Sink or Swim

[naamah_darling]

Had a major breakdown yesterday, started by having to individualize and address half the letters for the Great Necklace Project (GNP), several of which involved telling people the bad news. Somehow, signing, folding, and stuffing the letters was just . . . horrible. Then my husband called, we had a miscommunication, and that ended up in a really

Comments

[onceupon]

I worry about you -- take what time you need instead of worrying about whether you should have already had enough time to process this stuff.

*hug*

[naamah_darling]

Thanks.

It would be easier if everyone around me (lj company and my parents excepted) were not constantly bombarding me with the metamessage that everything will be fine and I shouldn't be worried.

Somehow the logic of that escapes me.

Seriously.

I admit, there is a kind of relief in knowing that there's no hope for my mom . . . I don't have to wait to see if she's going to get better or worse. It's just a matter of _how long_, not _whether_.

But the next time someone who knows the score tells me it's "not that bad," they are going to get the Fist of DEATH.

Grrrrrrrr!!!

[onceupon]

GRRRRRR indeed! Sometimes well-meaning people only make things worse.

But just hold on to the knowledge that you are doing something incredible to make your mom's days as amazing as possible. That's really all you can do. And if other people don't understand that, they're going to have to get themselves edumacated.

[naamah_darling]

I don't get why people have this urge to tell upset/depressed people that everything will be all right, that things will get better. I mean, hearing that is nice, sure. And very necessary.

But there's a HUGE difference between saying "You're strong enough to cope with this unbelievable crap that life has heaped upon you," and saying "Oh, these problems that seem unsolvable and are making life intolerable for you are really nothing, a cinch, and you SHOULD be able to cope with it, since you're so SMART and all."

That's where the metamessage comes in. They say "that's terrible," and make sympathetic noises, when what they mean between the lines is "you'll get over it any minute now, and if you don't . . . well, you'd better just hurry up."

I guess what I'm wanting is validation, confirmation that my problems would bother anyone, and that I'm holding up well, maybe even better than expected. And what I get is people belittling my problems, which makes me feel like a pussy for not being able to bite down and cope.

And I'm sure I'm

[onceupon]

I am SUCH a pollyanna some times. Because I really do believe that the only alternative to things working out is us keeling over.

However, that being said, you are in a tough place right now and you ARE handling it very well. This situation would screw anyone up. The thing to remember is that if people are handling the offer of comfort clumsily, it's probably because they are vastly unsure of themselves in this situation and uncomfortable to boot because they don't want to think about it happening to them.

If they are expecting you to just be some sort of automaton, well, screw them. Things WILL get better -- but not because everything is so inconsequential that it doesn't matter. Things will get better because you'll find a way to deal with it that works for you. Chances are good things will then get worse, because the universe sometimes sucks that way. And then you'll find a way that works for you to deal with that.

And everyone else can just go hang.