Insecurities beget Insecurities
Looking back, I've noticed a pattern in my life with regards to a few men. Okay, two men. (Not boyfriends but guys I'm getting to know.) I've realized that the more time progresses and depending on how real I think it's getting, I draw back and start combing through my flaws and insecurities. With a fine-toothed comb, at that. I start to secondguess myself and ask [myself] whether or not he will like me once he sees all of these flaws and insecurities. Then without even getting an answer (because I'd never ask -- I mean, how is he supposed to predict the future right?), I start to act silly. I grow distant. I push him away.
I don't mean to do it, really I don't. But sometimes, it's so much easier to accept that the guy is no longer in your life because you pushed him away than to admit it's because of your flaws and insecurities. (But of course you don't know if he'd run away from them either so you risk losing him because of your own fears.)
I understand this is all so wrong and I shouldn't think this way but that's how I've been conditioned. I can tell you right now if any woman out there told me what I've written here, I will tell her to stop pushing the brakes when the light's green and to just live day by day. Who knows what tomorrow will bring and that mystery should bring some excitement, not trepidation.
There are times this side won't show, other times it will. I guess it really depends on the guy. But I know deep inside that it shouldn't depend on the guy. That I should be stable enough to put those fears to rest and move on with my life. No strings, no chains, free from all castigating forces.
I should stop, really. I mean, what is the point? I may possibly push away something that may come to mean more to me than all other relationships combined. I don't know why I do this to myself when I know it's silly and pointless.
I had a horrible dream last night. The person in my dream was clearly not happy with me because I kept running away. And in the end, they couldn't take it any longer.
I think I need more time to grow.
On another note:
Ris I took your advice and used that cream from sephora (didn't buy --I got a sample, thank God) and it made me break out! You're so dead come 2 weeks. ;p
I don't mean to do it, really I don't. But sometimes, it's so much easier to accept that the guy is no longer in your life because you pushed him away than to admit it's because of your flaws and insecurities. (But of course you don't know if he'd run away from them either so you risk losing him because of your own fears.)
I understand this is all so wrong and I shouldn't think this way but that's how I've been conditioned. I can tell you right now if any woman out there told me what I've written here, I will tell her to stop pushing the brakes when the light's green and to just live day by day. Who knows what tomorrow will bring and that mystery should bring some excitement, not trepidation.
There are times this side won't show, other times it will. I guess it really depends on the guy. But I know deep inside that it shouldn't depend on the guy. That I should be stable enough to put those fears to rest and move on with my life. No strings, no chains, free from all castigating forces.
I should stop, really. I mean, what is the point? I may possibly push away something that may come to mean more to me than all other relationships combined. I don't know why I do this to myself when I know it's silly and pointless.
I had a horrible dream last night. The person in my dream was clearly not happy with me because I kept running away. And in the end, they couldn't take it any longer.
I think I need more time to grow.
On another note:
Ris I took your advice and used that cream from sephora (didn't buy --I got a sample, thank God) and it made me break out! You're so dead come 2 weeks. ;p