(no subject)
As I sit here I can't stop thinking about how much I fucked up in most ways in the last several months. How much I changed. Mostly not in good ways. How much I regret. In the last several months I did things I told myself I wont ever do..try for years. I hate how the new meaning of my life became my weekends. I hate to admit that every single weekday all I think about is the weekend. Instead of fixing up the weekday life, I'm fucking it up. Skipping work, and skipping school. I have a feeling that I might lose my job soon. Job that I wanted for years, and finally got back in September. And school. Grade 12. When marks are actually matter they keep going lower and lower for me. Once again cause of my new born ignorance towards the real life.
I can't sleep. I owe someone money, and I have to give it back today. I hope my friend would be able to come over and get my debit card, get cash out, and pay that person. I'm not allowed out of the house cause of how fucked up I was this morning. When I was in the shower, I actually started fainting. Wanted to throw up so badly. My mom thinks I do drugs, and well, I do. I don't remember the last time I felt so miserable. As I think back to simply this weekend, I already start regretting a number of things. Small ones. "Why did I say that?", "Why did I act that way?"...
Whenever I look, when it comes to my life, everything is a mess. I look around myself, my room is a mess. I look at work, mess. School - mess. Love life - just as fucked up as everything else. How did I manage to get as low as that in a matter of several months? Should I blame someone else, or my own self? Obviously my own self. Why did I make all those choices? To fit in better? To have more fun? Maybe. But I did enjoy myself just as much before.
Every fairy tail comes to an end. Doesn't really matter whether it's a happy one, or pathetic one. It's time for this one to end as well. Before it's simply too late. You know, I can always tell myself "No" whatever it comes too really easily. However, for me to say "Yes" to something, is much harder. For me its easier to quit smoking, than to study for a chemistry test. Cause quitting smoking requires a "No", while studying for a test requires a "Yes". Well, lately it worked the other way for some reason. I agreed simply to too many things. And none of them were positive ones. I denied a number of things as well. And none of them were negative ones. Perhaps it's the time for it to work the other way for a while. Perhaps it's the time to say "No" to the newly made habits, and instead of them find some that would actually benefit me. Perhaps it's the time to say no to the bar scene and the rave scene. Both completely fucked me up in the last several months. Maybe it's time for a change? Maybe it's the time to make some for once positive decisions? Cause the only positive change that I got since December is that I told my self to never again have a "thing" with anyone without any attachments. As I think back now, I did break that decision a number of times. All were done when I was high, and wasn't thinking straight. Maybe it's a sign that I should blame drugs for that in a way? After all, it was my choice to do drugs. Therefore, it's my own fault. Whenever I look, everything turns out to be my fault. Everything was my choice. Nothing was forced.
As I listen to "We Never Change" by Coldplay, I wonder. Do we really not change? Did I change, or did I discover something about my own self that I didn't see before? Maybe I'm still exactly the same as I were before, only lately I've been in a search to find what am I really like? As I take a look inside my life, I think there's no better answer than "No". It's not what I really am like. I simply am disgusted with my own self. And I don't remember the last time I was I felt this way. Perhaps in my slutty days? And when I decided to change that?
I sincerely believe that a person should try everything he or she can, in order to actually live, not exist. Over the last several months, I did try a lot. I tried boys. I tried drugs. I raved my Saturday nights away. I met 14 year olds that are addicted to drugs, and 23 year olds that can't make a simple smart decision in their miserable lives. Models with the biggest egos, and the kindest people ever with the smallest ones.
This experience was different. I can't say it was good, nor can I say it was bad. But overall, it did fuck me up quiet a bit. I met so many people. Most of the people that I care about the most and consider my best friends were found there. I'll take a step out of this new life. It's just about time. But I'll keep everyone else that I found there.
What will I change about myself?
1. No Temple of Sound/raving for at least 2 months.
2. No Desire for a month.
3. No drugs(ecstasy) what's so ever, until I manage to buy a car. Besides drinking. I just realized I didn't have a drink in months.
4. Not spending money on anything pointless. Trying to limit my shopping for clothes to 100-150$ a month. Perhaps try to sell clothes I dont wear anymore, or never worn at all on Ebay.
5. Smoking just 1 fag a day. Buying just 1 pack of smokes a month.
6. Still keeping up with no sleeping around goal.
7. Not skipping more than 1-2 classes a week.
8. Not dating anyone I meet at the bar/raves.
9. Save up 4-5 grand until September, for the books for university.
10. Budget.
11. Study. Try. And take care of schoolwork.
12. Start to organize my time.
13. Each week have coffee or dinner with one of the old friends I didn't see in months, or myspace friends I haven't met in person yet.
I think I'm done. And I hope that I'll keep up with every new decision that I made for myself. I should. For the simple reason - so that I never ever again will feel the way I feel about myself today.