Assumptions and the Tyranny of Identity
So, I wrote this on Tumblr, but I thought I'd repost it here.
A quote:
Women are often acutely aware of being gendered as female as they make their way through everyday experiences in the world. Not paying attention to masculinity might mean walking to your car at night without thinking about personal safety or the possibility of sexual assault. Women often hold their keys at the ready, walk in pairs, or remain hypervigilant about their surroundings in ways that often simply don't occur to men. Because girls are raised knowing they will be judged on how they look, women are intensely aware of their image from head to toe. Men may not give a second thought to what they're wearing. Looking good can matter for everyone, but the social stakes for men are not as high if they look sloppy, unattractive, skinny, or fat. And what if a woman feels cranky one day? What if she's deep in thought, or she just doesn't feel like smiling? Women are used to being told my total strangers to smile (read: Be more friendly and less ornery). Men are rarely -- if ever -- told to smile. Men are not required to be socially accessible. Men don't generally get accused of PMS-ing (again, read: not being nice enough). Being acutely aware of one's gender in this way is something men rarely experience.
-Shira Tarrant, PhD, Men and Feminism
This is the truth, and something I wish more people would make an effort to understand. It is a weird feeling to experience this and to realize that it’s a fundamental property of being read as female in this culture.
It’s even weirder when you go through your daily life and you have these experiences of being intensely aware of being “female” because you are in a “female” body, and you have no fixed gender identity. It’s like playing a constant tug-o-war with something inside yourself. You keep getting yanked back over that line other people have drawn for you. Other people’s constant yanking on that gender rope is why you can’t hold your fucking ground. You are being forced to identify and live by a set of rules that do not apply to who you are inside, and in fact should not apply to anyone. By creating this special awareness, it imposes an identity on you that you did not create, that you did not consent to, and that you do not want, and you cannot just disown that or choose not to accept it. It’s not made up of your thoughts or actions, but those of other people, over which you have no control.
It may not be easier for men to step out of the box and decide they don’t need to act like “real men,” to decide that the performance of masculinity is a destructive thing that isn’t working. I think having to do that no matter what your gender is is a very difficult thing and can be especially painful and destructive for men, who are not taught from birth that they must be The Ones Who Change. It may not be easier for men to detach themselves from societal expectations, and there are significant social risks involved, and physical ones if you are not heterosexual, but I think for cisgendered hetero men, it just does not come with the physical aspect. The commentary on female bodies, the way women "owe" the world prettiness, the way we are expected to be pleasant, the way our bodies are preyed on physically and often violently by rapists and forced-birthers and abusers, by the media, by advertising, and by one another.
It’s disturbing to experience the vulnerability of your body as female regardless of what gender your inner self might be.
It is a vulnerable thing to be female, or to be a person that people perceive as female, not because you are inherently weak in body or mind, but because all the people around you have been socialized to think of you in certain ways … it doesn’t matter if XYZ does not apply to you. As long as enough people around you believe it, the world spins on as though it does. You go through life surrounded by people who believe wrong things about you.
People make stupid assumptions all the time, but these relatively benign assumptions aren’t the ones I’m talking about. I’m talking about the ones that are actually dangerous. The assumption that because you are dressed a certain way, you are inviting physical contact. The assumption that your body should be in some measure available for the appreciation of others on demand, whether that is to be touched or simply to be looked at - and to refuse those demands is not a neutral act; it invites abuse. Again, sometimes violently.
People believe you are a certain way and that you should behave a certain way, and sometimes they have so much invested in these fictions they formed based on someone’s perceived gender or race or orientation or appearance that they have very strong reactions to anyone violating those assumptions. Acting outside those roles has very direct and sometimes deadly consequences. (Witness trans folks getting beaten, raped, or killed for not conforming to gender roles - it triggers a horrifying visceral rage in some people, and violence is seen as a justifiable and appropriate way to “correct” something that is direly wrong. I cannot tell you how often I have seen the perpetrators of these crimes referring to their victims as “it.” Literally a thing, an un-person.)
And hey, this is fucked up, too: when you do not act like you “should,” you become perceived as a threat to your own people. For example, if you don’t adhere to the idea that women should be more chaste and virtuous than men, and that they should dress attractively, flatteringly, and modestly, you’re a skanky slut, and you make women look bad. And then, then, your existence is used to harm other people and shame other people, is used to justify hating other people, when all you were doing is just not buying into the lie, and not living - or trying not to - as though you did. You can easily become a negative stereotype by simply not adhering to the most positive one put forth by the group oppressing yours. And there is no fucking way out of that loop. There is none.
It is completely fucked.
X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count:
A quote:
Women are often acutely aware of being gendered as female as they make their way through everyday experiences in the world. Not paying attention to masculinity might mean walking to your car at night without thinking about personal safety or the possibility of sexual assault. Women often hold their keys at the ready, walk in pairs, or remain hypervigilant about their surroundings in ways that often simply don't occur to men. Because girls are raised knowing they will be judged on how they look, women are intensely aware of their image from head to toe. Men may not give a second thought to what they're wearing. Looking good can matter for everyone, but the social stakes for men are not as high if they look sloppy, unattractive, skinny, or fat. And what if a woman feels cranky one day? What if she's deep in thought, or she just doesn't feel like smiling? Women are used to being told my total strangers to smile (read: Be more friendly and less ornery). Men are rarely -- if ever -- told to smile. Men are not required to be socially accessible. Men don't generally get accused of PMS-ing (again, read: not being nice enough). Being acutely aware of one's gender in this way is something men rarely experience.
-Shira Tarrant, PhD, Men and Feminism
This is the truth, and something I wish more people would make an effort to understand. It is a weird feeling to experience this and to realize that it’s a fundamental property of being read as female in this culture.
It’s even weirder when you go through your daily life and you have these experiences of being intensely aware of being “female” because you are in a “female” body, and you have no fixed gender identity. It’s like playing a constant tug-o-war with something inside yourself. You keep getting yanked back over that line other people have drawn for you. Other people’s constant yanking on that gender rope is why you can’t hold your fucking ground. You are being forced to identify and live by a set of rules that do not apply to who you are inside, and in fact should not apply to anyone. By creating this special awareness, it imposes an identity on you that you did not create, that you did not consent to, and that you do not want, and you cannot just disown that or choose not to accept it. It’s not made up of your thoughts or actions, but those of other people, over which you have no control.
It may not be easier for men to step out of the box and decide they don’t need to act like “real men,” to decide that the performance of masculinity is a destructive thing that isn’t working. I think having to do that no matter what your gender is is a very difficult thing and can be especially painful and destructive for men, who are not taught from birth that they must be The Ones Who Change. It may not be easier for men to detach themselves from societal expectations, and there are significant social risks involved, and physical ones if you are not heterosexual, but I think for cisgendered hetero men, it just does not come with the physical aspect. The commentary on female bodies, the way women "owe" the world prettiness, the way we are expected to be pleasant, the way our bodies are preyed on physically and often violently by rapists and forced-birthers and abusers, by the media, by advertising, and by one another.
It’s disturbing to experience the vulnerability of your body as female regardless of what gender your inner self might be.
It is a vulnerable thing to be female, or to be a person that people perceive as female, not because you are inherently weak in body or mind, but because all the people around you have been socialized to think of you in certain ways … it doesn’t matter if XYZ does not apply to you. As long as enough people around you believe it, the world spins on as though it does. You go through life surrounded by people who believe wrong things about you.
People make stupid assumptions all the time, but these relatively benign assumptions aren’t the ones I’m talking about. I’m talking about the ones that are actually dangerous. The assumption that because you are dressed a certain way, you are inviting physical contact. The assumption that your body should be in some measure available for the appreciation of others on demand, whether that is to be touched or simply to be looked at - and to refuse those demands is not a neutral act; it invites abuse. Again, sometimes violently.
People believe you are a certain way and that you should behave a certain way, and sometimes they have so much invested in these fictions they formed based on someone’s perceived gender or race or orientation or appearance that they have very strong reactions to anyone violating those assumptions. Acting outside those roles has very direct and sometimes deadly consequences. (Witness trans folks getting beaten, raped, or killed for not conforming to gender roles - it triggers a horrifying visceral rage in some people, and violence is seen as a justifiable and appropriate way to “correct” something that is direly wrong. I cannot tell you how often I have seen the perpetrators of these crimes referring to their victims as “it.” Literally a thing, an un-person.)
And hey, this is fucked up, too: when you do not act like you “should,” you become perceived as a threat to your own people. For example, if you don’t adhere to the idea that women should be more chaste and virtuous than men, and that they should dress attractively, flatteringly, and modestly, you’re a skanky slut, and you make women look bad. And then, then, your existence is used to harm other people and shame other people, is used to justify hating other people, when all you were doing is just not buying into the lie, and not living - or trying not to - as though you did. You can easily become a negative stereotype by simply not adhering to the most positive one put forth by the group oppressing yours. And there is no fucking way out of that loop. There is none.
It is completely fucked.
X-posted from Dreamwidth. Comment count: