Troy.
Oh, boy.
I was supposed to go see Troy tonight with my husband and spacezombie, but my living dead friend was more dead than living, and so couldn't make it. And let me tell you, he missed out on SOO much.
I don't have to summarize the plot. Everyone knows it already from reading the Iliad, by Cliff's Notes, or from reading other reviews. I will warn you, in case you forgot: it's a tragedy. Senseless death and all, but not anyone we really care about (because there aren't any characters we really care about). Comedy done badly is tragic, and tragedy done badly is comical. Troy was a lot of fun in an unintentional lauging-at-not-with kind of way, that will lead to many, many viewings on DVD. Not to mention the high, high quota of hunky, blood-smeared guys in leather armor. This was eye-candy that comically overstepped its reach. That's about all you need to know, going in. But I would still like to skim some highlights.
Actors:
* Eric Bana transcended his role as a chinless, sweaty, rabbit-toothed man-child in The Hulk to become perhaps the only sympathetic character in the movie: a stubbled, messy Hector with ears like satellite dishes. I hated him in The Hulk so much that I cannot forgive him for it, but I at least no longer wish to kill him.
* Sean Bean vanished into the role of Odysseus. I do mean vanished. Much as it pains me, I think he was the only person who tried to act and succeeded. Which meant he faded regrettably into the background due to the extremely noisy and overstated performances around him.
* Brian Cox is a great character actor. However, as my husband said, he plays only the one character. It was worth the price of admission alone just to see him ranting megalomaniacally as Agamemnon, with an accent that varies from generic British-wannabe to X2 style faux southern. "Buhn, Troay! Buuuuhn!" He does not so much chew scenery as mulch it under like a demon-possessed rider-mower. At least he was not playing Priam. ("It's a horse." "What kind of horse?" "We don't know, but it comes up through the basketball court.")
* Brad Pitt has finally mastered the art of the Creepy Feline Stare. Also, he walks like a goddamn leopard. With moves like that, it should be him in the Catwoman costume this summer, not Halle Berry. I am not saying he is a great actor. He coasted on physical presence alone, and yes, he still annoys me. But he also looks good enough to eat. Quick! Get me some honey for the small of his back!
* The movie was two and a half hours long. I still cannot tell you if Orlando can act. But he has this little dip in his upper lip . . . he can also pucker up with his whole head. Can I please spank him? The urge to beat his ass with a leather strap is bringing tears to my eyes even as I speak. And that neck . . . vampire bait, anyone? (Aside: lord knows what Greek vampires would do to you. . . .)
* Helen of Troy has eyes so expressive you would swear that they belong on an anime character or a slapped Siamese cat. Pictures don't do her justice. I always thought she looked kind of manly in the stills, but as it turns out, she's even girlier looking than Orlando. If you squint, she looks enough like Legolas that it's sort of like watching Orlando kiss himself. And . . . hey! The fact that I think that's kind of hot has just punched my ride ticket to Hell!
* Movie, Briseis was too good for you. Interpret that however you wish. It is not necessarily a compliment, no matter how you look at it.
Things That Make You Go Hmm . . . (And Then You Snicker)
* Bellydancers in the most unlikely corsets-slash-cabaret-bras, prancing around as living scenery and being generally 'available' to the celebrating men. Nitpick: can we please treat performers with some fucking respect? Dancers are not strippers or whores. They work hard for their money, so hard honey honey, so you'd better treat them right.
* A mostly-naked and well-oiled Orlando Bloom. Yes, windblowntigres, you were right. For some reason, it was, indeed, alarming. (Probably because it was unannounced - they just sort of threw it up there with no warning.) Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I find, in my old age, I have developed a tooth for willowy younger lads. Easier to haul around by the leash, you see. Though they do tend to be able to slip through the bars on some older model cages.
* CG clouds of gore during the first big battle scene. Because humans explode when you hit them with arrows. I'm serious. Don’t you know anything?
* Giant, burning tumbleweeds. Ahem. Giant, burning, explosive tumbleweeds. Or maybe those were runners-up for world's biggest balls of string. I can't tell.
* A movie about the Greeks that manages to completely skirt the whole assfucking issue while still implying a whole helluvalot. I mean, really. Patroclus and Achilles? They were so cute together.
