The real purpose of moving to Philadelphia
I've never had such plans screw up so badly in my entire life. I mean, I was all set and ready. Looking forward to leaving and had EVERYTHING planned out. Only for it to be screwed up by ONE little tiny glitch in my plan. See I'm willing to live alone. I'm willing to risk my life in ghetto Philadelphia. I was willing. But for once in my life, WHY NOW, I have no idea, I decided to be an obedient daughter and listen to my father and just stay in California. Well, I do know why now. It's because I see his reasons as to why I should listen to him this time. All the previous arguments we have had, I have failed to see his logic, if there was any. The thing I hate most about him, although I know he means well, is he gives me no EXCUSE or EXPLANATION as to why I should or should not do something. He just knows something and yells at me. His advice was reasonable.
"Don't goto Philadelphia. I'm telling you it's dangerous but you won't listen to me."
**He assumed that even after he told me about my living arrangements that I was still heading to Philadelphia.** And although my staying in California is for my own safety, I can't help but feel so devastated and disappointed. To be in PCC. God. Alhambra High School: Part II. Dear lord. I was so excited to finally leave the west coast. 7 YEARS I've been waiting. The main reason why I've been wanting to leave is because I need to get away from my dad. Albeit, when we do live with each other it's not like we talk or have daily conversations with each other. Hell, I probably wouldn't have talked to him all summer if I wasn't going to move to Philadelphia. Living at home is torture... because the only times we do talk is when we're arguing with each other. It's really stressing because who wants to live that life? I mean, if I had some distance between us, at least I'd miss him and when I do come home I won't be feeling so much pent-up anger towards him for all the shitty things he's done to me in the past.
I've never ever held a grudge against my mother for leaving me, because hell, I could care less about her. And sometimes, people think I'm lying but I'm not. I've never really gave her a second thought in my life. She left me. Period. That's it. It was her choice. Knowing that my father raised me on his own is really admirable. I am and always will be grateful and thankful for him. But at the age of 12 and hearing your father tell you, "I don't care about you anymore. I've given up on you. You live your life however you want to live." kind really affect a person. And although he didn't mean it... on some level because he does care about me and I've always known that, but to hear that. I feel that he should've just left me alone if he was going to put me through that. I don't expect him to be perfect because he's a single parent. I'm his only child. So everything he does is his first time. His life hasn't been easy. But those things he said to me, affected me more than he thinks it did. It hurts me when he yells at me for saying I don't care about him. For saying that my only purpose in life is to make him miserable. It's kind of retarted because I mean, how is it possible that I know why he's angry at me, but he fails to realize why I'm angry at him when everyone is telling him why I'm angry at him.
The past year and a half of counseling has gotten us.. to be civilized. Civilized in the sense that we're not yelling at each other 3 times a week. It's now toned down to perhaps 3 times a month. But then of course, that's all our relationship is. Sometimes, I wonder if we can be called father and daughter. I mean our relationship is as estranged as it can possibly be. I've said it before.. I mean, I can only hit a brick wall so many times before I realize that there's no point in breaking through. I was hoping that with some distance between us, and because I've also gotten older, we'll at least be somewhat normal with each other. At least how we were when we first moved to Cali. But sometimes I question exactly how normal we can be. Because I think we've just been through too many fights to be able to fix this big tear in our relationship. I mean it can be sewn up, but how long will it last? My moving to Philadelphia was for me to gain some independence and although it makes no sense whatsoever, but to fix the relationship I have with my father. The distance apart from each other, will allow us to let go of the things that has happened in the past maybe? Because seeing each other everyday just reminds us of what we dislike about each other... sounds stupid.. but it really does. I mean, we live in the same house but we don't say anything to each other, because it's gotten to a point where talking to each other is meaningless. Perhaps I'm being a little overdramatic saying it's unbearable living here.. but I have proof that I'm not the only one who is going through this. Cousin is my proof. He's going through the exact same shit that I went through my father. It's annoying. It's like a pattern though. Honestly, not healthy. He pushes away those who are closest to him. But that's a completely different subject.
Damn... this entry for some reason made me feel a lot better..
Good news though is that next fall, I'm planning to study abroad in ITALY!!! I'm finally completing another goal of mine. =) I'm so happy. I can't let this be screwed up. I'm planning ahead, going to see a counselor, sign up early. Prep for the trip. EVERYTHING. Get a passport. NOTHING WILL HOLD ME BACK FOR THIS TRIP. NOTHING.