Short Versions
I am freezing. FREEZING. I have turned the heat up twice in an hour, and I'm still frozen.
I realize I've been all about the brooding lately, and for that I apologize. I'm not so much sorry that I'm brooding as I am sorry that I haven't been more about the funny. I say this because I genuinely enjoy interacting with you guys, and making you laugh is one of my favorite things, so when I'm not funny for a while I think I miss it more than you do.
There are a lot of things I want to talk about, a lot of things I want to say, but somehow the words just aren't there.
I want to talk about how great it is to have friends with whom I feel totally safe.
I want to talk about how happy I am right now, this very minute, with Sargon. Just for being himself, for being with me. He didn't have to sign up for any of this crap.
I want to talk about how I sent that fan letter to Ioan Gruffudd a couple of weeks back, and how that makes me feel really dumb and really happy at the same time.
I want to talk about how scared I am sometimes that when I die there'll just be . . . nothing, and how I'm not really sure I believe in the divine anymore, and how utterly sad that makes me, because I don't know what goes in that empty place. I hate science as a worldview. It's stupid, because it doesn't really mean anything. It's like math. It's something you do, but not how you live your life. What good is algebra when you need relationship advice? What good is genetics or chemistry when you're afraid to die?
I want to talk about how nice springtime is, because just today I saw pigeons getting lucky, a HUGE black cat pissing unabashedly on some kid's bike, robins and cardinals sporting in the trees, the first Bartlett pears blooming, and lots of new growth on my rosebushes. And all those things made me smile big, dumb smiles.
I want to talk about how pissed off I am that my abortion and contraception rights are being threatened, and how I sure as shit don't appreciate having to haul ass to get one of us sterilized before the United States becomes a third-world country where women are considered property, like animals. This shit could kill me, people. It's not fucking funny.
I want to talk about how I miss my mom in really weird ways, like when I put on my socks. And how I need to go see my dad. And my granddad. And my sister. Because I miss them, too. But sometimes it's hard to be around family, because I don't usually know what to say.
I want to talk about how I'm having a creative block right now, and working on anything is like pulling teeth right out of my skull. Still, I've got a new project (the Thing I've been talking about) completed, and more information will be coming on that next week. It's not huge, but it's groovy.
I want to talk about perfume, and how gleefully happy it makes me on so many levels, and how I owe topknot some truly perverted porn for sending me . . . I think 14 imps, including a decant of Spanked, which I'm going to try over the weekend.
In short, I want to share my random little life with you people because I want to feel less alone; I want to feel held and safe and lifted up by knowing that random strangers somewhere out in the dark feel the same cold drafts in their psychological drawers that I feel, sometimes chew their ice like I do, yell at their cats like I do, feel scared like I do, watch the same cartoons and TV shows I watch, laugh at the same bad jokes.
I'll update with something more concrete tomorrow. I just wanted to speak into the void, because it's quiet around here in the deep, dark, soft part of night, and I miss hearing your voices.
I realize I've been all about the brooding lately, and for that I apologize. I'm not so much sorry that I'm brooding as I am sorry that I haven't been more about the funny. I say this because I genuinely enjoy interacting with you guys, and making you laugh is one of my favorite things, so when I'm not funny for a while I think I miss it more than you do.
There are a lot of things I want to talk about, a lot of things I want to say, but somehow the words just aren't there.
I want to talk about how great it is to have friends with whom I feel totally safe.
I want to talk about how happy I am right now, this very minute, with Sargon. Just for being himself, for being with me. He didn't have to sign up for any of this crap.
I want to talk about how I sent that fan letter to Ioan Gruffudd a couple of weeks back, and how that makes me feel really dumb and really happy at the same time.
I want to talk about how scared I am sometimes that when I die there'll just be . . . nothing, and how I'm not really sure I believe in the divine anymore, and how utterly sad that makes me, because I don't know what goes in that empty place. I hate science as a worldview. It's stupid, because it doesn't really mean anything. It's like math. It's something you do, but not how you live your life. What good is algebra when you need relationship advice? What good is genetics or chemistry when you're afraid to die?
I want to talk about how nice springtime is, because just today I saw pigeons getting lucky, a HUGE black cat pissing unabashedly on some kid's bike, robins and cardinals sporting in the trees, the first Bartlett pears blooming, and lots of new growth on my rosebushes. And all those things made me smile big, dumb smiles.
I want to talk about how pissed off I am that my abortion and contraception rights are being threatened, and how I sure as shit don't appreciate having to haul ass to get one of us sterilized before the United States becomes a third-world country where women are considered property, like animals. This shit could kill me, people. It's not fucking funny.
I want to talk about how I miss my mom in really weird ways, like when I put on my socks. And how I need to go see my dad. And my granddad. And my sister. Because I miss them, too. But sometimes it's hard to be around family, because I don't usually know what to say.
I want to talk about how I'm having a creative block right now, and working on anything is like pulling teeth right out of my skull. Still, I've got a new project (the Thing I've been talking about) completed, and more information will be coming on that next week. It's not huge, but it's groovy.
I want to talk about perfume, and how gleefully happy it makes me on so many levels, and how I owe topknot some truly perverted porn for sending me . . . I think 14 imps, including a decant of Spanked, which I'm going to try over the weekend.
In short, I want to share my random little life with you people because I want to feel less alone; I want to feel held and safe and lifted up by knowing that random strangers somewhere out in the dark feel the same cold drafts in their psychological drawers that I feel, sometimes chew their ice like I do, yell at their cats like I do, feel scared like I do, watch the same cartoons and TV shows I watch, laugh at the same bad jokes.
I'll update with something more concrete tomorrow. I just wanted to speak into the void, because it's quiet around here in the deep, dark, soft part of night, and I miss hearing your voices.