Oh dear.
I've heard it said.. that people come into our lives...for a reason..bringing...something we must learn...
September 23rd, 2008.
I'll never forget today.
Woke up.. went to the doctor (yet again)... still nothing but more tests... could be a tumor.. in my kidneys and if not.. some sort of kdiney disease.... joy oh joy. I dont actually care. As long as they finally figure it out I dont care! so..back in for another ultrasound.. and then if that doesnt come up some other weird scan that will expose me to a bunch of radiation. bring on the sickness bitches.
This wasnt even the highlight of my day,
Left there.. went to that wonderful hospital to see my favoritest nonno in the whole world again.. and i was pretty much trying not to cry the whole tiem i was there. As soon as I walked in, we were alone. Which was nice.. i never get to see nonno alone anymore.. but he was upset. As soon as I went in he told me nonna was lookign at nursing hoems for him and how much he hated the ideaof being stuck in one of those.. he hates that he cant walk. he has been sick for an extra 8 years. He was supposed to die within a year of being diagnosed but hes lasted 8 mroe years. Nonno told me all about how he was feeling.. he looks tired now.. he looks.. weak. I know he isnt, he never ever has been.. but I get where hes coming from. He told me about the pain hes in. I asked him about his physio and he said it feels like theres no point.. he knows he'll probably never be able to walk again.. he doesnt have the strength to. He said theyre trying to get him to kinda shuffle around from chair to chair.. and he did it yesterday but it was so hard he doesnt even know if he can do it today. I cant even type more aout it.. but when I had to go because he was heading to physio , he took my hand like he always does.. his version of a hug i guess.. and he held it tight.. which he never does. and with tears in his eyes, he told me to always be a good girl and how he was dieing and I needed to get through it and all this stuff and he kept squeezing my hand. He didnt want to let me go.. it was killing me hearing him talk like that because I know if he really wnated to hold on he could, but I know he just hates what the cancer has done to him. The medication makes him.. not himself. He knows it, we know it, but no one would ever say it because why would you crush him even more, right?
I cried into Ehsan for like 15 minutes straight and he had noidea why. I couldnt speak all I could do was shake and cry. I couldnt help it.. by the time I got to him I had tried so hard not to cry if i didnt i would have passed out.
Watching someone die is the hardest thing ever. And nonno, no matter what, you're still my hero and I will never give up on you.
Ive been at the hospital so much in the last two weeks.. ill probably be there again tomorrow.. but im going to keep going. You kept telling me how proud you are of me, well im even prouder of you.
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart.
Times are hard, and I dont care if you care. Im going to continue to live my life. Im going to do what makes me happy just like ive been doing. If you dont want to be there with me, thats okay with me. I still have my nonno.. for now. and hes always proud of me. My heart broke a little today when he didnt want to let me go.. because it actually felt like he was scared he'd never see me again. But...
We'll meet again, no matter what.
I dont even know if i made sense in any of this... it gets so hard to think when I picture him in that hospital bed.. =(
September 23rd, 2008.
I'll never forget today.
Woke up.. went to the doctor (yet again)... still nothing but more tests... could be a tumor.. in my kidneys and if not.. some sort of kdiney disease.... joy oh joy. I dont actually care. As long as they finally figure it out I dont care! so..back in for another ultrasound.. and then if that doesnt come up some other weird scan that will expose me to a bunch of radiation. bring on the sickness bitches.
This wasnt even the highlight of my day,
Left there.. went to that wonderful hospital to see my favoritest nonno in the whole world again.. and i was pretty much trying not to cry the whole tiem i was there. As soon as I walked in, we were alone. Which was nice.. i never get to see nonno alone anymore.. but he was upset. As soon as I went in he told me nonna was lookign at nursing hoems for him and how much he hated the ideaof being stuck in one of those.. he hates that he cant walk. he has been sick for an extra 8 years. He was supposed to die within a year of being diagnosed but hes lasted 8 mroe years. Nonno told me all about how he was feeling.. he looks tired now.. he looks.. weak. I know he isnt, he never ever has been.. but I get where hes coming from. He told me about the pain hes in. I asked him about his physio and he said it feels like theres no point.. he knows he'll probably never be able to walk again.. he doesnt have the strength to. He said theyre trying to get him to kinda shuffle around from chair to chair.. and he did it yesterday but it was so hard he doesnt even know if he can do it today. I cant even type more aout it.. but when I had to go because he was heading to physio , he took my hand like he always does.. his version of a hug i guess.. and he held it tight.. which he never does. and with tears in his eyes, he told me to always be a good girl and how he was dieing and I needed to get through it and all this stuff and he kept squeezing my hand. He didnt want to let me go.. it was killing me hearing him talk like that because I know if he really wnated to hold on he could, but I know he just hates what the cancer has done to him. The medication makes him.. not himself. He knows it, we know it, but no one would ever say it because why would you crush him even more, right?
I cried into Ehsan for like 15 minutes straight and he had noidea why. I couldnt speak all I could do was shake and cry. I couldnt help it.. by the time I got to him I had tried so hard not to cry if i didnt i would have passed out.
Watching someone die is the hardest thing ever. And nonno, no matter what, you're still my hero and I will never give up on you.
Ive been at the hospital so much in the last two weeks.. ill probably be there again tomorrow.. but im going to keep going. You kept telling me how proud you are of me, well im even prouder of you.
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart.
Times are hard, and I dont care if you care. Im going to continue to live my life. Im going to do what makes me happy just like ive been doing. If you dont want to be there with me, thats okay with me. I still have my nonno.. for now. and hes always proud of me. My heart broke a little today when he didnt want to let me go.. because it actually felt like he was scared he'd never see me again. But...
We'll meet again, no matter what.
I dont even know if i made sense in any of this... it gets so hard to think when I picture him in that hospital bed.. =(