Kinky, Dominant and . . . Shy?
I posted this over at FetLife, which explains why I am saying a bunch of shit that youall already know, but I am posting it here, too, because I think it's worth keeping around.
***
I'm introverted.
That's a polite way of saying that me and groups of people? We don't mix.
I'm a baby dom, well-aware of my tendencies and experienced in fantasy, but, in reality, with precisely *one* me-dominant encounter. I'm much more experienced at bottoming because, frankly, it's easier for me to find a man to beat my ass than it is for me to find a boy to spank, and I take opportunities to experience new things when they arise. I firmly believe that I should have experienced everything I am going to ask a partner to do -- at least, as nearly as I can come to it, given differing anatomy.
How does all this relate back to being an introvert?
It's what's kept me from seeking out the local club scene for over a decade, and it's what keeps me home most nights, writing and watching movies and playing homebrew tabletop RPG games with my husband.
And it's why I have a hard time meeting people to play with.
I'm shy. Around most people, I'm fine. A lot of folks have remarked that I don't seem introverted at all, because when I go out, I make an effort to be sociable, and I'm an interesting, fun, easygoing person to talk to. Most people in particular don't intimidate me, but dealing with groups of people tends to drain my ability to CWS (Cope With Shit). The more energized the group, the faster I run dry.
I don't get scared of big guys with scary floggers. I understand those guys, and I know how to negotiate with them for what I want. I like to receive pain from time to time, I find it clarifying, sometimes even relaxing, but it isn't a sexual thing for me, so I don't have that tension ratcheting up, making me feel like I'm about to pass out or throw up or run away. Same with giving pain to other women. It's enjoyable, but for me it's not sexual.
Point me at a pretty boy who is willing to let me Do Things to him, and suddenly I'm all stutters and butterflies. I have no idea how to talk to someone I am actually *interested* in. It's absurd. Because that *is* a sexual thing to me. Very much so. And with actual *interest* comes fear of rejection, and with fear of rejection comes an inability to ask for anything at all.
It's stupid and annoying and I hate it.
Now, a lot of this has a basis in my brain chemistry. I am bipolar. I have issues with dopamine levels and probably serotonin levels as well. This means that excitement often doesn't feel pleasurable to me, it just makes me feel sick. I am also convinced it plays a role in why I find pain so enjoyable; it triggers the hormone rush that pleasure *doesn't.* Why I am apparently wired to be dominant is a mystery to me, because this would be a much greater asset to someone submissive. (No, darlings, enjoying pain does not make one submissive. That's a whole different game.)
All of this is to say that I often seem flighty, or seem to have wildly varying needs for personal space, or why I occasionally freeze up and don't know what to say or do. I am so used to having to push through the shyness that I reflexively agree to things I probably shouldn't, and I have done things I regret more than once because of this. I take more care now, I take things as fast or as slow as I feel comfortable. Sometimes this means backing off and re-setting boundaries. Sometimes it means I'm not okay with something I was okay with ten minutes before. Usually it means I am very wary and slow to trust.
It sometimes makes me feel ridiculous. I'm supposed to be this sexy, pain-dispensing, fearless beast. And I am. On the inside. It just takes some time to get that beast to show itself.
It's a continuing effort, balancing my genuine need for more of this kind of contact with my deep yearning to stay at home -- and not bring anyone back here, because this is my safe place/hidey-hole/wolf den, and (call me crazy) I'm kind of wary of who gets to know how to find where I sleep. I do best on the internet, where I feel safest. I don't do phones at all, period, which doesn't help at all.
I keep hoping I'll run across someone pretty, young, patient, polite, well-spoken, and experienced, who is willing to tell me he's interested and then let me take my time sneaking up on him. Which is a little like asking to win the lottery, or for the moon on a silver platter, I know. But I can dream.
***
I'm introverted.
That's a polite way of saying that me and groups of people? We don't mix.
I'm a baby dom, well-aware of my tendencies and experienced in fantasy, but, in reality, with precisely *one* me-dominant encounter. I'm much more experienced at bottoming because, frankly, it's easier for me to find a man to beat my ass than it is for me to find a boy to spank, and I take opportunities to experience new things when they arise. I firmly believe that I should have experienced everything I am going to ask a partner to do -- at least, as nearly as I can come to it, given differing anatomy.
How does all this relate back to being an introvert?
It's what's kept me from seeking out the local club scene for over a decade, and it's what keeps me home most nights, writing and watching movies and playing homebrew tabletop RPG games with my husband.
And it's why I have a hard time meeting people to play with.
I'm shy. Around most people, I'm fine. A lot of folks have remarked that I don't seem introverted at all, because when I go out, I make an effort to be sociable, and I'm an interesting, fun, easygoing person to talk to. Most people in particular don't intimidate me, but dealing with groups of people tends to drain my ability to CWS (Cope With Shit). The more energized the group, the faster I run dry.
I don't get scared of big guys with scary floggers. I understand those guys, and I know how to negotiate with them for what I want. I like to receive pain from time to time, I find it clarifying, sometimes even relaxing, but it isn't a sexual thing for me, so I don't have that tension ratcheting up, making me feel like I'm about to pass out or throw up or run away. Same with giving pain to other women. It's enjoyable, but for me it's not sexual.
Point me at a pretty boy who is willing to let me Do Things to him, and suddenly I'm all stutters and butterflies. I have no idea how to talk to someone I am actually *interested* in. It's absurd. Because that *is* a sexual thing to me. Very much so. And with actual *interest* comes fear of rejection, and with fear of rejection comes an inability to ask for anything at all.
It's stupid and annoying and I hate it.
Now, a lot of this has a basis in my brain chemistry. I am bipolar. I have issues with dopamine levels and probably serotonin levels as well. This means that excitement often doesn't feel pleasurable to me, it just makes me feel sick. I am also convinced it plays a role in why I find pain so enjoyable; it triggers the hormone rush that pleasure *doesn't.* Why I am apparently wired to be dominant is a mystery to me, because this would be a much greater asset to someone submissive. (No, darlings, enjoying pain does not make one submissive. That's a whole different game.)
All of this is to say that I often seem flighty, or seem to have wildly varying needs for personal space, or why I occasionally freeze up and don't know what to say or do. I am so used to having to push through the shyness that I reflexively agree to things I probably shouldn't, and I have done things I regret more than once because of this. I take more care now, I take things as fast or as slow as I feel comfortable. Sometimes this means backing off and re-setting boundaries. Sometimes it means I'm not okay with something I was okay with ten minutes before. Usually it means I am very wary and slow to trust.
It sometimes makes me feel ridiculous. I'm supposed to be this sexy, pain-dispensing, fearless beast. And I am. On the inside. It just takes some time to get that beast to show itself.
It's a continuing effort, balancing my genuine need for more of this kind of contact with my deep yearning to stay at home -- and not bring anyone back here, because this is my safe place/hidey-hole/wolf den, and (call me crazy) I'm kind of wary of who gets to know how to find where I sleep. I do best on the internet, where I feel safest. I don't do phones at all, period, which doesn't help at all.
I keep hoping I'll run across someone pretty, young, patient, polite, well-spoken, and experienced, who is willing to tell me he's interested and then let me take my time sneaking up on him. Which is a little like asking to win the lottery, or for the moon on a silver platter, I know. But I can dream.