Twilight Covening report
My TC experience this year was strictly "enh", which I think was half my fault and half the fault of my clan leaders.
Starting around my birthday (August 1), which only a couple of people remembered*, I've been in this weird place of feeling bitter, sad, and withdrawn, and yet also craving connection. I suppose that's what I should have tried to leave in the releasing fire. At the time, there was something else that I felt was more in need of burning. Plus I'm not sure I could have gotten rid of that state, anyway.
I was hoping that TC would provide an opportunity to set that aside and feel "plugged in" for a weekend. Instead, it turned out that half of the clan of ten (or twelve if you counted the two apprentice leaders) was made up of people who were close friends of the clan leaders and each other (and also all under 25...or in some cases 20...which didn't help). They all sat together at one end of the clan table and were very chummy all weekend. The clan leaders also seemed to favour them in small ways that added up to make me feel excluded and forgotten. I don't think I was alone in this; although no one said anything directly, at the end of the weekend we did an exercise in which we told each clan member, in turn, something positive we had noticed in them or something we were grateful for -- and there were a number of comments from the "out-group" to members of the "in-group" about how they'd felt excluded and that that person had made them feel more welcome. So, I dunno, maybe I was the only one left at the end of the weekend that still felt like part of the out-group.
Granted, I was not in the most open place I could have been; but I still think the leaders could have done more to create a more cohesive group. Like, for instance, not sitting with the same people every meal-time.
On a side note, I have to say, a lot of people are of the opinion that the clan leaders, Moira and Duncan, are All That, and after this weekend...I'm not. Again, maybe I wasn't open enough; it's possible I could have taken a clan with T. Thorn Coyle herself this weekend and still thought, "I don't get what the big deal is."
The other big thing that fed into the crankiness: I knew going in to the weekend that I'd be doing a lot of work. What I didn't know was that I wouldn't be allowed a lot of sleep. The first night we worked the Releasing Fire. Bedtime: 1 a.m. On Saturday it was announced during the day that we'd be going on a solo hike through the woods starting around 12:30 a.m. The route took us about an hour to do -- during the day. When the time came, mercifully, the leaders cut the route down, but bedtime was still close to 2. Sunday we worked our asses off all day with very little time for food and none for napping. Fortunately, the ritual ended fairly early, so I think we were in bed by midnight.
When it comes to sleep dep, I am a mean drunk. That is the number one route to a Rowan snit (you know, just in case anyone reading this is interested in seeing one). Plus, it annoyed me that the leaders kept emphasizing the importance of self-care when you're working to support others, and yet the planning of the clan work didn't allow us to do almost any self-care. I was particularly pissed off on Saturday night; all day, we'd been promised an hour between the end of the trance dance and the start of the hike to do whatever we needed to for ourselves. When the time came, Duncan chose to end the trance dance half an hour late, giving us barely enough time to go to our cabin, get the stuff needed to survive a night hike in freezing temperatures, and make our way to the meeting point.
I mentioned above that the final exercise of the clan is to turn things around and give to the habitual givers. Each member of the clan takes a turn sitting in the center, and the other clan members come forward to offer them a bit of food and say something positive they learned about them that weekend. The ceremonial Puffs were kept handy and needed often. People got lots of comments about their fantastic energy and how grateful the speaker had been that they'd been in the clan together because they were so instrumental in the speaker's experience, and so on. I was pretty sure I'd be well safe from needing a tissue, and I was right; when my turn came, I only got four comments, and two of those were the required ones from the clan leader and assistant leader. None of them were about how lovely it was to have me there or what a great person I am. Like I said above, at least half my fault, I know, but it certainly wasn't the end to my weekend that I'd been hoping for. It was, however, consistent. I kinda felt like taking my Crow shirt and scrawling, "I did Crow clan and all I got was this lousy sweatshirt" on it.
So that was my Twilight Covening. To be honest, I'm not sure I'll go back...we'll see where I am in a year. If I do go, I think I'd like to be in one of the musical clans; either Monkey (drumming) or Screech Owl (singing). Any comments from people who've taken those as to what they're like would be most welcome. (In particular, for Monkey, do I need to own a drum or have any drumming experience?)
*You know what's harsh? Getting a happy belated birthday card from your mother [insert "your mom" joke here]. I suppose I should try to look on the bright side -- it's the first time in years that she's remembered to send anything at all. Usually my present is her saying, "Oh, hey, your birthday was a few months ago! I totally forgot to get you a gift!".