(no subject)
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When a GIRL is quiet, Millions of things are running through her mind.
When a GIRL is not arguing, She is thinking deeply.
When a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around.
When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.
. When a GIRL stares at you, she is wondering why you are lying.
. When a GIRL lays on your chest, She is wishing for you to be hers forever.
. When a GIRL wants to see you everyday, She wants to be pampered.
When a GIRL says I love you, she means it.
When a GIRL says "i miss you", no one in this world can miss you more than that
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^ Stole that from Katy because it's true.
In other news....I spent the day at Fawn's watching chick flicks. Yes. Me and Fawn. Watching chick flicks. And commenting, because that's what we do. And coloring. Good time. Good curry. And, get this, get this, FAWN HUGGED ME GOODBYE. Yes my friends, the world may be ending. XD
Chick flicks, of course, are very unhealthy for me. But I like living in my dream, hoping for my dream. I won't write my dream, because if I do, then everyone will know, and that would be like crawling under my skin and into my soul, and I won't let you there. But I'm sure if you know me really well, if you listen to what I say, know what's in my heart, you'll know what my dream is. Christine knows. That's about it, truthfully. She's the only one I feel safe telling my whole heart to. Kevin's a man, so I can't be as positively open with him, and he wouldn't understand anyway. Men don't understand a woman's feelings and never will. Morgan doesn't talk to me much anymore. Fawn....I'm close to her, and I trust her, but I know she doesn't trust me, so I don't tell her many of my serious thoughts. And, well...Jenny's a whole different story in herself. Aimee knows some of my heart, but not as raw of feelings as Christine does, because Christine is the one who ends up in my car late at night being driven home, and late at night while I'm driving is when I pour my heart out. And Alan...well, I couldn't tell him. Because...he knows what it is, I'm sure, and I don't think he likes hearing it. Because...well, his heart is somewhere totally different.
Now, I'm okay, don't worry about me people, I'm not being depressed. I'm just...trying to come to terms with the fact that my hopes are in vain. See, when I watch chick flicks, they make me think. Yeah, stupid, I know, that movies make me think, especially fluffy ones like those....but.....I dunno, it makes me wonder if anything from a chick flick would ever come true. If there really will be a guy someday that will hold onto my hand and tell me he's not going away and actually mean it. If there'll be a guy one day who will run after me when I run away. A guy who gives a damn when I try to block him out of my life. If one day I'll have my own version of happily ever after. I mean, I know it's impossible, because bad things ALWAYS happen...but my idea of happily ever after is getting married and staying married. That's all. If I have that....not even death can truly beat me down. I know I have love, I know that I have SO MANY friends that love me....but is it wrong to, on a cold night, wish to have someone to cuddle with instead of a stuffed animal? Someone to share a blanket with other than my dog? And don't get me wrong, I am SO THANKFUL for everyone I have in my life, all the love I have....I have more than billions of people do....and I know and I appreciate that....but a selfish part of me wants someone to share the world with, you know?
I mean, haven't you ever watched a sunset alone and wished there was someone special to witness it with you? Haven't you ever sat at the table during the holidays and wished there was someone holding your hand and laughing along with you at the antics of your family? Like yesterday, my mom was preparing the turkey and decided to weigh it upstairs on the scale, so she starts walking up the stairs with the turkey in a towel, and my dad is like, "Where are you going with that turkey, Linds?" And my mom, in her "innocent" voice says, "To weigh it....I have a towel!!" Little things like that that I see and laugh at and somewhere inside of me I wish there was a special person to tell that to later on that night and giggle about it, be in my world with someone. I'm tired of being alone in my own little world....I want to share it WITH someone. I want to share my dreams and hopes and loves and all the beauty I see in the world with someone, I want someone to discuss things with, my job, the world, theories, ANYTHING....someone to talk to. Someone I can share my life with.
I used to be overly blessed, having both Morgan and Alan to share my life with....and I went from that to nothing. And I wonder to myself, on nights I think about these things, why suddenly I have no one that close anymore, and whether it's the people around me or my own fault. I know what it feels like to be blessed with two people that share your heart....two people you feel your heart connected to with invisible threads.....two people whose souls seem to just intertwine with yours....and I think to myself....why did I have to lose that? And why don't they feel this same emptiness that I feel upon losing it? Mostly I just can't understand why....if they ever felt the same way.....they would just pick up and rip themselves away from me....and whether it's them that did it, or if I did it to them. So in a sense I feel betrayed and like a betrayer of the heart and soul.
This is why I don't much like cold weather. It makes me very lonely....makes me want to curl up warm and safe, and it makes me realize how cold it really can be when you have nothing warm and safe to curl up with. Other than my blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals, that is. What my bed is filled with, trying to fend off the winter cold as well as the cold of loneliness.
This is why I shouldn't watch chick flicks, ESPECIALLY when it's cold, unless I have a big bowl of ice cream and a huge mug of hot chocolate, followed by coffee.
And I wanted to rent a movie tonight. A Lot Like Love, to be exact. Tomorrow night then, I guess. There's hardly anything better than watching a movie in the silence of the house in my own little room with no light but the TV screen, with a bunch of food and hot beverages right next to me. That is THE ONLY way to fend off loneliness. Because even when you're in a big group of people that love you....you can still feel very empty inside.
I do wish I were stronger. People say I'm strong....I know they're liars, the lot of them.
