Fighting to be better than I am
A while ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. We were still mad about each other but he moved away and i hadn't seen him in over a year. We were fighting because a girl had come into his life, we missed each other, and talking wasn't enough anymore. We kept in contact though because after two years, he and I had become best friends and we didn't want to lose that.
I try. I try hard. Every few months, I'll break down and stop talking to him for a few days because memories of what we used to be kills me. But I keep going being supportive and a good friend.
As being a friend requires, I ask about the girl, someone he'd grown close to. He always maintained faithfulness when we were together and i don't doubt that. She had something for him though. We had some fights over her. There were a few times when I had to comfort him when he broke her heart because he was still with me and he was broken up about it. That's rather big of me I think. But a few days before we broke up (and as stupid as this sounds) I saw her myspace. His comments to her were filled with hearts and comments that i didn't think a boyfriend should be saying to anyone other than his girlfriend. And what killed me was that one of the things he said was something he said to me when we first made love. I was one of the lucky few who could look back at my first time without regret or disgust. I didn't want to forget because it was good. Then I see something I thought he would only say to me, being said to another girl.
He said that she was feeling down and that he said it to cheer her up. He was upset, almost angry that I would interpret it as I did. Then i explained to him when else he said those exact words, that exact line, and he apologized but it was too late. Now everytime I think about my first time, it's not as genuine, it's not as happy. I think about the words he said to comfort me and as horrible as it is to doubt his sincerity, I hear them as scripted lines badly delivered on a soap opera....
I tried to be the Perfect Ex. Best friend, so I was privy to his inner thoughts and his everyday life. He told me about everything and he told me about her. I was open and asked if he wanted to sleep with her. He said yes and I egged him on. (Biggest blunder in retrospect, i think). He asked if I'd be upset if I found out that he did and I hesitated but I still said no.
I didn't want to tell him "when i said "no" it was a lie" when I found out that he did... Well he didn't sleep with her persay but close enough. You know those stories you read when the girl feels "her heart drop from her chest to her feet"? It happens. It actually happens. I suddenly felt empty inside and I wanted to scream at him that he was an idiot if he really thought i was okay with hearing about the details about his rendezvous with this girl. I wanted to throw the phone across the room and see it shatter against the wall. I wanted to hear his voice rattling on about it as it flies across the 15 feet of space between rooms and then just grow quiet.
But I didn't. I forced a smile he couldn't see so that he'd hear it on my voice 1500 miles away. I teased him about the quality of his time with her and I grinned and I giggled. I laughed and said okay. I honestly told him I would brood after we hang up the phone but that I wouldn't be intolerable.
That was a lie too... or an omission of scale. I hung up the phone and felt my heart twist. How could I tell him that while he was beginning this affair, I was trying (and failing miserably) at attracting anyone of the opposite sex? How could I tell him that I'm far more intolerable than i promised myself and him that I would be?
So... I'm stuck on this position again. I sit and I listen. I talk and I egg on. I hang up the phone and I fight not to cry. And when it's all done, I'll tell him a fraction of what I spend typing on here. He won't understand or he'll say that he needs me and that he can't lose me. But I'll always crumble to his whims and I'll return. I'll think I could do better, be stronger, fight to be better than i am, but then in a few weeks time, a month or two at the most, i'll find myself fighting not to cry instead.
I try. I try hard. Every few months, I'll break down and stop talking to him for a few days because memories of what we used to be kills me. But I keep going being supportive and a good friend.
As being a friend requires, I ask about the girl, someone he'd grown close to. He always maintained faithfulness when we were together and i don't doubt that. She had something for him though. We had some fights over her. There were a few times when I had to comfort him when he broke her heart because he was still with me and he was broken up about it. That's rather big of me I think. But a few days before we broke up (and as stupid as this sounds) I saw her myspace. His comments to her were filled with hearts and comments that i didn't think a boyfriend should be saying to anyone other than his girlfriend. And what killed me was that one of the things he said was something he said to me when we first made love. I was one of the lucky few who could look back at my first time without regret or disgust. I didn't want to forget because it was good. Then I see something I thought he would only say to me, being said to another girl.
He said that she was feeling down and that he said it to cheer her up. He was upset, almost angry that I would interpret it as I did. Then i explained to him when else he said those exact words, that exact line, and he apologized but it was too late. Now everytime I think about my first time, it's not as genuine, it's not as happy. I think about the words he said to comfort me and as horrible as it is to doubt his sincerity, I hear them as scripted lines badly delivered on a soap opera....
I tried to be the Perfect Ex. Best friend, so I was privy to his inner thoughts and his everyday life. He told me about everything and he told me about her. I was open and asked if he wanted to sleep with her. He said yes and I egged him on. (Biggest blunder in retrospect, i think). He asked if I'd be upset if I found out that he did and I hesitated but I still said no.
I didn't want to tell him "when i said "no" it was a lie" when I found out that he did... Well he didn't sleep with her persay but close enough. You know those stories you read when the girl feels "her heart drop from her chest to her feet"? It happens. It actually happens. I suddenly felt empty inside and I wanted to scream at him that he was an idiot if he really thought i was okay with hearing about the details about his rendezvous with this girl. I wanted to throw the phone across the room and see it shatter against the wall. I wanted to hear his voice rattling on about it as it flies across the 15 feet of space between rooms and then just grow quiet.
But I didn't. I forced a smile he couldn't see so that he'd hear it on my voice 1500 miles away. I teased him about the quality of his time with her and I grinned and I giggled. I laughed and said okay. I honestly told him I would brood after we hang up the phone but that I wouldn't be intolerable.
That was a lie too... or an omission of scale. I hung up the phone and felt my heart twist. How could I tell him that while he was beginning this affair, I was trying (and failing miserably) at attracting anyone of the opposite sex? How could I tell him that I'm far more intolerable than i promised myself and him that I would be?
So... I'm stuck on this position again. I sit and I listen. I talk and I egg on. I hang up the phone and I fight not to cry. And when it's all done, I'll tell him a fraction of what I spend typing on here. He won't understand or he'll say that he needs me and that he can't lose me. But I'll always crumble to his whims and I'll return. I'll think I could do better, be stronger, fight to be better than i am, but then in a few weeks time, a month or two at the most, i'll find myself fighting not to cry instead.