* While we're on the subject, would it have killed anyone to throw in a couple of full-on ass shots of Brad or Orly? And don't argue that it would be gratuitous to do so. The whole damn movie was gratuitous.
* Could they have been trying harder to rip off the creepy wailing on the Gladiator soundtrack? Shut up, bitch! Talented you may be, but you are NOT Lisa Gerrard. And what was with the crappy love song at the end? Sounded like the soulless aural abortion they tacked onto the end of Mask of Zorro, only without the catchy parts. This alone earns the movie a place in the Hall of Shame.
High Points:
* Orlando Bloom kissing another girl. Lesbian kissing is so hot. (Cheap shot, I know. But that's honestly the button it pushed in my brain.)
* Brad Pitt pacing about the coastline in a snazzy little midriff-baring two-piece, looking like Britney Spears' slutty, cross-dressing brother. Achilles Spears has a ring to it, actually.
* Orlando Bloom clinging pathetically to Eric Bana's thigh and looking like the whipped little man-bitch that he was. I like to think this is how he would look after I was through with him.
* Patroclus' amazing transformation into a living Pez dispenser. Ick. You could see his poor freckles in a few of those shots, rousing perhaps the only genuine twinge of pity I felt during the whole movie.
* The Trojan Horse = creepiest looking pinata ever. Seriously. I am going to have nightmares.
* Whoever played Eudorus (Achilles' henchman) had the creepiest blue eyes. Too cool.
* Ajax. It's nice to see Thor getting work. Did he get that hammer from an anime villain? Or is he a vampire hunter? And who had to groom the hair on his man-boobs?
* The temple-sacking scene. Never in my life have I so badly wanted to lick fake blood off an overrated actor's biceps before. Argue that Brad Pitt was miscast. I won't fight. Argue that he can't act. I won't press the issue. But, damn, he looked good.
* The dialog. Anytime anyone says anything, it is funny.
In summary: I now have a headache from squinting at the screen, and an intense urge to write porn about sweaty, leather-clad men. Not a totally wasted night.
Rant on the SHAMBLING THINGS IN THE THEATER WITH ME will follow tomorrow. Right now, I'm exhausted.
link
I was supposed to go see Troy tonight with my husband and spacezombie, but my living dead friend was more dead than living, and so couldn't make it. And let me tell you, he missed out on SOO much.
I don't have to summarize the plot. Everyone knows it already from reading the Iliad, by Cliff's Notes, or from reading other reviews. I will warn you, in case you forgot: it's a tragedy. Senseless death and all, but not anyone we really care about (because there aren't any characters we really care about). Comedy done badly is tragic, and tragedy done badly is comical. Troy was a lot of fun in an unintentional lauging-at-not-with kind of way, that will lead to many, many viewings on DVD. Not to mention the high, high quota of hunky, blood-smeared guys in leather armor. This was eye-candy that comically overstepped its reach. That's about all you need to know, going in. But I would still like to skim some highlights.
Actors:
* Eric Bana transcended his role as a chinless, sweaty, rabbit-toothed man-child in The Hulk to become perhaps the only sympathetic character in the movie: a stubbled, messy Hector with ears like satellite dishes. I hated him in The Hulk so much that I cannot forgive him for it, but I at least no longer wish to kill him.
* Sean Bean vanished into the role of Odysseus. I do mean vanished. Much as it pains me, I think he was the only person who tried to act and succeeded. Which meant he faded regrettably into the background due to the extremely noisy and overstated performances around him.
* Brian Cox is a great character actor. However, as my husband said, he plays only the one character. It was worth the price of admission alone just to see him ranting megalomaniacally as Agamemnon, with an accent that varies from generic British-wannabe to X2 style faux southern. "Buhn, Troay! Buuuuhn!" He does not so much chew scenery as mulch it under like a demon-possessed rider-mower. At least he was not playing Priam. ("It's a horse." "What kind of horse?" "We don't know, but it comes up through the basketball court.")
* Brad Pitt has finally mastered the art of the Creepy Feline Stare. Also, he walks like a goddamn leopard. With moves like that, it should be him in the Catwoman costume this summer, not Halle Berry. I am not saying he is a great actor. He coasted on physical presence alone, and yes, he still annoys me. But he also looks good enough to eat. Quick! Get me some honey for the small of his back!
* The movie was two and a half hours long. I still cannot tell you if Orlando can act. But he has this little dip in his upper lip . . . he can also pucker up with his whole head. Can I please spank him? The urge to beat his ass with a leather strap is bringing tears to my eyes even as I speak. And that neck . . . vampire bait, anyone? (Aside: lord knows what Greek vampires would do to you. . . .)
* Helen of Troy has eyes so expressive you would swear that they belong on an anime character or a slapped Siamese cat. Pictures don't do her justice. I always thought she looked kind of manly in the stills, but as it turns out, she's even girlier looking than Orlando. If you squint, she looks enough like Legolas that it's sort of like watching Orlando kiss himself. And . . . hey! The fact that I think that's kind of hot has just punched my ride ticket to Hell!
* Movie, Briseis was too good for you. Interpret that however you wish. It is not necessarily a compliment, no matter how you look at it.
Things That Make You Go Hmm . . . (And Then You Snicker)
* Bellydancers in the most unlikely corsets-slash-cabaret-bras, prancing around as living scenery and being generally 'available' to the celebrating men. Nitpick: can we please treat performers with some fucking respect? Dancers are not strippers or whores. They work hard for their money, so hard honey honey, so you'd better treat them right.
* A mostly-naked and well-oiled Orlando Bloom. Yes, windblowntigres, you were right. For some reason, it was, indeed, alarming. (Probably because it was unannounced - they just sort of threw it up there with no warning.) Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I find, in my old age, I have developed a tooth for willowy younger lads. Easier to haul around by the leash, you see. Though they do tend to be able to slip through the bars on some older model cages.
* CG clouds of gore during the first big battle scene. Because humans explode when you hit them with arrows. I'm serious. Don’t you know anything?
* Giant, burning tumbleweeds. Ahem. Giant, burning, explosive tumbleweeds. Or maybe those were runners-up for world's biggest balls of string. I can't tell.
* A movie about the Greeks that manages to completely skirt the whole assfucking issue while still implying a whole helluvalot. I mean, really. Patroclus and Achilles? They were so cute together.
* While we're on the subject, would it have killed anyone to throw in a couple of full-on ass shots of Brad or Orly? And don't argue that it would be gratuitous to do so. The whole damn movie was gratuitous.
* Could they have been trying harder to rip off the creepy wailing on the Gladiator soundtrack? Shut up, bitch! Talented you may be, but you are NOT Lisa Gerrard. And what was with the crappy love song at the end? Sounded like the soulless aural abortion they tacked onto the end of Mask of Zorro, only without the catchy parts. This alone earns the movie a place in the Hall of Shame.
High Points:
* Orlando Bloom kissing another girl. Lesbian kissing is so hot. (Cheap shot, I know. But that's honestly the button it pushed in my brain.)
* Brad Pitt pacing about the coastline in a snazzy little midriff-baring two-piece, looking like Britney Spears' slutty, cross-dressing brother. Achilles Spears has a ring to it, actually.
* Orlando Bloom clinging pathetically to Eric Bana's thigh and looking like the whipped little man-bitch that he was. I like to think this is how he would look after I was through with him.
* Patroclus' amazing transformation into a living Pez dispenser. Ick. You could see his poor freckles in a few of those shots, rousing perhaps the only genuine twinge of pity I felt during the whole movie.
* The Trojan Horse = creepiest looking pinata ever. Seriously. I am going to have nightmares.
* Whoever played Eudorus (Achilles' henchman) had the creepiest blue eyes. Too cool.
* Ajax. It's nice to see Thor getting work. Did he get that hammer from an anime villain? Or is he a vampire hunter? And who had to groom the hair on his man-boobs?
* The temple-sacking scene. Never in my life have I so badly wanted to lick fake blood off an overrated actor's biceps before. Argue that Brad Pitt was miscast. I won't fight. Argue that he can't act. I won't press the issue. But, damn, he looked good.
* The dialog. Anytime anyone says anything, it is funny.
In summary: I now have a headache from squinting at the screen, and an intense urge to write porn about sweaty, leather-clad men. Not a totally wasted night.
Rant on the SHAMBLING THINGS IN THE THEATER WITH ME will follow tomorrow. Right now, I'm exhausted.
link