The doctor's. Also, a list.
Went to see Dr. C today, and I just . . . I don't know. He's not a perfect, all-knowing guy. Not even close. But let me tell you something, internets, after ten minutes of listening to me explain what was going on with me in exacting detail, he paused thoughtfully, and then said something I don't think I have ever heard any other doctor, and damn few other human beings, say to me:
"The first thing you need to understand about this is that it's not your fault. There is nothing you could do alone to stop this or change it. You are not this way because there is something wrong with who you are or because you are a bad person. So that little voice inside you that tells you that you aren't good enough and that this is your fault? Don't listen to that voice. . . . Mine sounds like my mother."
I didn't cry. I kind of wanted to, but I didn't cry. I just sat there kind of stunned.
I mean, I know that stuff. I have Sargon to tell me, bat_cheva to tell me, my cat to tell me, and you all to tell me. I have a therapist, too. I believe that I'm not to blame for this shit. Okay, I 70% believe it. But there is something incredibly reassuring about hearing that from the person who is in charge of your health care.
I wish everyone was that lucky. He may not know everything, but by Isis I know that he doesn't think less of me for what I am. We can figure shit out together, get shit wrong together, deal with shit together. You just can't teach someone that kind of respect.
So anyway, we talked for a while, and he agrees with me. Dopamine deficiency. I am upping my dose of my darling little dopamine reuptake inhibitor tomorrow morning, and I am going to hope like hell that works. Time will tell. I told him I would rather try tinkering with the drugs I am already taking than taking something else, especially as the list of things that he can try that aren't SSRIs, tricyclics, or dopamine antagonists is pretty fucking small. I told him that I am confident that if the higher dose of Wellbutrin turns out to be too activating and I show signs of entering a mixed state or a manic state, I will immediately lower my dose. He trusts my judgment on this one.
I have some hope. When I was first put on this stuff it worked beautifully until I scaled it back because of the insomnia and restlessness. So going back to the initial dose might raise me out of this mess enough to get my feet under me.
I spent a while rereading old entries to try to put a time frame on certain symptoms. I let this one go too long, I did. It snuck up on me, and because I'm not having suicidal thoughts, I was dismissing it. I'm still getting the range on this whole lycanthropy thing. It's not easy. It's possible that the dopamine thing and the bipolar thing are related but not immediately connected, that one can rise while the other falls, and that I am in a good place lycanthropically but currently at a low ebb of dopamine production, which would explain my generally good mood and high spirits, but also the other symptoms I have described.
Out of curiosity, I looked up dopamine deficiency again, and here is a list of symptoms. I have bolded only the ones that do not apply to me.
Reduced ability to feel pleasure
Flat, bored, apathetic and low enthusiasm
Depressed
Low drive and motivation
Difficulty getting through a task even when interesting
Procrastinator/little urgency
Difficulty concentrating
Slowed thinking (This is horrible.)
Forgetfulness (This is horrible too.)
Crave uppers (e.g. caffeine) and use these to improve energy/motivation/mood (Yes, actually, quite unusually for me.)
Prone to addictions (e.g. alcohol)/addictive personality (No, but when you are dealing with this shit, you will naturally seek out anything that pushes the reward button in your brain. I think this is different from being addiction-prone. Inside me, it feels like a smart reflex gone wrong, like when you get the urge to eat inappropriate things because you are craving a certain mineral.)
Shy/introvert (I am always introverted, but I've been hermiting hardcore.)
Low libido
Easily fatigued, mentally and physically
Put on weight easily (Meh, always have.)
Family history of alcoholism/ADD/ADHD
Anemia
Blood sugar instability
Bone density loss
High blood pressure
Joint pain
Thyroid disorders (What, seriously?)
Aggression, anger (Yes, yes, yes.)
Inability to handle stress (Whoa yes, this in spades.)
Guilt or feelings of worthlessness (Yup. Not new, though.)
Excessive sleep/difficulty waking (I'm tired a lot.)
Mood swings
Restlessness
Does that not sound exactly like what I was talking about here?
The longer I live with myself and watch my responses to various drugs, the firmer this conclusion becomes, that it's a lack of dopamine that is the culprit behind much of my suffering.
You know what I really hope? You know what would be fantastic? If this not only worked, but restored the vivid dreams I'm accustomed to. That would be fucking kickass. So I will go on that note and try to get something done. I don't know what. Just . . . something.
