What's my theme song, you ask?
Well, maybe you don't ask. But I don't care. My theme song is "Wonderboy" by Tenacious D. Why?
'Cause I'm just that damn good, motherfucker.
To a lesser extent, my theme song is also "I Love My Computer" by Bad Religion, which has something to do with me being "Wonderboy". Why am I so powerful as to be able to consider "Wonderboy" *my* theme song?
'Cause I'm single, bitch.
Yeah, that's right. I've complained about it for a long long time, but you know what? Being unattached to you ladytypes is what keeps me powerful. I was freaking 5th in damage in Molten Core last night. I led every hunter. In between reflection on the raid and making fun of our main tank for not being there because he went to prom and got laid (pfft.), I realized something. Let me express this in a bogus mathematical formula:
Attack Power of a WoW Character = Agi/Str + Equipment Bonuses + Any Relevant Buffs x Awesomeness / Level of Worldly Attachment^Worldly Attachments That Don't Play WoW.
For those of you who fail at reading mathematical symbols, that's Agility or Strength (depending on whether you're going for melee or ranged), plus bonuses from equipment (i.e. stuff that gives you a given addition to your attack power), plus any buffs that may further increase these stats. Multiply all this by your level of awesomeness. After that, you divide by your level of worldly attachment (parents, girlfriends/boyfriends, wives/husbands, even pets can figure into this) which is multipled to the power of how many of them don't play WoW. The result is your true attack power in WoW. Let's use my 60 hunter, Kyral, as an example:
376 (Agi) + 98 (Attack Power Bonuses) + 0 (Buffs) x 5000 (Hey, it's fair.) / 1 (I'm attached to myself. That, and you have to deal with mathematical errors if you don't put this in.)^0 (This is basically cancelled out because of the initial lack of attachment.) = 2370000 Ranged Attack Power.
That is some serious attack power. Now, had I possessed any level of worldly attachment, that could easily have been knocked down into the 1000s. Parents count as 200, girlfriends/boyfriends as 1000, and wives/husbands count as 5000. If I had a girlfriend, what would I be down to? Well, let's see. 2370000 divided by 1000 is 2370.
2370. I don't think I need to tell you that is a serious handicap. And a wife would bring me down to a pathetic 474 attack power, totally erasing my awesomeness. Most WoW players can't take this harsh a penalty, so most of them get their wives or husbands to play. My guild leader Mahonri is a fine example of this. His wife plays as Dawning, a significant member of our guild. Because his worldly attachment does not penalize him (5000 to the power of 0 is 0) he is able to place in the top ranks of the guild's raid damage meters with single people like me. So what does this mean for you?
If you want to do any real damage in WoW, and that pesky level of worldly attachment is dragging you down, you have to do one of three things:
1) Grow up. You lose the parents penalty when you hit 18 years of age.
2) Dump your girlfriend or boyfriend/divorce your husband or wife. They're just dragging you down, and they're always asking you to buy them things or have sex with them. I mean, come on, what's more important: sex, or doing the mad damage?
3) Get your worldly attachments playing WoW. Got nobody to give that 10-day trial to? Give it to your dad and get him in on this action. Miss that MC raid Saturday because you were making out with your girlfriend in the backseat of your car? Buy her the game and a time card, she won't be pulling that crap again.
In closing, I would like to reference an argument I had with our guild's main tank, a fellow by the name of Pixiedust. He'd gotten back from prom after our MC run had finished out, and he found that, much to his displeasure, Magmadar had dropped the Legplates of Might, an epic pair of pants he'd been wanting since we'd started running MC. After initial sorrow, he consoled himself by saying "girls > epic pants". Honestly, this is about as true as that one Weekly World News I saw about a parrot marriage counselor. You don't need girls, or boys, or parents, or any of that crap if you have EPIC PANTS. They're epic. They're pants. It's so obvious a caveman could figure it out, and I swear to Christ if any of you cavemen get offended by that I'm going to feed you to a shark. So, you wanna be like me, you wanna have the pure power to say "Wonderboy" is your theme song, and mean it? Then you gotta drop that chick/dude like s/he's hot (even if s/he is in fact hot) and devote yourself to the life of a true gamer. Not only will you be stronger in WoW, but you'll get better at Counter-strike, Half-Life, Gunbound, Super Smash Bros. Melee, Soul Calibur, D&D, you name it.
P.S.: If you just can't break from your worldly attachments, then there is still some use for you in WoW, you don't need to quit just yet. You can be a healer. Evidence shows that healers actually benefit from worldly attachment through such things as increased crit heal rate, more timely druid Innervates, and that kinda stuff. If that's not gonna work for you, though, I recommend you throw in the towel. It's sex or l33t gaming skillz, my friend...you can't have both. =P
'Cause I'm just that damn good, motherfucker.
