about animals
I love animals
I'm always talking about animals
I love ‘em
But the thing is
You know
Whenever you see animals on telly
It’s always the show off animals
Yeah
It’s always the leopards and panthers,
Crocodiles and lions milling about going,
"Oh I’m very good, I'm on everything."
And it really makes me annoyed
What about the English animals?
The British mammals, yeah
Herr, What about the, err the muskrat
Or the tiny northern root vole,
With his tiny little banjo and his hat made of elastic bands
Yeah, who’s representing these?
No-one, that's who...
I was furious
I went round all the heavily wooded regions in England
And I just went round them with a small pamphlet
Just recruiting like a huge slave rebellion
I was like Spartacus
I was there going
"Ok we're going to go to Africa; we're going to kick their arses"
And I got a huge sort of tiny little mammal slave rebellion
They were all wearing tunics
We were there sort of rummaging about Greece....well Kent
And I said
"C’mon were gonna go over there and were going to show 'em
I’m sick of the lions, I’m sick of the crocodiles and you must be too!
C'mon now"
So I got 'em in a big rusty bomber and we flew over to Africa
But we needed a strategy, we couldn't just go over there you know,
Go "c'mon" and give them some aggro
We needed a strategy
So what we did was ermm...
We built a huge wooden shrew
Like the wooden horse of Troy but just a little bit more stoaty
With tiny little stoat’s arms holding a spear
And what we'd did we'd lined it,
To make it double dangerous, we'd lined it all with Kit Kat wrappers
Ooh it was fantastic; it was like a glossy bitch
Oh it was so bright, it was a metallic wonder
Small boys would rather eat a pair of scissors than go near the glossy bitch
"Don't make me go near it; I'll eat another pair of scissors,
I can't look at it; it's doing me pupils in"
Oh it was fantastic, its was very war-like, the body was very war-like
But the eyes, they were telling a different story
Body war-like, eyes were like eyes of an Old Russian lady who'd seen too much
An Old Russian lady with her arm caught in a louver
And big sailors would walk past and go
"Hello"
And she'd go,
"No not hello, my arm it’s caught in a louver"
And they'd go,
"Ha yes hello"
"No not hello, it’s gone maroon, my arm it is in a louver"
And he'd go,
"Ha yes hello"
And she'd go,
"No not hello"
And in the she'd have to pick up the two tonnes louver
And walk and follow the home and knock on their front windows
And he'd be going
"Oh you're scaring me a little bit now"
And that's what the eyes were like
Dangerous but beautiful at the same time
And what we did, is we cut two circles out of the base of the shrew
So that Martin, Pie Martin could stick it little stoatly weasley legs through
And wheel us around, it was fantastic, and we had no windows
So we were crashing into antique shops, knocking over stationary yachts
We were having a nightmare, eventually we found the plains and we waited till dusk
Waited till it got a little bit dark, and we looked through a crack in the shrew
They were all out there, Lions milling about
And we thought "We're gonna get you, you freak nuts"
So what we did, we waited till it was dark
And we went out and we went "CHARGE"
And we ran at them
And when we got out there we couldn't believe it
They were huge
Lions the size of transit vans
We couldn't... we didn't know what was happening
Leopards like marques,
"Awh he's like a Victorian tennis house, look at the size of him"
Martin, the pie Martin, was in a right state and said
"Flipping hell, I'm not going out there again; they're wolves in sheep's..,
You didn't tell me they were going to be that huge"
I was like
"What’s happening to your voice?"
He's
"I don't know but I'm a bit scared"
So we all ran back into the shrew and we were like
"Ah no, what are we going to do?"
And we had to come up with Plan B
Luckily Morris the err wood pigeon went
"I've got an idea"
He'd brought Japanese tourist costumes along
So we popped them on and went out there and took photos of 'em all
Haa... but we used them cameras that fire water, ho yeah
Some of the zebras were soaked
Cheetahs were ring out their gussets
We went over there and we kicked their arses
Best weekend I've ever had!