Wow - a lot that resonates for me here. Not everything - on the scale of dysfunctional families, mine was nowhere near as bad as it gets. But a lot of this was painfully familiar.
I am a parent now, and I try really, really, really hard not to do any of this. I'm not perfect - I know I screw up sometimes. All I can do is try - and be willing to own my mistakes when I do screw up. I know some people think parents should never apologize to kids, because it undermines their respect for you or something like that. But I think that, given that parents are human and virtually all of us occasionally make mistakes, lose patience, snap at our kids, blame them for things they didn't actually do, etc., it's far better to admit that to the child, apologize, and tell them you should not have done that, than to have them think that that sort of thing is the norm and just has to be accepted unquestioningly. I think it probably helps them learn how to handle their own anger, outbursts and mistakes better as well, not to mention teaching them compassion by helping them realize that everyone is human and has feelings, bad days, etc.
I am a parent now, and I try really, really, really hard not to do any of this. I'm not perfect - I know I screw up sometimes. All I can do is try - and be willing to own my mistakes when I do screw up. I know some people think parents should never apologize to kids, because it undermines their respect for you or something like that. But I think that, given that parents are human and virtually all of us occasionally make mistakes, lose patience, snap at our kids, blame them for things they didn't actually do, etc., it's far better to admit that to the child, apologize, and tell them you should not have done that, than to have them think that that sort of thing is the norm and just has to be accepted unquestioningly. I think it probably helps them learn how to handle their own anger, outbursts and mistakes better as well, not to mention teaching them compassion by helping them realize that everyone is human and has feelings, bad days, etc.
Reply
Leave a comment