To a lesser extent, my theme song is also "I Love My Computer" by Bad Religion, which has something to do with me being "Wonderboy". Why am I so powerful as to be able to consider "Wonderboy" *my* theme song?
'Cause I'm single, bitch.
Yeah, that's right. I've complained about it for a long long time, but you know what? Being unattached to you ladytypes is what keeps me powerful. I was freaking 5th in damage in Molten Core last night. I led every hunter. In between reflection on the raid and making fun of our main tank for not being there because he went to prom and got laid (pfft.), I realized something. Let me express this in a bogus mathematical formula:
Attack Power of a WoW Character = Agi/Str + Equipment Bonuses + Any Relevant Buffs x Awesomeness / Level of Worldly Attachment^Worldly Attachments That Don't Play WoW.
For those of you who fail at reading mathematical symbols, that's Agility or Strength (depending on whether you're going for melee or ranged), plus bonuses from equipment (i.e. stuff that gives you a given addition to your attack power), plus any buffs that may further increase these stats. Multiply all this by your level of awesomeness. After that, you divide by your level of worldly attachment (parents, girlfriends/boyfriends, wives/husbands, even pets can figure into this) which is multipled to the power of how many of them don't play WoW. The result is your true attack power in WoW. Let's use my 60 hunter, Kyral, as an example:
376 (Agi) + 98 (Attack Power Bonuses) + 0 (Buffs) x 5000 (Hey, it's fair.) / 1 (I'm attached to myself. That, and you have to deal with mathematical errors if you don't put this in.)^0 (This is basically cancelled out because of the initial lack of attachment.) = 2370000 Ranged Attack Power.
That is some serious attack power. Now, had I possessed any level of worldly attachment, that could easily have been knocked down into the 1000s. Parents count as 200, girlfriends/boyfriends as 1000, and wives/husbands count as 5000. If I had a girlfriend, what would I be down to? Well, let's see. 2370000 divided by 1000 is 2370.
2370. I don't think I need to tell you that is a serious handicap. And a wife would bring me down to a pathetic 474 attack power, totally erasing my awesomeness. Most WoW players can't take this harsh a penalty, so most of them get their wives or husbands to play. My guild leader Mahonri is a fine example of this. His wife plays as Dawning, a significant member of our guild. Because his worldly attachment does not penalize him (5000 to the power of 0 is 0) he is able to place in the top ranks of the guild's raid damage meters with single people like me. So what does this mean for you?
If you want to do any real damage in WoW, and that pesky level of worldly attachment is dragging you down, you have to do one of three things:
1) Grow up. You lose the parents penalty when you hit 18 years of age.
2) Dump your girlfriend or boyfriend/divorce your husband or wife. They're just dragging you down, and they're always asking you to buy them things or have sex with them. I mean, come on, what's more important: sex, or doing the mad damage?
3) Get your worldly attachments playing WoW. Got nobody to give that 10-day trial to? Give it to your dad and get him in on this action. Miss that MC raid Saturday because you were making out with your girlfriend in the backseat of your car? Buy her the game and a time card, she won't be pulling that crap again.
In closing, I would like to reference an argument I had with our guild's main tank, a fellow by the name of Pixiedust. He'd gotten back from prom after our MC run had finished out, and he found that, much to his displeasure, Magmadar had dropped the Legplates of Might, an epic pair of pants he'd been wanting since we'd started running MC. After initial sorrow, he consoled himself by saying "girls > epic pants". Honestly, this is about as true as that one Weekly World News I saw about a parrot marriage counselor. You don't need girls, or boys, or parents, or any of that crap if you have EPIC PANTS. They're epic. They're pants. It's so obvious a caveman could figure it out, and I swear to Christ if any of you cavemen get offended by that I'm going to feed you to a shark. So, you wanna be like me, you wanna have the pure power to say "Wonderboy" is your theme song, and mean it? Then you gotta drop that chick/dude like s/he's hot (even if s/he is in fact hot) and devote yourself to the life of a true gamer. Not only will you be stronger in WoW, but you'll get better at Counter-strike, Half-Life, Gunbound, Super Smash Bros. Melee, Soul Calibur, D&D, you name it.
P.S.: If you just can't break from your worldly attachments, then there is still some use for you in WoW, you don't need to quit just yet. You can be a healer. Evidence shows that healers actually benefit from worldly attachment through such things as increased crit heal rate, more timely druid Innervates, and that kinda stuff. If that's not gonna work for you, though, I recommend you throw in the towel. It's sex or l33t gaming skillz, my friend...you can't have both. =P