When a GIRL is quiet, Millions of things are running through her mind.
When a GIRL is not arguing, She is thinking deeply.
When a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around.
When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.
. When a GIRL stares at you, she is wondering why you are lying.
. When a GIRL lays on your chest, She is wishing for you to be hers forever.
. When a GIRL wants to see you everyday, She wants to be pampered.
When a GIRL says I love you, she means it.
When a GIRL says "i miss you", no one in this world can miss you more than that
...............................................................................................
^ Stole that from Katy because it's true.
In other news....I spent the day at Fawn's watching chick flicks. Yes. Me and Fawn. Watching chick flicks. And commenting, because that's what we do. And coloring. Good time. Good curry. And, get this, get this, FAWN HUGGED ME GOODBYE. Yes my friends, the world may be ending. XD
Chick flicks, of course, are very unhealthy for me. But I like living in my dream, hoping for my dream. I won't write my dream, because if I do, then everyone will know, and that would be like crawling under my skin and into my soul, and I won't let you there. But I'm sure if you know me really well, if you listen to what I say, know what's in my heart, you'll know what my dream is. Christine knows. That's about it, truthfully. She's the only one I feel safe telling my whole heart to. Kevin's a man, so I can't be as positively open with him, and he wouldn't understand anyway. Men don't understand a woman's feelings and never will. Morgan doesn't talk to me much anymore. Fawn....I'm close to her, and I trust her, but I know she doesn't trust me, so I don't tell her many of my serious thoughts. And, well...Jenny's a whole different story in herself. Aimee knows some of my heart, but not as raw of feelings as Christine does, because Christine is the one who ends up in my car late at night being driven home, and late at night while I'm driving is when I pour my heart out. And Alan...well, I couldn't tell him. Because...he knows what it is, I'm sure, and I don't think he likes hearing it. Because...well, his heart is somewhere totally different.
Now, I'm okay, don't worry about me people, I'm not being depressed. I'm just...trying to come to terms with the fact that my hopes are in vain. See, when I watch chick flicks, they make me think. Yeah, stupid, I know, that movies make me think, especially fluffy ones like those....but.....I dunno, it makes me wonder if anything from a chick flick would ever come true. If there really will be a guy someday that will hold onto my hand and tell me he's not going away and actually mean it. If there'll be a guy one day who will run after me when I run away. A guy who gives a damn when I try to block him out of my life. If one day I'll have my own version of happily ever after. I mean, I know it's impossible, because bad things ALWAYS happen...but my idea of happily ever after is getting married and staying married. That's all. If I have that....not even death can truly beat me down. I know I have love, I know that I have SO MANY friends that love me....but is it wrong to, on a cold night, wish to have someone to cuddle with instead of a stuffed animal? Someone to share a blanket with other than my dog? And don't get me wrong, I am SO THANKFUL for everyone I have in my life, all the love I have....I have more than billions of people do....and I know and I appreciate that....but a selfish part of me wants someone to share the world with, you know?
I mean, haven't you ever watched a sunset alone and wished there was someone special to witness it with you? Haven't you ever sat at the table during the holidays and wished there was someone holding your hand and laughing along with you at the antics of your family? Like yesterday, my mom was preparing the turkey and decided to weigh it upstairs on the scale, so she starts walking up the stairs with the turkey in a towel, and my dad is like, "Where are you going with that turkey, Linds?" And my mom, in her "innocent" voice says, "To weigh it....I have a towel!!" Little things like that that I see and laugh at and somewhere inside of me I wish there was a special person to tell that to later on that night and giggle about it, be in my world with someone. I'm tired of being alone in my own little world....I want to share it WITH someone. I want to share my dreams and hopes and loves and all the beauty I see in the world with someone, I want someone to discuss things with, my job, the world, theories, ANYTHING....someone to talk to. Someone I can share my life with.
I used to be overly blessed, having both Morgan and Alan to share my life with....and I went from that to nothing. And I wonder to myself, on nights I think about these things, why suddenly I have no one that close anymore, and whether it's the people around me or my own fault. I know what it feels like to be blessed with two people that share your heart....two people you feel your heart connected to with invisible threads.....two people whose souls seem to just intertwine with yours....and I think to myself....why did I have to lose that? And why don't they feel this same emptiness that I feel upon losing it? Mostly I just can't understand why....if they ever felt the same way.....they would just pick up and rip themselves away from me....and whether it's them that did it, or if I did it to them. So in a sense I feel betrayed and like a betrayer of the heart and soul.
This is why I don't much like cold weather. It makes me very lonely....makes me want to curl up warm and safe, and it makes me realize how cold it really can be when you have nothing warm and safe to curl up with. Other than my blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals, that is. What my bed is filled with, trying to fend off the winter cold as well as the cold of loneliness.
This is why I shouldn't watch chick flicks, ESPECIALLY when it's cold, unless I have a big bowl of ice cream and a huge mug of hot chocolate, followed by coffee.
And I wanted to rent a movie tonight. A Lot Like Love, to be exact. Tomorrow night then, I guess. There's hardly anything better than watching a movie in the silence of the house in my own little room with no light but the TV screen, with a bunch of food and hot beverages right next to me. That is THE ONLY way to fend off loneliness. Because even when you're in a big group of people that love you....you can still feel very empty inside.
I do wish I were stronger. People say I'm strong....I know they're liars, the lot of them.