(no subject)
i stumbled on my childhood tonight.
i was randomly scrolling through peoples itunes and i came upon a live version of "fire" by bruce springsteen.
the same live version that my parents have on vinyl in my family room at home.
the same live version that i used to dance to when i was young.
the same live version that reminds me of summer nights.
the same live version that i memorized all the words to.
the same live version that, in making me think of home and my childhood, makes me think that never in my life will i ever really get a perfect nights sleep again, that never in my life will i be completely care free, that never in my life will i ever be allowed to go outside all day, or play with barbies, or...there are so many...
i am not who i am. i cannot be. i can't be this 20 year old, junior in college, almost out in the real world. i just can't be. where did that little girl go? why can't i go back? i want to go back.
its funny what memories we hold with us and which ones we choose to discard. for instance...one of my strongest memories of my childhood is my father towel drying my hair after a bath or shower...he would make bathtime so fun, id end up with all my toys in the tub and id have stories to go along with each of them...but afterwards he would toweldry my hair so hard that i would get dizzy...and i would of course immediately ask for my mother to do it...but dad took care of bathtime so...he just didn't understand since he'd never had hair any longer than an inch...but even though it drove me crazy...i loved it...
but yet, i can't remember my brother being born...or the first time i even realized he was there...i don't really remember my dog abby...or at least my earliest memory of her is when she was old and dying...i don't remember birthdays, parties, trips, falls, holidays...hell i dont even remember most of my freshman year of college...
i want to do one of those "repressed" memory things at therapy sometime...i realized the other night just how massive those black spans of time are in my life...whats scary is i don't remember details that are really important...its q hard realization to realize that you don't remember events in your life which should have left a pretty big impression...
god...drunk people. they're everywhere...
okay enough of this...im making myself sad and incredibly homesick.
i was randomly scrolling through peoples itunes and i came upon a live version of "fire" by bruce springsteen.
the same live version that my parents have on vinyl in my family room at home.
the same live version that i used to dance to when i was young.
the same live version that reminds me of summer nights.
the same live version that i memorized all the words to.
the same live version that, in making me think of home and my childhood, makes me think that never in my life will i ever really get a perfect nights sleep again, that never in my life will i be completely care free, that never in my life will i ever be allowed to go outside all day, or play with barbies, or...there are so many...
i am not who i am. i cannot be. i can't be this 20 year old, junior in college, almost out in the real world. i just can't be. where did that little girl go? why can't i go back? i want to go back.
its funny what memories we hold with us and which ones we choose to discard. for instance...one of my strongest memories of my childhood is my father towel drying my hair after a bath or shower...he would make bathtime so fun, id end up with all my toys in the tub and id have stories to go along with each of them...but afterwards he would toweldry my hair so hard that i would get dizzy...and i would of course immediately ask for my mother to do it...but dad took care of bathtime so...he just didn't understand since he'd never had hair any longer than an inch...but even though it drove me crazy...i loved it...
but yet, i can't remember my brother being born...or the first time i even realized he was there...i don't really remember my dog abby...or at least my earliest memory of her is when she was old and dying...i don't remember birthdays, parties, trips, falls, holidays...hell i dont even remember most of my freshman year of college...
i want to do one of those "repressed" memory things at therapy sometime...i realized the other night just how massive those black spans of time are in my life...whats scary is i don't remember details that are really important...its q hard realization to realize that you don't remember events in your life which should have left a pretty big impression...
god...drunk people. they're everywhere...
okay enough of this...im making myself sad and incredibly homesick.