Thinking
Last night I started thinking a lot. I told Steph that I realized how picky I am when it comes to guys and she said that's why it's interesting that a lot of the guys I've dated have had such crazy different personalities.
It made me really start to analyze my relationships.
Nick was my first real love. He and I did a lot of growing up together. For the first time in my life I felt beautiful because of the way someone treated me. He was movie-status romantic and we always always always had fun and went to parties together. We went through a lot of ups, and a lot of downs...but then as I got older I realized I couldn't 'compete' with the band for him. I needed to be with someone who could be there for me whenever I needed them and not have to worry about practice or them going to California to record or playing a show. I couldn't ask him to give that up - that was his dream...and he's still doing it and I couldn't be happier for him. But I couldn't ask him to make that decision...
Towards the end of that relationship I started feeling like he was using me for sex because that was basically all we did whenever we hung out. And he wouldn't drive over to my house anymore because it was 'too far' and that had never before been an issue. The whole me not being his actual girlfriend thing kind of took a toll, too, considering we had been seeing each other for like, 2 1/2 years or something. I needed to be with someone who could give me a more 'grown-up' relationship, someone who I felt more stability with.
Enter Si. Si was absolutely everything I needed. I can't even begin to explain how much I loved him...I didn't know that it was possible to love someone as much as I loved Si. He was literally my whole world. I really felt that I would spend the rest of my life with him, and that didn't scare me at all. He was like my family - and my family loved him so much, too. He helped me through so much, and showed me how to live on my own. He gave me confidence and strength when I thought I had nothing left. We did everything together, and he was always my rock. Our relationship was cheesy perfect...we never even argued. He was just my best friend and I couldn't see myself existing without him. He had goals and ambition and knew where he was going in life and he was so intelligent and he was someone I really looked up to.
And sometimes I'm so terrified that I'm never going to find that again.
So what happened with us? Well - sometime around August-ish I started feeling myself falling out of love with him, if you will. That scared me more than anything I've ever felt. I think it was just because of a whole bunch of little things that just started adding up. He talked shit about every single one of my friends. All of them. To the point that I felt stupid for being friends with them...and I lost touch with a lot of them because of it. He never wanted to do anything that I wanted to do. He would either immediately shoot down whatever idea I had, or say we would do that later, but we never would. Then, when I just stopped suggesting things all together, he got mad that I never said what I wanted to do. (Like I'm going to because I like feeling like a dumbass everytime I open my mouth, right?) He actually just kind of made me feel stupid a lot of the time, which is ridiculous because I'm very very intelligent. When I decided to back to KinderCare to work because I would be making a lot more money, he bitched at me for like, 3 weeks and said he never wanted to hear me complain about work because he didn't support me going back at all. He didn't support a lot of my ideas or the things I wanted to do.
I also started feeling like he wasn't interested in me at all anymore. The one night that stands out the most was when he was at a meeting for the State Press or whatever and I had been feeling like shit because I felt like my boyfriend wasn't even attracted to me and so I put on this really sexy underwear (nothing over-the-top lingerie or anything...just really sexy) and was all excited for him to come home and be all excited. He walked in, asked me why I was wearing that, and sat down to watch TV. Uhmmm...yeah. Talk about whatever confidence I had completely dropping down to zero.
That's why things didn't work out with us. Not because of any one of those things individually...because of a thousand different little things like that tearing away at me every single day. And yes, I did cheat on him, and no, it wasn't worth it. Yes, I did need to get out of that relationship and that was so the wrong way for me to go about doing it...but I think part of me needed him to hate me. I needed him to want me to move out and to never want to see me again, because if he had wanted me to stay...even just a little bit, I would've. I would have done anything for him even though he made me feel so small and inferior a lot of the time.
So that's what happened. I tried for months to fix whatever was wrong and wanted so badly to fall back in love with him...but I guess now it's better that I didn't.
I won't even talk about Matt - because that was a complete joke...he was so not the kind of person I date or the kind of person I could ever be happy with. It was a lot like how I would imagine dating a 16 year old girl would be. I'm just going to leave it at that.
I feel like things could've worked out with Scott and I, if he wasn't completely racist and homophobic. It wouldn't have really made a huge difference at this point in my life, except that being with him would have meant that I was compromising all of my beliefs and moral and ethical values and I could never have had kids with him, because we believe such polar opposite things, and I wouldn't allow his values to be instilled on my children. That's why I broke up with him. It sucks though, because I really was happy with him. Not just rebound happy - but really really happy.
So that's basically everything I was thinking about. Writing always makes me feel better about things. Hopefully, if you wondering,(assuming you read all of it) you have a better understanding of what happened with Si. I think about him every single day, still...but I know that it's better for me that I'm not with him.
Maybe a little more job hunting today. I applied at Uncle Charlie's yesterday - we'll see how that goes.
Hanging out with Mike tonight!! :) YAY! I'm excited...he's moving to Seattle on July 1st or something, so I'm glad I get to see him before he goes.
Tomorrow I get to see the little broseph and my dad and Theresa. Suns on Sunday.
w00t. Good weekend ahead. <3
It made me really start to analyze my relationships.
Nick was my first real love. He and I did a lot of growing up together. For the first time in my life I felt beautiful because of the way someone treated me. He was movie-status romantic and we always always always had fun and went to parties together. We went through a lot of ups, and a lot of downs...but then as I got older I realized I couldn't 'compete' with the band for him. I needed to be with someone who could be there for me whenever I needed them and not have to worry about practice or them going to California to record or playing a show. I couldn't ask him to give that up - that was his dream...and he's still doing it and I couldn't be happier for him. But I couldn't ask him to make that decision...
Towards the end of that relationship I started feeling like he was using me for sex because that was basically all we did whenever we hung out. And he wouldn't drive over to my house anymore because it was 'too far' and that had never before been an issue. The whole me not being his actual girlfriend thing kind of took a toll, too, considering we had been seeing each other for like, 2 1/2 years or something. I needed to be with someone who could give me a more 'grown-up' relationship, someone who I felt more stability with.
Enter Si. Si was absolutely everything I needed. I can't even begin to explain how much I loved him...I didn't know that it was possible to love someone as much as I loved Si. He was literally my whole world. I really felt that I would spend the rest of my life with him, and that didn't scare me at all. He was like my family - and my family loved him so much, too. He helped me through so much, and showed me how to live on my own. He gave me confidence and strength when I thought I had nothing left. We did everything together, and he was always my rock. Our relationship was cheesy perfect...we never even argued. He was just my best friend and I couldn't see myself existing without him. He had goals and ambition and knew where he was going in life and he was so intelligent and he was someone I really looked up to.
And sometimes I'm so terrified that I'm never going to find that again.
So what happened with us? Well - sometime around August-ish I started feeling myself falling out of love with him, if you will. That scared me more than anything I've ever felt. I think it was just because of a whole bunch of little things that just started adding up. He talked shit about every single one of my friends. All of them. To the point that I felt stupid for being friends with them...and I lost touch with a lot of them because of it. He never wanted to do anything that I wanted to do. He would either immediately shoot down whatever idea I had, or say we would do that later, but we never would. Then, when I just stopped suggesting things all together, he got mad that I never said what I wanted to do. (Like I'm going to because I like feeling like a dumbass everytime I open my mouth, right?) He actually just kind of made me feel stupid a lot of the time, which is ridiculous because I'm very very intelligent. When I decided to back to KinderCare to work because I would be making a lot more money, he bitched at me for like, 3 weeks and said he never wanted to hear me complain about work because he didn't support me going back at all. He didn't support a lot of my ideas or the things I wanted to do.
I also started feeling like he wasn't interested in me at all anymore. The one night that stands out the most was when he was at a meeting for the State Press or whatever and I had been feeling like shit because I felt like my boyfriend wasn't even attracted to me and so I put on this really sexy underwear (nothing over-the-top lingerie or anything...just really sexy) and was all excited for him to come home and be all excited. He walked in, asked me why I was wearing that, and sat down to watch TV. Uhmmm...yeah. Talk about whatever confidence I had completely dropping down to zero.
That's why things didn't work out with us. Not because of any one of those things individually...because of a thousand different little things like that tearing away at me every single day. And yes, I did cheat on him, and no, it wasn't worth it. Yes, I did need to get out of that relationship and that was so the wrong way for me to go about doing it...but I think part of me needed him to hate me. I needed him to want me to move out and to never want to see me again, because if he had wanted me to stay...even just a little bit, I would've. I would have done anything for him even though he made me feel so small and inferior a lot of the time.
So that's what happened. I tried for months to fix whatever was wrong and wanted so badly to fall back in love with him...but I guess now it's better that I didn't.
I won't even talk about Matt - because that was a complete joke...he was so not the kind of person I date or the kind of person I could ever be happy with. It was a lot like how I would imagine dating a 16 year old girl would be. I'm just going to leave it at that.
I feel like things could've worked out with Scott and I, if he wasn't completely racist and homophobic. It wouldn't have really made a huge difference at this point in my life, except that being with him would have meant that I was compromising all of my beliefs and moral and ethical values and I could never have had kids with him, because we believe such polar opposite things, and I wouldn't allow his values to be instilled on my children. That's why I broke up with him. It sucks though, because I really was happy with him. Not just rebound happy - but really really happy.
So that's basically everything I was thinking about. Writing always makes me feel better about things. Hopefully, if you wondering,(assuming you read all of it) you have a better understanding of what happened with Si. I think about him every single day, still...but I know that it's better for me that I'm not with him.
Maybe a little more job hunting today. I applied at Uncle Charlie's yesterday - we'll see how that goes.
Hanging out with Mike tonight!! :) YAY! I'm excited...he's moving to Seattle on July 1st or something, so I'm glad I get to see him before he goes.
Tomorrow I get to see the little broseph and my dad and Theresa. Suns on Sunday.
w00t. Good weekend ahead. <3