ahhhhhh *running with scissors*
Maybe I ask to much of him? Maybe theres something wrong with me? God knows Im far from perfect. Maybe I really need medical help for my stupid issues. I really hate feeling like I need someone. I DONT!!!!! The only person I need is myself. Im the only person who can make ME happy. So why does hearing his voice make me smile? Why do his ramblings make me laugh? Why do I feel like I cant go one day without talking to him? I hate this!!! I dont know how to take this. When hes happy Im on top of the world... but if hes not... I feel like a piece of chewed up gum thats been stepped on a million times and stuck to the bottom of someones shoe. When he holds me I feel like nothing could ever be wrong again. But then I have to leave. And my world seems to fall apart at the seams. Its like he has a life without me in it. And he likes that. Which is good but I dont feel like Ill ever be a part of it like he doesnt ever want me to be a part of it. I dont know why im feeling like this prolly because I havent seen him in 2 weeks and I feel like im going crazy. This seriously isnt normal for me. I feel like im weak. Weakness is BAD!!!!
Ok now that I have some of the steam out... I can breathe the world isnt falling apart life goes on whether or not I want it to. No matter how much I want to pull the covers up over my head and cry Im not giving in to it. No matter how much I want to call him and say Im sorry Im not going to. I feel like im always calling... Im so stupid I hate myself ughh!!!! How can I have already given him this much of me? Seriously Channel!!!! Wake up!!!! Hes just going to hurt you like everyone else. I just wanna be held right now... and for someone to let me cry. I want him to call me and tell me he loves me and mean it.
I guess I just wish hed let me in. I feel like hes pushing me away. Im not giving up I cant not when I havent felt like this in a long time. I hate myself for feeling like this. I ask myself all the time why I have to love him? Maybe because hes the one person I can be myself with and it doesnt matter? He makes me smile and laugh and happy. I just dont know if I do the same things for him.
"Seeing the good in everyont is a fault of yours and it is not really bad but it will get you hurt a lot if the person does not shelter your heart from how easy it is to hurt it."
A very good friend said this to me today. How true it is...
ok ok ok IM DONE IM DONE sitting here IM DONE with the tears IM going to be HAPPY... We're still together even with a hundred miles between us. I love him and thats all that matters. I can go a day without talking to him I will make myself.
I dont want him to ever know how much power he has over me. If he did Id prolly be ruined. But o well Im an open book. I dont hide anything even as bad as it gets. Im honest always... lalalalalalalalala
*stabs someone in the eye with the scissors* yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Ok now that I have some of the steam out... I can breathe the world isnt falling apart life goes on whether or not I want it to. No matter how much I want to pull the covers up over my head and cry Im not giving in to it. No matter how much I want to call him and say Im sorry Im not going to. I feel like im always calling... Im so stupid I hate myself ughh!!!! How can I have already given him this much of me? Seriously Channel!!!! Wake up!!!! Hes just going to hurt you like everyone else. I just wanna be held right now... and for someone to let me cry. I want him to call me and tell me he loves me and mean it.
I guess I just wish hed let me in. I feel like hes pushing me away. Im not giving up I cant not when I havent felt like this in a long time. I hate myself for feeling like this. I ask myself all the time why I have to love him? Maybe because hes the one person I can be myself with and it doesnt matter? He makes me smile and laugh and happy. I just dont know if I do the same things for him.
"Seeing the good in everyont is a fault of yours and it is not really bad but it will get you hurt a lot if the person does not shelter your heart from how easy it is to hurt it."
A very good friend said this to me today. How true it is...
ok ok ok IM DONE IM DONE sitting here IM DONE with the tears IM going to be HAPPY... We're still together even with a hundred miles between us. I love him and thats all that matters. I can go a day without talking to him I will make myself.
I dont want him to ever know how much power he has over me. If he did Id prolly be ruined. But o well Im an open book. I dont hide anything even as bad as it gets. Im honest always... lalalalalalalalala
*stabs someone in the eye with the scissors* yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy