i dont know im just rambling
it's crazy how things come together. listening to peter talk about how these things just happen. freely destined. if that even makes sense. and really it does. oddly. it is quite strange to think about. yet amazing. it makes me just want to smile. simply smile. really it is simple. all of it. yet at the same time so complex. simple and complex. at the same time. these mysteries, hard to understand. still i like. i really like it. the fact that it's a mystery. you cant really take apart the pieces and try to understand it little by little. in the end it still is a mystery. and though i cant fully understand, it doesnt stop me from thinking about it. getting lost within. within any mystery. theyre all quite ridiculous and freaky and wonderful and terrible and joyful. all at once. that feeling you get, in your stomach. all these things. i hate it. and i love it. how can i get there. lost in the middle of chaos yet perfectly at peace. like im not really lost at all. like i stumble on the exact thing i was meaning to find with out realizing i was looking for it. then again maybe youre always looking for Him. maybe the reason it seems so silly to be lost in certainty is because you werent looking in the right place and the unlikely answer just happened. quietly. i make no sense. then again sometimes i think the most logical thing is really very ridiculous because it's so logical. and maybe we are constantly seeing things that way and that's exactly why we turn away. probably the most simple things are the hardest to hang on to cause you just feel like it cant be that easy, that simple, that logical. so you just leave it. and then when you see the same thing in a crazy unimaginable package that is so outrageous you want to believe but you dont cause all of the sudden it's too complicated and you think it should be simple. that's probably why we're so silly cause we dont know what we want. and when we find what we want we dont trust it enough to take it. silly is, i think, the only word to describe any of us. silly. sometimes i like things silly though. a lot of times i like things silly. i like just silly joys. i like when you can find apart of yourself that is like a child. the part of you that somehow, through all the corruption, it lives on. the fact that it's a pure joy is what makes it so lovely. sharing your joys with others is lovely. just sharing company with someone is lovely. one of my favorite things is being in good company. talking about anything or just being silent. just being in each other's company. being together. with good company, i feel safe. like the world is quiet. like a warm blanket is wrapped around me. like im untouchable. like im five years old and my moms wrapping me in a blanket saying im a tamale. i like that memory. cause i was this tiny kid that you could toss around. not like in a baseball way. like you can be picked up all the time. maybe closer to the age of three or four but even at five or six, still being tucked in bed. usually right beside justine. id always sleep in her bed. i remember if i ever got scared she would hold my hand. if i woke up in the middle of the night and she was asleep, i remember grabbing her hand and closing her fingers against mine trying to make her hold my hand. i wanted to know i wasnt alone. thats one thing that i didnt like, feeling alone. late at night when it's really quiet and youre mind is the only thing switched on, it feels like youre all alone. as a kid thats scary. or it was for me. weird. my sister turned twenty today january tenth. i love my sister. i really like that we call each other sister. i mean you call your parents mom and dad. you dont call them by their first names right? i only have one sister, so why not call her sister? so i do and she does. mom, dad, sister. it just makes sense. i think i will work tomorrow, early, so i can get off early and hopefully see friends. break is coming to a close soon. i need to see who ever i can before they leave again. and then summer will come. itll be strange then too. it's strange now. how things change and all. me and the family maybe most likely be moving to gilbert by like april may. thatll be strange. i guess i didnt realize how long we've been in the tuke. i like it here. it's home. but i guess ill still feel at home, mostly, where ever we go. ill still be with my parents and sister. itll be that way for awhile. which im grateful for. i dont need to move out, i dont really want to. ill do that when and if i get married. until then it's home sweet home. what ive aways known. not the house. but the home, the home that's my family. anyways. goodnight.