One Week
So it has been over a year since me and Ray were last together. He broke up with me the day before Valentines Day last year. I held off on us being together because I thought that maybe we just weren't meant to be. I love him and he loves me but as we have both found out....love is not enough.
In our relationship, we have found only one BIG issue that always held us back. The choice of children. You see I always wanted to adopt and thats it. He wants to have kids. I know it doesn't sound serious but it is.
It wouldn't have been an issue if I didn't see us together forever but you see I do. Its like when I look into my future I see him. I see us together. I have NEVER seen that with anyone. Hoped but never saw. I'm 23, still young, but old enough to be looking for that one and only. Old enough to be with my "Always and Forever". He was it.
Or atleast I thought so....
You see in relationships, there are arguments, and bickering, and disagreements, no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect. We had that......all of that and it was still.....perfect for us.
So in my last entry, I said we got back together.
I BROKE UP WITH HIM TONIGHT
Why do you ask, because we had that children discussion again. I am about to make an appointment with a doctor and get an IUD put in my uterus. So that is birth control for 5 years. No kids and after those five years I plan to get another one put in, because by then, I will have my adopted kids.
He wants to have kids. He said that no one will take that away from him. He wants a family. I said I was trying to give him that and he said its not the same.
He is not against adoption, he is welcome to the idea but he said it will still be something missing from him and he will not be truly happy. He said he would look at his sister and brother and there kids and feel like he is missing out on something.
I asked was that something a child with his DNA, his facial features. He said it just not the same. He would love and treat an adoptive just like his but its not the same as going through the experience and having a family of his own.
I said its just not the same to him because of blood. He said thats not it. I told him he isn't the one who has to be pregnant and go through that and be in hours upon hours of labor, who has to have bodily changes. So he wants to go through that experience of me being absolutely miserable for 9 months when I can adopt and be just as happy so he can say he has a child. I don't understand that. He said I'm not going to stop him from having a family but I'm giving him a family. I can see if I said I didn't want kids PERIOD. Then that would be me not giving him a family.
I said whats the point of us doing this now for that to be the outcome. This was our only issue before and its still an issue. When I was pregnant and had that miscarriage last month, he was so worried about me, he told me he didn't care about me having a baby, he wanted to be with me forever. I'm sure he doesn't remember that now. I went through so much during that whole month and that miscarriage that I just feel cold towards pregnancy. I just know I could love a child that I didn't bear that exact same way. I would be so in love with my baby that facial features and blood wouldn't matter because its about more than that.
I wish I could feel like going through a pregnancy would be such a blessing to me and be in hours of pain would be great but I don't. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. Nothing. For those women who can and did do it, I respect you, you have a stength in you I wasn't born with unfortunately.
He said that if I was incapable of having kids then it would be ok but since I have a choice and my choice is no, then thats not ok for him.
I'm not mad at him, I'm not. We both want what we want but it just can't be together. I love him like I've never loved anyone and I don't want to stop but I don't want to extend our pleasure so the pain can be even worse. I don't want anyone but him. I don't want to be with no one. I don't want him to be with anyone else.
It sounds and really is the logical thing to do but my heart is hurting right now and it won't stop any time soon. I can't stop crying, I can't stop thinking I made the wrong choice. This past week has been great, being back together, it has just been wonderful. Then I just thought about the kid issue since I was planning on getting the 5 year birth control.
I just......night!
In our relationship, we have found only one BIG issue that always held us back. The choice of children. You see I always wanted to adopt and thats it. He wants to have kids. I know it doesn't sound serious but it is.
It wouldn't have been an issue if I didn't see us together forever but you see I do. Its like when I look into my future I see him. I see us together. I have NEVER seen that with anyone. Hoped but never saw. I'm 23, still young, but old enough to be looking for that one and only. Old enough to be with my "Always and Forever". He was it.
Or atleast I thought so....
You see in relationships, there are arguments, and bickering, and disagreements, no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect. We had that......all of that and it was still.....perfect for us.
So in my last entry, I said we got back together.
I BROKE UP WITH HIM TONIGHT
Why do you ask, because we had that children discussion again. I am about to make an appointment with a doctor and get an IUD put in my uterus. So that is birth control for 5 years. No kids and after those five years I plan to get another one put in, because by then, I will have my adopted kids.
He wants to have kids. He said that no one will take that away from him. He wants a family. I said I was trying to give him that and he said its not the same.
He is not against adoption, he is welcome to the idea but he said it will still be something missing from him and he will not be truly happy. He said he would look at his sister and brother and there kids and feel like he is missing out on something.
I asked was that something a child with his DNA, his facial features. He said it just not the same. He would love and treat an adoptive just like his but its not the same as going through the experience and having a family of his own.
I said its just not the same to him because of blood. He said thats not it. I told him he isn't the one who has to be pregnant and go through that and be in hours upon hours of labor, who has to have bodily changes. So he wants to go through that experience of me being absolutely miserable for 9 months when I can adopt and be just as happy so he can say he has a child. I don't understand that. He said I'm not going to stop him from having a family but I'm giving him a family. I can see if I said I didn't want kids PERIOD. Then that would be me not giving him a family.
I said whats the point of us doing this now for that to be the outcome. This was our only issue before and its still an issue. When I was pregnant and had that miscarriage last month, he was so worried about me, he told me he didn't care about me having a baby, he wanted to be with me forever. I'm sure he doesn't remember that now. I went through so much during that whole month and that miscarriage that I just feel cold towards pregnancy. I just know I could love a child that I didn't bear that exact same way. I would be so in love with my baby that facial features and blood wouldn't matter because its about more than that.
I wish I could feel like going through a pregnancy would be such a blessing to me and be in hours of pain would be great but I don't. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. Nothing. For those women who can and did do it, I respect you, you have a stength in you I wasn't born with unfortunately.
He said that if I was incapable of having kids then it would be ok but since I have a choice and my choice is no, then thats not ok for him.
I'm not mad at him, I'm not. We both want what we want but it just can't be together. I love him like I've never loved anyone and I don't want to stop but I don't want to extend our pleasure so the pain can be even worse. I don't want anyone but him. I don't want to be with no one. I don't want him to be with anyone else.
It sounds and really is the logical thing to do but my heart is hurting right now and it won't stop any time soon. I can't stop crying, I can't stop thinking I made the wrong choice. This past week has been great, being back together, it has just been wonderful. Then I just thought about the kid issue since I was planning on getting the 5 year birth control.
I just......night!