Update

[n0wheret0run]

Reading or posting an update on LiveJournal is entirely different than waiting for an update on someone's life status. Everything is so much more critical, but you can't do anything about anything either way. You can change what people say, and you can't change what a doctor says; it's different. Online, you can change what you say; you can take things back. But when you're sitting around waiting for an update as to whether or not your family will lose a beloved member, updating a journal just seems silly. It doesn't seem logical; it seems like a plea for attention. It seems like many things that it is not, but such is the way with life in general. Stop. Rewind. Take it back. Everything's a let down and a bother. The slightest glimpse of hope is shadowed with ambiguity. It's nail-biting and teeth-grinding and stress-eating and everything else that doesn't change what the doctor says. It's CAT scans and amnesia that lasts too long and eyes that aren't dilating correctly. It's everything that could go wrong and everything that can go right. How crippling this is. I don't even know everything there is to know; it's a need-to-know basis, and everyone thinks that I don't need to know. There is prayer and tears and love; there's fear. There's nervous waiting. There's everything that one could feel; happiness breeds guilt, and guilt brings sadness. Sadness to match uncertainty. And no one knows; no one knows what to say or what to do. No right way to sleep and nowhere comfortable to sit. I am broken.

If he doesn't make it, I don't know what I'll do.