Equilibrium. Sorta.
As previously reported, I've been taking kava kava to control my panic attacks and overall misery level, and it's been working really well. So well, in fact, that I stopped taking it a few weeks back. I'd only taken small doses twice in the past three weeks.
Of course, Thursday was a bleeding asscrack nightmare, complete with chainsaws, barking dogs, psycho neighbors, and other assorted annoying shit, so I took a full shot of it yesterday to deal with the refractory panic attack. It would have been stupid to tough it out and suffer for the next couple of days just so I could have bragging rights.
This spectacularly annoying week aside, I feel better, like my equilibrium has been restored. I'm dealing. Dealing with being on the phone, going out occasionally, all that crap. Simple things that had become almost impossible what with the code-red panic shit flaring up all the damn time, making me a wreck.
Even when I wasn't having an episode of tweek, I was either coming down from one, feeling one coming on, trying to prevent one, or just plain worrying when the next one would start. It's a vicious cycle, and I had to resort to herbal remedies to break it. Boy am I glad it worked.
And it's good to know that if I start to have another one, like yesterday, all it takes is ten drops, and I'm better. Cool again. Kava doesn't leave me feeling out of myself or peculiar, like tranquilizers. Even a quarter of a lorazepam really makes me feel . . . off. Kava never did. I felt like myself, only able to cope.
I'm still taking my 5-HTP, but that's mostly for sleeping. I haven't had insomnia since I started taking it. It's amazing stuff, too.
Yes, this past week has sucked. I still did okay -- except for the part where I totally flipped the fuck out on Thursday, but I insist that keeping my cool and not doing it in front of anyone was a major victory.
I still feel stupid, occasionally, for not being able to deal where it seems like other people wouldn't have a problem. I still feel annoyed with myself for being so sensitive to hostility and so afraid of confrontation. But overall, I'm proud of myself for dealing with my neuroses without resorting to doctors or prescription medication or unhealthy habits. I'm proud of myself for finding something I thought would work, taking it for as long as I needed it, and not taking it when I don't. I'm proud of myself for being patient enough with my own ways to finally allow myself to heal a little.
I'm going to be all right. The past couple of years have sucked, but I'm coming out tougher, and I still have my feet under me, and I never lost my way completely after all, not even when I thought I had.
I guess the point of all this is that I'm grateful for the support and kind words, and hopefully I'll be around more often now that things are generally cool. I feel like I've not been posting much personal stuff -- or much of anything at all -- for the past Really Long Time, and while I'm maybe not comfortable sharing as much as I used to, I would like to get back to being a little more present and a little more forthcoming.
So, see you around, I guess. Have a good weekend, folks.
Of course, Thursday was a bleeding asscrack nightmare, complete with chainsaws, barking dogs, psycho neighbors, and other assorted annoying shit, so I took a full shot of it yesterday to deal with the refractory panic attack. It would have been stupid to tough it out and suffer for the next couple of days just so I could have bragging rights.
This spectacularly annoying week aside, I feel better, like my equilibrium has been restored. I'm dealing. Dealing with being on the phone, going out occasionally, all that crap. Simple things that had become almost impossible what with the code-red panic shit flaring up all the damn time, making me a wreck.
Even when I wasn't having an episode of tweek, I was either coming down from one, feeling one coming on, trying to prevent one, or just plain worrying when the next one would start. It's a vicious cycle, and I had to resort to herbal remedies to break it. Boy am I glad it worked.
And it's good to know that if I start to have another one, like yesterday, all it takes is ten drops, and I'm better. Cool again. Kava doesn't leave me feeling out of myself or peculiar, like tranquilizers. Even a quarter of a lorazepam really makes me feel . . . off. Kava never did. I felt like myself, only able to cope.
I'm still taking my 5-HTP, but that's mostly for sleeping. I haven't had insomnia since I started taking it. It's amazing stuff, too.
Yes, this past week has sucked. I still did okay -- except for the part where I totally flipped the fuck out on Thursday, but I insist that keeping my cool and not doing it in front of anyone was a major victory.
I still feel stupid, occasionally, for not being able to deal where it seems like other people wouldn't have a problem. I still feel annoyed with myself for being so sensitive to hostility and so afraid of confrontation. But overall, I'm proud of myself for dealing with my neuroses without resorting to doctors or prescription medication or unhealthy habits. I'm proud of myself for finding something I thought would work, taking it for as long as I needed it, and not taking it when I don't. I'm proud of myself for being patient enough with my own ways to finally allow myself to heal a little.
I'm going to be all right. The past couple of years have sucked, but I'm coming out tougher, and I still have my feet under me, and I never lost my way completely after all, not even when I thought I had.
I guess the point of all this is that I'm grateful for the support and kind words, and hopefully I'll be around more often now that things are generally cool. I feel like I've not been posting much personal stuff -- or much of anything at all -- for the past Really Long Time, and while I'm maybe not comfortable sharing as much as I used to, I would like to get back to being a little more present and a little more forthcoming.
So, see you around, I guess. Have a good weekend, folks.