At this point in time . . .
I'm tired of running. I'm tired of hiding. Overall this makes me mentally and spiritually exhausted. I feel run ragged.
I feel like a human doing instead of a human being. I have patterns, habits, and routines that I just mechanically walk through, and this is because nothing means anything. I go where I go because it's on my schedule and either people expect me to be (don't let people down) there or I have to show some sense of responsibility by showing up. Nothing means anything because in this pattern my heart shows little to no signs of resonating wit anything.
I read once that looks and personality fade and change, but the one thing that remains constant throughout is faith. So this thing that is supposed to give meaning to everything, this "faith", I can't seem to grip.
Different things mean a lot to different people because they enjoy them and somewhere in them this "thing" whatever it may be (religion, music, relationships, school, activities, sports) brings them some form and amount of joy or happiness. But things change, people change. These "things" present obstacles and get harder. Some days you just don't feel like doing anything, even the things that bring you the most joy. So what makes you keep going? IS it your schedule or the clock? That's what it is for me right now. But something in me tells me that there has to be something more than just my schedule and the clock, some kind of fuel for the fire that promotes and encourages perseverance through those times. The only fuel that I can see doing that is faith walking hand in hand with hope. So that then presents the question of what is faith? There may be some form of absolute, but in order for faith to be a fuel in my life I have to figure out what it means/is to me.
At this point faith has been the "thing to do" and a means by which I can "fit in". There's this overwhelming fear that without some form of this faith that I won't be able to relate to anyone close to me and I won't be accepted. This was the way it was in youth group and then it carried itself into my college of choice of what I understood to be a "Christian University". (which is why I chose it at the time. it was a place where I could go and continue to fit in and be accepted) So in times of not having faith I got really good at faking it, out of fear of not connecting with other people. So I would subject myself to disciplines that accompany faith, hoping that maybe out of my attempts of being equipped to fake it, it would manifest itself into something real (a lot of what I feel like I do from day to day even still). But after 21 years this has yet to be the case. Disciplines of prayer and reading scripture turn into times of confusion and just words on a page, and from these come conversations with other people that are just words to provide a topic for communication. From this comes a pattern of being routine and mechanic where nothing means anything.
So the reason for all of this is I'm tired of all of that. Why read and pray when it doesn't seem to affect me? But in that question is where hope finds a tiny whole to squeeze through. Because in all honesty, there have been times where prayer and reading scripture have really taken on some meaning and I feel a true connection for whatever brief time it may present itself.
So now what lys before me is a journey of making this faith my own. In the words of Henri Nouwen, "A journey of believing I am the Beloved followed by the life long journey of becoming the Beloved."
So it's right there in front of me. I know what I need to do. So now I just need to use the resources around me such as texts to expand my understanding and brothers to keep me accountable to continue on this journey. I think it's going to lead me to a place of child like faith. In a recent conversation I had with a close friend he said in a child like faith you stop feeling like you have to live for the world and can actually step into living for the sake of living and seeing where God leads you with every step and turn.
I think where frustration can start is we live in a society of immediate results and this is a process that will take a lifetime.
God grant me with patience and perseverance admits the hardest struggles. Open up my eyes to a real truth.
This felt good to et down and share. Feel free to respond and initiate conversation. My prayer is that this stirs thought beyond reading simple words on a screen. Prayers are appreciated. I love you all with all the love I have and understand.
-Keith
I feel like a human doing instead of a human being. I have patterns, habits, and routines that I just mechanically walk through, and this is because nothing means anything. I go where I go because it's on my schedule and either people expect me to be (don't let people down) there or I have to show some sense of responsibility by showing up. Nothing means anything because in this pattern my heart shows little to no signs of resonating wit anything.
I read once that looks and personality fade and change, but the one thing that remains constant throughout is faith. So this thing that is supposed to give meaning to everything, this "faith", I can't seem to grip.
Different things mean a lot to different people because they enjoy them and somewhere in them this "thing" whatever it may be (religion, music, relationships, school, activities, sports) brings them some form and amount of joy or happiness. But things change, people change. These "things" present obstacles and get harder. Some days you just don't feel like doing anything, even the things that bring you the most joy. So what makes you keep going? IS it your schedule or the clock? That's what it is for me right now. But something in me tells me that there has to be something more than just my schedule and the clock, some kind of fuel for the fire that promotes and encourages perseverance through those times. The only fuel that I can see doing that is faith walking hand in hand with hope. So that then presents the question of what is faith? There may be some form of absolute, but in order for faith to be a fuel in my life I have to figure out what it means/is to me.
At this point faith has been the "thing to do" and a means by which I can "fit in". There's this overwhelming fear that without some form of this faith that I won't be able to relate to anyone close to me and I won't be accepted. This was the way it was in youth group and then it carried itself into my college of choice of what I understood to be a "Christian University". (which is why I chose it at the time. it was a place where I could go and continue to fit in and be accepted) So in times of not having faith I got really good at faking it, out of fear of not connecting with other people. So I would subject myself to disciplines that accompany faith, hoping that maybe out of my attempts of being equipped to fake it, it would manifest itself into something real (a lot of what I feel like I do from day to day even still). But after 21 years this has yet to be the case. Disciplines of prayer and reading scripture turn into times of confusion and just words on a page, and from these come conversations with other people that are just words to provide a topic for communication. From this comes a pattern of being routine and mechanic where nothing means anything.
So the reason for all of this is I'm tired of all of that. Why read and pray when it doesn't seem to affect me? But in that question is where hope finds a tiny whole to squeeze through. Because in all honesty, there have been times where prayer and reading scripture have really taken on some meaning and I feel a true connection for whatever brief time it may present itself.
So now what lys before me is a journey of making this faith my own. In the words of Henri Nouwen, "A journey of believing I am the Beloved followed by the life long journey of becoming the Beloved."
So it's right there in front of me. I know what I need to do. So now I just need to use the resources around me such as texts to expand my understanding and brothers to keep me accountable to continue on this journey. I think it's going to lead me to a place of child like faith. In a recent conversation I had with a close friend he said in a child like faith you stop feeling like you have to live for the world and can actually step into living for the sake of living and seeing where God leads you with every step and turn.
I think where frustration can start is we live in a society of immediate results and this is a process that will take a lifetime.
God grant me with patience and perseverance admits the hardest struggles. Open up my eyes to a real truth.
This felt good to et down and share. Feel free to respond and initiate conversation. My prayer is that this stirs thought beyond reading simple words on a screen. Prayers are appreciated. I love you all with all the love I have and understand.
-Keith