sigh...
It has been difficult to decide what or how I was going to write my first post on this site. After much contemplation, I decided the only way to do this is to be real from the beginning. I am feeling disappointed, sad, maybe even depressed. I am actually angry at myself for allowing other people (especially men) to cause me to feel bad about myself. But in order to be totally honest with myself, I have to be open, raw, and vulnerable to that reality...that I still let how others treat me or how they value me, affect my own self image. I still crave validation...in just about all my relationships, friends, family, etc. It is like I KNOW I shouldn't let it get to me, but it still does. I have recently been in communication with an ex boyfriend who from the get-go proved himself to be wishy-washy at best. Yet I let him talk to me, let him tell me he loved me and missed me, etc etc. I didn't take it to heart but when I decided to test him, and suggest he put his actions on the same level as his words, he did a total turn around and said oh, I can't commit to a relationship. Keep in mind, I didn't have my heart set on him or the results of his actions. But I still felt dismissed. I still felt like I wasn't enough. And I'm still angry at my own feelings because I feel like I should know better. Yet, in all honesty..it still hurt.
I made a new friend recently, and we get along great. We have great conversations and we have fun (not sexual). Although at this time, I don't 'feel' any romantic feelings for this man, I still find myself measuring my value on his actions and words towards or about me.(sigh) On more than one occasion, he has said to me that he isn't looking for a girlfriend, he's just interested in making friends. I don't need to be hit by a bus to understand he is telling me he is not interested in me romantically. Sometimes a man thinks he is dropping it to me gently by stating this clearly to me on more than one occassion. But in reality, it still stings like a dagger to the heart. I'm not going to lie. Not here. I am not even saying I necessarily want him to be interested in me. But geez...it still feels like rejection...just in a pretty wrapping, dealt to me with a smile and *hugs* Grr..
These are just a few of many situations I have experienced in my life as a divorced fat woman. I'm not going to sugar coat it with BBW, Plus Size, Chubby...just going to say it as it is...fat. I don't hate myself. I am a sweet person. I'm fairly level headed and open minded. I have a career and I am raising my 2 teenage daughters by myself. I am not ashamed of the strong wonderful woman I know that I am. I am just frustrated that I find myself still seeking reassurance and/or validation from men.
And, since I'm being honest here. I'm lonely. I hate sleeping alone. I hate Saturday and Sunday evenings when the house is quiet and I either have to find things to do to keep myself busy or I find myself sitting in front of my computer searching for my 'true love' til I finally give up and go to bed. Alone. :(