I lie awake; Because I'm scared
Its 6am. Not a wink of sleep. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Just thinking. Calculating. Weighing out my options. Why though? Is it because I’m scared? I think it is. There is no way around this. No way. I could always just forget about it all. I mean, that’s what I do best. Forget. But it’s different for some reason. I don’t want to forget it all. I don’t want to move on and I don’t want to give up.
Sometimes I wish I were a kid again. Back in the day when boys were ‘ew’. Things were easier. Didn’t have a care in the world, other than what I was eating for lunch. No one cared what you looked like. No one judged you because you did something silly. I want that back. But it’s gone. And it’s never coming back. I’ve just got to accept it. I need strength and I need it now. I’m not going to go on about how unfair life is. Because its not. My life is great. I have a beautiful family that are imperfectly perfect and the two greatest best friends in the world. Overall, I’m happy.
It’s a different story when he makes me happy. He makes me feel like no one else can. Just being around him gives me joy. Its like when he talks there’s this glow around him. I have to blink and notice if anyone else realised it was there. But they don’t. They just don’t. Only I do. Why am I so caught up in this guy? I don’t fall very easily. It takes a lot for me to actually like someone, let alone love them. When I see his name, my face lights up. When I hear his voice, I get a shiver down my spine. When I hug him, it feels like I’m in the safest place on earth. And that’s where I want to be. Right there. In his arms, right now.
But I’m not - and I never will be.
Sometimes I wish I were a kid again. Back in the day when boys were ‘ew’. Things were easier. Didn’t have a care in the world, other than what I was eating for lunch. No one cared what you looked like. No one judged you because you did something silly. I want that back. But it’s gone. And it’s never coming back. I’ve just got to accept it. I need strength and I need it now. I’m not going to go on about how unfair life is. Because its not. My life is great. I have a beautiful family that are imperfectly perfect and the two greatest best friends in the world. Overall, I’m happy.
It’s a different story when he makes me happy. He makes me feel like no one else can. Just being around him gives me joy. Its like when he talks there’s this glow around him. I have to blink and notice if anyone else realised it was there. But they don’t. They just don’t. Only I do. Why am I so caught up in this guy? I don’t fall very easily. It takes a lot for me to actually like someone, let alone love them. When I see his name, my face lights up. When I hear his voice, I get a shiver down my spine. When I hug him, it feels like I’m in the safest place on earth. And that’s where I want to be. Right there. In his arms, right now.
But I’m not - and I never will be.