realization that my testimony, in the right circumstances, could potentially prevent another girl/woman from making choices that I made. And I'd rather face myself and what I did and share with her than have another person do things I've done and then have to face the consequences I faced.

I used to fear telling people because, Christians especially, are judgmental. And they don't even have to be specifically speaking about what "you did." But if you're going on about how I swear or that I smoked or I have wine with dinner or I don't attend a regular service or whatever inconsequential act I seem to commit that offends your religious persona, I'm not about to open up about something that I've done that you've petitioned against, or held rallies about, or raged publicly about. But now I don' care so much, if it'll be useful for a particular person to hear it.

Did I even answer a question?

[jean_yus]

Oh, and I think "social grace" is a type of mask that is definitely appropriate. I think that often it's more important what I DON'T say to my husband, my siblings, my in-laws, my co-workers, my parents, my church family, my friends and the general public that truly shows Christ living in me. Because often, the things I think to say aren't the best things to say. So I don a "mask" (social grace) and keep quiet, or choose encouraging words, instead of saying what the abrupt self of me really wants to say.

Funny thing is, most people think I'm very straightforward and often harsh. If only they knew what I was thinking and chose not say....