Journey to Redemption
Tonight he pushed me off the train ramp and left me for dead; the puddle consisting of stale beer, piss, rat feces and cigarette butts intermingled to form a welcome mat for the death trap that now housed my final breath.
Dehumanizing, selfish bastard; your savagery remains without parallel even as I lay here, watching a rat pick at the flesh you’d soiled and a heart that had been stilled by your hands. Only a coward would subject another to such degradation and use as a means to gain a clearer sense of self.
* * * * *
We made love inside the train, not paying any mind to the two lone passengers slumped over in the back. What do we care; we'll never see them again, you murmured. We made love through eight stops -- our passion building, our groans gaining speed, my hips working zealously to smother the fire caused by our burning desire. We were nearing our stop when you said those words to me; the explicitness of these words had a finality beyond all illusion.
You're nothing, you bitch, you groaned, right as you came. This statement wasn't coupled with an apology or even a look of doubt.
With every choice made there is an exclusion, and so I was.
You pulled out your flaccid dick, dripping certitude and exactness. Head, cocked; posture, erect; stance, firm -- you wiped away any hint of me and got up to zip up your pants. Without a glance, you started towards the doors.
The train doors opened. “Redemption Street,” the placard read. Strangely ironic. Silently I followed you, my aching heart searching and probing for acceptance, for redemption it knew not. The pained look on my face showed through to my weakness and this transparent find was the crux of your power over me.
I'm pregnant, with your child, I blurted out, my voice trailing off.
I don't want a child, you asserted, trying to hide your surprise.
Abortion is not an option for me, I begged.
I could see a dark cloud cast over your eyes as you grew silent, and cold.
You took a long drag from a newly lit cigarette, hanging your head down as if deep in thought. Then, without a moment's notice, you pushed me. You pushed me off the ramp with so much force, I wasn’t able to reach for anything to hold me in place.
And so I fell, free from the love that had bound me to you for the last ten months. This love was nothing but a by-product of the lies you'd threaded, with a loom made with the remnants of all of their hearts. They’d loved you, almost as much as I did, but “feelings and women are worthless, a waste of time and energy,” you’d once said, and so they were disposed of. We were all disposed of.
Unable to move, all I could do was watch as you walked away, my tear stained face getting colder as death grew nearer.
* * * * *
So here I am, my voice, trapped in desire; this burning yearning, unable to be extinguished; our memories, caught somewhere in time; the growth of our Love, stunted by your selfish needs;
my love for you, immortalized through my death.
As I close my eyes and take my final breath, the last words to reverberate inside of my hollow heart can only be --
How did I go wrong in loving you?