wHat Is WrOnG WitH Me?!
The lame things in life equal the funniest mishaps.
All of the sudden out of the blue I have returned to the state where I once dwelled. My entire existence was dependent on this solitude. What do I find now? Most definitely that it is concluding itself back to this. Everything is aggravating and I feel as though anything I go about doing is pointless. Where I end is what I am waiting for so I can begin something new. Things are a mess. When you are honest with a person and they don't know the background story, and they tell you they "don't agree with some of the things you said in it." , well it kind of brings me down. I was just trying to clarify that maybe I could use someone to talk to about a certain thing, since they were such a huge complication in my relation last year. Every feeling that is slowly inching it's way through my mind leads me to nothing but devastation. School is not my number one priority and I keep getting lectured about it. Even if I tried to be the best, I'd still be failing at life. The one's I thought were possibly going to get close to me seem too good to talk to me now...(Then I get hit in the eye/nose with Angela's arm... LUIS!) And now it seems as though I am forever sad. Anything that can ruin my "GooD" mood, does and makes me want to break in half and cry. Cry about a lot of things. I don't fit into this life anymore. What has happened to who I once was? Why has my life been so unfair to me? Why do I not know the things I should? Why can't I just leave, walk away from it all; the arguments, the degrading words that enter my ears, the strokes of pain that hit me like a thousand knives, and the feelings of self-doubt and self-insecurity? I will never really know all of the answers to those few questions that are so live changing. Why have I let myself slip away into a huge pile of yuck? No longer am I happy with what I have, with the things that may be "blessings" in my life? How can I all of the sudden just want to fall and NEVER get back up? why can't THINGS just work out and let me move on from all of the things I hate and all of the things that tourment my soul? I put such a huge effort into being me and being true to myself and being the good kid that I should be/ was raised to be...and I guess it is turning out to become a pile of shit on the ceiling. No acceptions to anyone. I am just not accepted...well by a SELECT few, but I used to be accepted by everyone; now I have become so diverse that I may be beginning to realize how much I have changed and I don't know if I am enjoying it. What is this? Is this even necessary? WHAT IS THIS LIFE! The things I'd like to put to rest I can't mainly because I am in love and I don't want to lose a person so meaningful over a devastation of a blinded heart. I would love to spend the rest of my life as happy as I am currently in this place, but as for now, I need to be me, despite how much and how long it has been, my heart is changing and I am not the same. ::crying:: I don't know what to do anymore about anything.
together, but apart,
no one can see this broken heart,
she hides it all way, in a music box.
the life she's leading is decieving
the happiness that everyone sees on the outside, exceeds what's really there.
the sunshine that once lit the sky and the eyes of her father, has drifted south.
the love she once had, has disappeared into thin air.
she thought she heard you behind her,
when she turned all she heard was a whisper.
the whisper of your hand pulling back her hair to kiss her neck.
startled and in a daze, she turns
turns to see the walls crumbling at her sides
where does she go from this island
how does she get there?
hidden in the deepest unwanted pitty puddle, light shades the earth,
and her heart is left to be diverse.
*↕-Mj-↕*