Hopefully if this helps, I will feel up to dealing with another Etsy update before Christmastime.
"The first thing you need to understand about this is that it's not your fault. There is nothing you could do alone to stop this or change it. You are not this way because there is something wrong with who you are or because you are a bad person. So that little voice inside you that tells you that you aren't good enough and that this is your fault? Don't listen to that voice. . . . Mine sounds like my mother."
I didn't cry. I kind of wanted to, but I didn't cry. I just sat there kind of stunned.
I mean, I know that stuff. I have Sargon to tell me, bat_cheva to tell me, my cat to tell me, and you all to tell me. I have a therapist, too. I believe that I'm not to blame for this shit. Okay, I 70% believe it. But there is something incredibly reassuring about hearing that from the person who is in charge of your health care.
I wish everyone was that lucky. He may not know everything, but by Isis I know that he doesn't think less of me for what I am. We can figure shit out together, get shit wrong together, deal with shit together. You just can't teach someone that kind of respect.
So anyway, we talked for a while, and he agrees with me. Dopamine deficiency. I am upping my dose of my darling little dopamine reuptake inhibitor tomorrow morning, and I am going to hope like hell that works. Time will tell. I told him I would rather try tinkering with the drugs I am already taking than taking something else, especially as the list of things that he can try that aren't SSRIs, tricyclics, or dopamine antagonists is pretty fucking small. I told him that I am confident that if the higher dose of Wellbutrin turns out to be too activating and I show signs of entering a mixed state or a manic state, I will immediately lower my dose. He trusts my judgment on this one.
I have some hope. When I was first put on this stuff it worked beautifully until I scaled it back because of the insomnia and restlessness. So going back to the initial dose might raise me out of this mess enough to get my feet under me.
I spent a while rereading old entries to try to put a time frame on certain symptoms. I let this one go too long, I did. It snuck up on me, and because I'm not having suicidal thoughts, I was dismissing it. I'm still getting the range on this whole lycanthropy thing. It's not easy. It's possible that the dopamine thing and the bipolar thing are related but not immediately connected, that one can rise while the other falls, and that I am in a good place lycanthropically but currently at a low ebb of dopamine production, which would explain my generally good mood and high spirits, but also the other symptoms I have described.
Out of curiosity, I looked up dopamine deficiency again, and here is a list of symptoms. I have bolded only the ones that do not apply to me.
Reduced ability to feel pleasure
Flat, bored, apathetic and low enthusiasm
Depressed
Low drive and motivation
Difficulty getting through a task even when interesting
Procrastinator/little urgency
Difficulty concentrating
Slowed thinking (This is horrible.)
Forgetfulness (This is horrible too.)
Crave uppers (e.g. caffeine) and use these to improve energy/motivation/mood (Yes, actually, quite unusually for me.)
Prone to addictions (e.g. alcohol)/addictive personality (No, but when you are dealing with this shit, you will naturally seek out anything that pushes the reward button in your brain. I think this is different from being addiction-prone. Inside me, it feels like a smart reflex gone wrong, like when you get the urge to eat inappropriate things because you are craving a certain mineral.)
Shy/introvert (I am always introverted, but I've been hermiting hardcore.)
Low libido
Easily fatigued, mentally and physically
Put on weight easily (Meh, always have.)
Family history of alcoholism/ADD/ADHD
Anemia
Blood sugar instability
Bone density loss
High blood pressure
Joint pain
Thyroid disorders (What, seriously?)
Aggression, anger (Yes, yes, yes.)
Inability to handle stress (Whoa yes, this in spades.)
Guilt or feelings of worthlessness (Yup. Not new, though.)
Excessive sleep/difficulty waking (I'm tired a lot.)
Mood swings
Restlessness
Does that not sound exactly like what I was talking about here?
The longer I live with myself and watch my responses to various drugs, the firmer this conclusion becomes, that it's a lack of dopamine that is the culprit behind much of my suffering.
You know what I really hope? You know what would be fantastic? If this not only worked, but restored the vivid dreams I'm accustomed to. That would be fucking kickass. So I will go on that note and try to get something done. I don't know what. Just . . . something.
Hopefully if this helps, I will feel up to dealing with another Etsy update before Christmastime.