(no subject)
It's been a while.
Well, there's been a lot going on in my life.
Bidaily therapy sessions, trips to the doctor, lots of work, and apartment hunting (a bit of car hunting too).
I work hmm, lemme see, 13.5 x 5 = .... 67.5 hours a week about?
That leaves me with NO time to see anyone, well, I see Ben and Travis once in a while, saw Tegan at work today that was nice.
I'm joining the National Guard (yeah, who would think ME of all people).
So there go the rest of my weekends, since the Guard meets up on the weekends.
I actually really miss Amelia for some reason, I guess it was because I could bitch at her about my shitty life.
And oh god do I miss Matt, but by the time I want to call him it's about right now, 1AM.
I took today off at Ruud which is nice, a nice planned day of doing fucking nothing. But I still need to work 5:30 to 10:30 at the Pig. New owners are very Italian, but cool.
The reason I've been kind of dodgy from most people is the fact that I'm not going to school as of now. I got so much shit from people, but one or two others aren't going to school and for some reason my "friends" came up with what they thought were legitimate excuses for them not to go. I thought that was very unfair. People just keep pushing me to go, and I AM GOING TO SCHOOL STARTING NEXT FALL SEMESTER DON'T FREAK THE FUCK OUT MOTHERFUCKERS! I just don't think it's fair that people think so low of me because I am not going, yet others say "oh, it's ok for so-and-so not to go to school", but not me? Yeah I've talked about going to college right away but I didn't plan for my life to change for the worse. I'd be going to school right now if things would be "normal".
Look, right now I just want to work, get a place, maybe go to Iraq if the offer comes on the table from Jim Doyle (the Guard is run by state governments not the federal government), and go to Italy and have a damn good time by myself.
I really have to say, I like working this much. I might complain about it but you know what?
I do literal "work" maybe for an hour a day at Ruud.
I go to the Pig and eat and talk to people I know at work.
I'd say that's pretty awesome.
I've been working since the age of 13 and I LOVE it.
I just got so mad that one night Ben and Justin because I was mad at myself, afraid to say, "What the fuck, it's ok for Josh not to go to school but it's not for me?".
I NEED TO GET BETTER!!!!
Therapy is working surprisingly well. I get to cry and swear and smoke and do whatever the fuck I want in the psychiatrists office. I can relax, put down the defense, and just let it all out, and it feels fucking amazing.
I've had 4 different doctors tell me, "say what's on your mind, if they were your friends, they'd understand or at least try to fit in your shoes" or something to that extent.
I'd say things are going preeeetttyyy good.
You've all probably heard I've attempted suicide 2 weels ago. THAT didn't go over so well. Getting your stomach pumped was not worth it, and seeing my mom crying so hard she could hardly breathe was even worse. I can't even fathom how heroin addicts can keep it up so damn long.
My cell phone broke a week ago and it's kind of been nice not having one, but my mother insists that I get it fixed or get a new one, so I guess that's on the agenda for today.
Hmmm...
I've been very tell-it-like-it-is-y lately. If someone is pissing me off or just won't shutup, I'll tell them, youre being annoying, shut it. That attitude has made me realise that I was so damn vulnurable to all of you. I was always passive, I never ever told anyone off or told them to shut their fucking mouths. That's why in my opinion people always thought that I was defenseless towards all the teasing and badgering, even friendly. I'd never have a response to it.
But, in closing, because I need a cigarette; I've changed big time.
I'm now kind of an asshole, but my eyes are WAY more openned than they ever were.
"Never feel sorry for yourself, because all that will lead to is people feeling sorry for your unwillingness to let go of tragedy and make anew" - Dr. Nichols(sp?)
-Night
Well, there's been a lot going on in my life.
Bidaily therapy sessions, trips to the doctor, lots of work, and apartment hunting (a bit of car hunting too).
I work hmm, lemme see, 13.5 x 5 = .... 67.5 hours a week about?
That leaves me with NO time to see anyone, well, I see Ben and Travis once in a while, saw Tegan at work today that was nice.
I'm joining the National Guard (yeah, who would think ME of all people).
So there go the rest of my weekends, since the Guard meets up on the weekends.
I actually really miss Amelia for some reason, I guess it was because I could bitch at her about my shitty life.
And oh god do I miss Matt, but by the time I want to call him it's about right now, 1AM.
I took today off at Ruud which is nice, a nice planned day of doing fucking nothing. But I still need to work 5:30 to 10:30 at the Pig. New owners are very Italian, but cool.
The reason I've been kind of dodgy from most people is the fact that I'm not going to school as of now. I got so much shit from people, but one or two others aren't going to school and for some reason my "friends" came up with what they thought were legitimate excuses for them not to go. I thought that was very unfair. People just keep pushing me to go, and I AM GOING TO SCHOOL STARTING NEXT FALL SEMESTER DON'T FREAK THE FUCK OUT MOTHERFUCKERS! I just don't think it's fair that people think so low of me because I am not going, yet others say "oh, it's ok for so-and-so not to go to school", but not me? Yeah I've talked about going to college right away but I didn't plan for my life to change for the worse. I'd be going to school right now if things would be "normal".
Look, right now I just want to work, get a place, maybe go to Iraq if the offer comes on the table from Jim Doyle (the Guard is run by state governments not the federal government), and go to Italy and have a damn good time by myself.
I really have to say, I like working this much. I might complain about it but you know what?
I do literal "work" maybe for an hour a day at Ruud.
I go to the Pig and eat and talk to people I know at work.
I'd say that's pretty awesome.
I've been working since the age of 13 and I LOVE it.
I just got so mad that one night Ben and Justin because I was mad at myself, afraid to say, "What the fuck, it's ok for Josh not to go to school but it's not for me?".
I NEED TO GET BETTER!!!!
Therapy is working surprisingly well. I get to cry and swear and smoke and do whatever the fuck I want in the psychiatrists office. I can relax, put down the defense, and just let it all out, and it feels fucking amazing.
I've had 4 different doctors tell me, "say what's on your mind, if they were your friends, they'd understand or at least try to fit in your shoes" or something to that extent.
I'd say things are going preeeetttyyy good.
You've all probably heard I've attempted suicide 2 weels ago. THAT didn't go over so well. Getting your stomach pumped was not worth it, and seeing my mom crying so hard she could hardly breathe was even worse. I can't even fathom how heroin addicts can keep it up so damn long.
My cell phone broke a week ago and it's kind of been nice not having one, but my mother insists that I get it fixed or get a new one, so I guess that's on the agenda for today.
Hmmm...
I've been very tell-it-like-it-is-y lately. If someone is pissing me off or just won't shutup, I'll tell them, youre being annoying, shut it. That attitude has made me realise that I was so damn vulnurable to all of you. I was always passive, I never ever told anyone off or told them to shut their fucking mouths. That's why in my opinion people always thought that I was defenseless towards all the teasing and badgering, even friendly. I'd never have a response to it.
But, in closing, because I need a cigarette; I've changed big time.
I'm now kind of an asshole, but my eyes are WAY more openned than they ever were.
"Never feel sorry for yourself, because all that will lead to is people feeling sorry for your unwillingness to let go of tragedy and make anew" - Dr. Nichols(sp?)
-Night