This past year...
Though I don't often share it, I reflect often on the past. Most especially this past year. Today is a very important day to me in ways that this Holiday never was before. I seem to have this urgent drive to do something today, even if I am currently stuck at work. I am flooded with memories that I'd rather not reflect too much on. Not that I am trying to avoid them. Really it’s just a desire not to dwell too much on the past.
A year ago today I spent the entire day with someone very special to me. This person is of course gone from me now, and the anniversary of his departure is fast to approach as well. Yet another day that I'm not to sure how I will react. However, it is surprising to me that is has already been a year. A year ago this very moment I was in an entirely different place. I had a different boyfriend, I lived in a different home, and my entire world was completely different. Most of these things I do not miss. A few of them though, I ache with longing. This confuses me though, because I feel two ways at once. So many times people tell me my actions or my words confuse them. Well I wish to goodness that I could explain to them that they aren’t the only ones. I confuse myself. I am not ungrateful for what I currently have in my life. On the contrary I have very rarely been happier. But at the same time a small portion of my heart hurts and I find myself withdrawing and just wanting to cry.
The other day I made a comment about missing Rishi and wanting him to visit. I said this in front of Roberto. I realize this might not have been the most tactful thing to say. Roberto's reaction was basically what is to be expected in such a delicate situation. However, I still defend my right to feel the way I do. However much it confuses me to feel this way, I still know that I have a right to my emotions. So Roberto and I discussed it for a few minutes. There was no anger, no hostility or unkind words exchanged. I basically explained quietly to him that I could not help the way I felt. That Rishi was more than just my lover but a very dear friend and that missing him was something I could not help. It is not surprising that in the past week or so I have thought of him more often than I did even a month ago. It is not surprising because a year ago today I spent the Holiday with him. It is not surprising because on the 10th, it will have been exactly a year since he left me. But still I try and figure out how it is possible for someone to feel two ways at the same time. This is not the first time I have experienced this but possibly the first time that it has this strongly confused me. Part of me wishes desperately that I could just forget Rishi like I have with so many other past “lovers”. The part of me that wishes this wants this because I do love Roberto so much and I feel guilty because I know that he can’t forget it either. It doesn’t matter that he never mentions it. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t express any behavior that would indicate any ill will. I just know that he does not forget that before he met me I had loved another and that I will always harbor a special kind of love for that man in my heart. But the other part of me clings desperately to these memories because I gained so much from them. The idea of never having had Rishi in my life causes me enough pain to want to kill me. Even though I know what once was, is gone and can never be regained, I still refuse to believe that I would be “better off” without this experience. At the same time, I admire Roberto so much. Mostly because he accepts the terms of our relationship and has since the very beginning. Since day one he knew completely about Rishi because I refused to be unfair to him by not explaining what had passed. But he was willing to accept that about me even though I know that most men would not be able to be with a woman who was still in love with another man. Most people couldn’t accept these terms from a would be lover. In this way, and many others, he shows me how much he loves me. I can’t help but respect that.
I have never been one to believe in “fate” so to speak. Or “destiny” either. I have always been one to believe that our lives will mostly be what we make of them and we have far more control over what transpires than most people care to accept. However, I had believed for a long time that all of us had “match” so to speak. The proverbial soul mate. I further believe that Rishi was that person for me. But I lost him. So I have come to see a side of life that I didn't know existed. A harsh reality that yes we all have soul mates, but we may not 1.) Meet that person in our lifetime or 2.) Spend the rest of our lives with that person. So this being said I realize that I have no choice but to move on. Now I have new love in my life. But the one question I ask myself is this “Is it really possible to love again?” Sometimes I am afraid. I worry that I will hurt this man who loves me so dearly. This man who respects me and trusts me more than he does anyone else. I worry to pain because the last thing I would want to do is hurt him because I made a grave error in judgement. I couldn’t stand to inflict upon him the kind of pain I experienced when Rishi boarded a plain almost one year ago today and exited my life forever. No person deserves that. All I can do is have faith in myself that I am making the right decisions and that I am truly following my heart.
