How to Host a Play/Sex Party

[mzrowan]

I know that hosting TKOP is intimidating for some. You don't need a bunch of kinky furniture or a huge place -- I've been to great parties that consisted of a few air mattresses, one bedroom, and twenty fun people. In my view, it's not that different from hosting a regular party (but then, I've been doing this for a while).

However, that said, here are the things that you might need to think about above and beyond your normal hosting thoughts, in no particular order. Side note: many of these points reflect my personal preferences, and are things that reasonable people may disagree about. For instance, some people deliberately include everyone's email in the CC or To fields so that everyone can see who's invited. Feel free to post dissenting views in the comments!

• Invite about a third fewer people than you would for a normal party. Perhaps also consider capping attendance. People at TKOP need more room than people standing or sitting around talking -- room to lie down, room to spread out toys, room for backswing. Reserve some spots for the people invited to bring additional guests.


• When you're making up the invite list, keep in mind people's sexual/romantic partners. If you have their email addresses, invite them too (although you may have to draw the line somewhere to keep from inviting the entire planet! ;-).


• Some people try to invite a balanced mixture of genders and orientations, both sexual (straight/bi/omni) and kinky (top/bottom/dom/sub/switch) (unless, of course, the point of the event is to limit it to a particular gender and/or sexual identity). I don't worry about that myself, because it seems that there are enough people in my particular community who play with multiple genders and in multiple ways that generally it works out okay.


• When sending out the invites, use BCC or some other mechanism to hide the invitees' emails from each other for privacy reasons, unless it's a group that you know already all knows each other. Conversely, ask for scene names with the RSVPs so you can list who's coming in later messages. (This is why I like using Google forms for invites -- I can require all the exact pieces of information I need!)


• Make sure to include some heartier snacks in your regular party food selection, such as cheese and cold-cuts. Many people need something replenishing after playing. Also have some chocolate or something else sugary.


• Set the heat up slightly higher, at least in the early hours.


• Have a supply of extra sheets and towels to throw over furniture and use on mattresses. It's also nice to have some laundry baskets handy to each play area to collect dirty linens.


• Although guests should bring their own safer sex supplies, it's a good idea to get some assorted condoms, gloves (non-latex is always appreciated), and dental dams. It's also good to have bottles of disinfecting mouthwash in each bathroom.


• Cover all the windows that someone might see into, even if it's just with a taped-up towel.


• Do a "scream test". Have one person go into the play rooms that face the street and scream as loud as they can, while someone else is outside. Can they hear you? If so, consider limiting louder play to another room.


• Think about some mechanism for guests to convey their desires for the night. Some people do an opening circle: everyone gathers at a specified time near the beginning of the party (so everyone has to be on time!); they form a circle and then go around briefly introducing themselves and saying a bit about what they might be interested in. Alternatively, you can do something like the "Wall of Fame" that we have at our parties: in a corner, set up some way to let people take their own pictures (we use a Mac with Photobooth running) if they want to; have people print off their picture; they write their name for the night and what they're interested in on the print-out, then tape it to the wall. I've also seen "note boards" where people can write or tack up messages over the course of the night. Another option is a "Fantasy Fairy" who people can go to to confess their deepest desires and potentially get hooked up.


• Consider whether you want to limit when people can arrive ("Doors open at 7 and close at 9"). Some hosts do this so that they don't have to worry about the door opening & closing as much when naked people might be running around, and also so that they can have their own fun without having to be on call to greet newcomers.


• Consider pairing up with others to co-host. Got the space but not the guest list? Co-host with someone who knows a bunch of kinky people but doesn't have space!

That's all I can think of for now. Any additions? Questions?

Edit: I realized shortly after I posted this that I forgot to go over setting rules and expectations. So, under the cut, rules and expectations:

The sources for this section are these sample rules from SAS/M and my own party rules. I'll state a rule and then, if needed, put in italics the editorial notes on how that rule might vary. I've left off the more restrictive SAS/M rules that only apply to parties taking place in semi-public places (rented bars and so on).

It's a good idea to include the rules in your invite and also to print them out and post them near the entrance, and perhaps a few other places as well, such as the main social space.

• This is a private event. Do not mention it or pass the invite along to anyone without first checking with the host(s).


• You must read and agree to abide by these rules


• Do not make assumptions. Negotiate all scenes. Do not assume that the presence of someone at this party means they are available. Do not involve yourself in a scene without an invitation.


• Never touch anyone, their equipment, or belongings without permission.


• Privacy and discretion are to be respected. All information about party activities, attendees, etc. is to be considered confidential. Do not bring cameras or other recording devices.
  
  I've seen some parties that have a designated photography area; if you want to have that, make sure it is clearly signed and separate from the other party areas.


• Play sober. Do not bring alcohol or recreational drugs to the party.
  
  Intoxication is considered a big no-no because it impairs your ability to negotiate wisely and also to play physically. However, there seems to be a generational shift where younger crowds are more accepting of alcohol or other intoxicants at play/sex parties. This makes some of us oldsters clutch our pearls in horror ;-) -- but on the other hand, I haven't heard of anything horrible happening as a result of light intoxication.


• Please agree on safe words for scenes. "Red" will be a default safe word. Another commonly used party-wide safeword is "safeword".


• Respect scenes. Limit conversation in the play area. Don't crowd the play areas.


• Respect the playspace. Clean up after messy scenes. Use a drop cloth when waxing. No scat or water sports [aka feces and urine play]. Check with the host(s) before any fireplay (waxing, cupping, flash paper, etc.), piercing, or bloodsports.
  
  Many parties limit or disallow entirely scenes that create extra mess, such as those mentioned above. You may want to restrict scenes involving needles (aka "sharps") because they often lead to some blood being drawn and the needles requires special disposal in a sharps container, which you may not want to bother with.


• Please do not get bodily fluids on furniture, beds, floor, ceilings, or people without permission.  Use the provided towels and sheets. Should you get fluids where they do not belong, please use the available cleaning supplies to appropriately remove, clean, and disinfect.


• We don't have any specific barrier requirements for sexual activity at the party. We do request that you be mindful and not share fluids with anyone who hasn't agreed to share them with you. Remember to wash your hands and rinse out your mouth after any encounters and before touching or kissing anyone else, or touching the food.
  
  You may want to set more restrictive requirements.


• The host(s) have the final word on everything including the right to stop an unsafe or abusive scene.