Mega Man: Powered Up?
More like Iceman: Fuck You!
I played the original Mega Man. A lot. It was one of the first NES games I ever owned, and I remember thinking it was pretty unforgiving back in the day. One of the most memorable danger zones of many controller-throwing moments was the part after the appearing/disappearing blocks in Iceman's stage, where you had to cross a giant, gaping chasm using these fucking platforms with eyes that fucking shoot from their ears.
<-- these motherfuckers.
These MOTHER FUCKERS.
Here is an excerpt from the US Mega Man 1 manual, as illustrated by a retarded boy with a pen shoved three inches deep into his asshole:
So they're called Foot Holders. Wow.
OK, so you're thinking "Hey faggot, how hard can that shit be? Take the dick out of your mouth and get it done."
"Fuck you," I'd say before you even spoke a word, actively reading your mind. "Fuck you and fuck Keiji Inefune or whatever that fucker's name is for shitting this flaming turd onto an otherwise fantastic game." Then I'd tell you all about these fucking Foot Holders as you slowly black out from being repeatedly bludgeoned about the face and neck with a Nintendo controller.
How can I even find the right words to express my pure, distilled hatred towards these abominations of game design?
First off, they don't even hold your fucking feet half the time. I've often jumped at them, feet landing firmly on their flat tops, the part that should allegedly "hold" them, only to see Mega Man cringe as I drop THROUGH the top of the enemy into it's somehow damaging googly eyes, then continuing to ride that fall into nothingness.
Now, say, by some miracle of design you land on that asshole robot and it holds you. Fucking success, right? NO. The fucking platform does whatever the fuck it wants. It's advanced cockbiting douchebag AI makes it fly as low as it can possibly go, while his buddy next to him flies up as high as it can. Ha ha, Megaman! Just try to get up here! Sometimes they stay like that forever, moving back and forth, googly eyes ecstatically flitting about in blissful defiance until you have to commit suicide. It's like they really were made by Dr. Wily, and he wasn't a fucking idiot. They're like, his crowning achievement. If I were Dr. Wily I'd set up a camera pointing right at this part of Iceman stage and jerk off while I watch Megaman die over and over again.
OK, so say you actually land on the platform. Say it actually flies towards it's neighbor in a manner that would allow you to jump over to it. Success? NO. Don't forget they shoot. Their weak-ass bullets would normally not be a threat, but factor in that you a) get knocked back 20 feet every time you're hit and that b) getting hit sometimes means you will fall through the fucking platform like it wasn't even there, and all of a sudden your Nintendo flies out the window.
So whatever, you keep trying until everything lines up just right and you make it past the first three of these guys. Your reward is a tiny platform to stand on and three more of these fuckers laughing in your goddamned face. Then you jump at one and a flying fucking penguin flies at you and YOU DIE. Really? This needed the fucking penguins, too?
I think people forget how video games were made in the early Nintendo days. Game testers were so good at playing these shitty games that they would piss developers off with their sunglasses and leather jackets, their cocky grins and easy smiles, and would then punch out from work and fuck the developers' girlfriends. The developers would in turn think up torturous, horrible levels to get those smarmy fuck testers back and would eventually come to discover that they could now only achieve erections by watching a room full of testers cry and commit suicide, which really explains a lot of early NES games.
Anyway, my point was that these platforms are back in Mega Man: Powered Up, and while they're not nearly as glitchy as they used to be, they still suck royal dick.
PS - They should just rename Geometry Wars to Fuck You, because that's the message I think the developers were trying to convey to me every time I die. Also, it should call you names every time you die and make that fucking Duck Hunt dog jump out and laugh at you.
I played the original Mega Man. A lot. It was one of the first NES games I ever owned, and I remember thinking it was pretty unforgiving back in the day. One of the most memorable danger zones of many controller-throwing moments was the part after the appearing/disappearing blocks in Iceman's stage, where you had to cross a giant, gaping chasm using these fucking platforms with eyes that fucking shoot from their ears.
<-- these motherfuckers.
These MOTHER FUCKERS.
Here is an excerpt from the US Mega Man 1 manual, as illustrated by a retarded boy with a pen shoved three inches deep into his asshole:
So they're called Foot Holders. Wow.
OK, so you're thinking "Hey faggot, how hard can that shit be? Take the dick out of your mouth and get it done."
"Fuck you," I'd say before you even spoke a word, actively reading your mind. "Fuck you and fuck Keiji Inefune or whatever that fucker's name is for shitting this flaming turd onto an otherwise fantastic game." Then I'd tell you all about these fucking Foot Holders as you slowly black out from being repeatedly bludgeoned about the face and neck with a Nintendo controller.
How can I even find the right words to express my pure, distilled hatred towards these abominations of game design?
First off, they don't even hold your fucking feet half the time. I've often jumped at them, feet landing firmly on their flat tops, the part that should allegedly "hold" them, only to see Mega Man cringe as I drop THROUGH the top of the enemy into it's somehow damaging googly eyes, then continuing to ride that fall into nothingness.
Now, say, by some miracle of design you land on that asshole robot and it holds you. Fucking success, right? NO. The fucking platform does whatever the fuck it wants. It's advanced cockbiting douchebag AI makes it fly as low as it can possibly go, while his buddy next to him flies up as high as it can. Ha ha, Megaman! Just try to get up here! Sometimes they stay like that forever, moving back and forth, googly eyes ecstatically flitting about in blissful defiance until you have to commit suicide. It's like they really were made by Dr. Wily, and he wasn't a fucking idiot. They're like, his crowning achievement. If I were Dr. Wily I'd set up a camera pointing right at this part of Iceman stage and jerk off while I watch Megaman die over and over again.
OK, so say you actually land on the platform. Say it actually flies towards it's neighbor in a manner that would allow you to jump over to it. Success? NO. Don't forget they shoot. Their weak-ass bullets would normally not be a threat, but factor in that you a) get knocked back 20 feet every time you're hit and that b) getting hit sometimes means you will fall through the fucking platform like it wasn't even there, and all of a sudden your Nintendo flies out the window.
So whatever, you keep trying until everything lines up just right and you make it past the first three of these guys. Your reward is a tiny platform to stand on and three more of these fuckers laughing in your goddamned face. Then you jump at one and a flying fucking penguin flies at you and YOU DIE. Really? This needed the fucking penguins, too?
I think people forget how video games were made in the early Nintendo days. Game testers were so good at playing these shitty games that they would piss developers off with their sunglasses and leather jackets, their cocky grins and easy smiles, and would then punch out from work and fuck the developers' girlfriends. The developers would in turn think up torturous, horrible levels to get those smarmy fuck testers back and would eventually come to discover that they could now only achieve erections by watching a room full of testers cry and commit suicide, which really explains a lot of early NES games.
Anyway, my point was that these platforms are back in Mega Man: Powered Up, and while they're not nearly as glitchy as they used to be, they still suck royal dick.
PS - They should just rename Geometry Wars to Fuck You, because that's the message I think the developers were trying to convey to me every time I die. Also, it should call you names every time you die and make that fucking Duck Hunt dog jump out and laugh at you.