Life will never be easy. I realize this now more than I ever did. Life will always be a challenge as well as an adventure. Like I always have I continue to hold on tight for the ride and pray I don’t fall. If I do, then I shall do what I always have done. Pick myself up and grab back on. I guess this is all any of us can do. Hold tight and pray that everything will turn out for the best no matter how bad things may get.
A year ago today I spent the entire day with someone very special to me. This person is of course gone from me now, and the anniversary of his departure is fast to approach as well. Yet another day that I'm not to sure how I will react. However, it is surprising to me that is has already been a year. A year ago this very moment I was in an entirely different place. I had a different boyfriend, I lived in a different home, and my entire world was completely different. Most of these things I do not miss. A few of them though, I ache with longing. This confuses me though, because I feel two ways at once. So many times people tell me my actions or my words confuse them. Well I wish to goodness that I could explain to them that they aren’t the only ones. I confuse myself. I am not ungrateful for what I currently have in my life. On the contrary I have very rarely been happier. But at the same time a small portion of my heart hurts and I find myself withdrawing and just wanting to cry.
The other day I made a comment about missing Rishi and wanting him to visit. I said this in front of Roberto. I realize this might not have been the most tactful thing to say. Roberto's reaction was basically what is to be expected in such a delicate situation. However, I still defend my right to feel the way I do. However much it confuses me to feel this way, I still know that I have a right to my emotions. So Roberto and I discussed it for a few minutes. There was no anger, no hostility or unkind words exchanged. I basically explained quietly to him that I could not help the way I felt. That Rishi was more than just my lover but a very dear friend and that missing him was something I could not help. It is not surprising that in the past week or so I have thought of him more often than I did even a month ago. It is not surprising because a year ago today I spent the Holiday with him. It is not surprising because on the 10th, it will have been exactly a year since he left me. But still I try and figure out how it is possible for someone to feel two ways at the same time. This is not the first time I have experienced this but possibly the first time that it has this strongly confused me. Part of me wishes desperately that I could just forget Rishi like I have with so many other past “lovers”. The part of me that wishes this wants this because I do love Roberto so much and I feel guilty because I know that he can’t forget it either. It doesn’t matter that he never mentions it. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t express any behavior that would indicate any ill will. I just know that he does not forget that before he met me I had loved another and that I will always harbor a special kind of love for that man in my heart. But the other part of me clings desperately to these memories because I gained so much from them. The idea of never having had Rishi in my life causes me enough pain to want to kill me. Even though I know what once was, is gone and can never be regained, I still refuse to believe that I would be “better off” without this experience. At the same time, I admire Roberto so much. Mostly because he accepts the terms of our relationship and has since the very beginning. Since day one he knew completely about Rishi because I refused to be unfair to him by not explaining what had passed. But he was willing to accept that about me even though I know that most men would not be able to be with a woman who was still in love with another man. Most people couldn’t accept these terms from a would be lover. In this way, and many others, he shows me how much he loves me. I can’t help but respect that.
I have never been one to believe in “fate” so to speak. Or “destiny” either. I have always been one to believe that our lives will mostly be what we make of them and we have far more control over what transpires than most people care to accept. However, I had believed for a long time that all of us had “match” so to speak. The proverbial soul mate. I further believe that Rishi was that person for me. But I lost him. So I have come to see a side of life that I didn't know existed. A harsh reality that yes we all have soul mates, but we may not 1.) Meet that person in our lifetime or 2.) Spend the rest of our lives with that person. So this being said I realize that I have no choice but to move on. Now I have new love in my life. But the one question I ask myself is this “Is it really possible to love again?” Sometimes I am afraid. I worry that I will hurt this man who loves me so dearly. This man who respects me and trusts me more than he does anyone else. I worry to pain because the last thing I would want to do is hurt him because I made a grave error in judgement. I couldn’t stand to inflict upon him the kind of pain I experienced when Rishi boarded a plain almost one year ago today and exited my life forever. No person deserves that. All I can do is have faith in myself that I am making the right decisions and that I am truly following my heart.
Life will never be easy. I realize this now more than I ever did. Life will always be a challenge as well as an adventure. Like I always have I continue to hold on tight for the ride and pray I don’t fall. If I do, then I shall do what I always have done. Pick myself up and grab back on. I guess this is all any of us can do. Hold tight and pray that everything will turn out for the best no matter how bad things may get.