Love Like Winter - A Sequel, Chapters 1 - 10 (continues)
Love Like Winter
by Moni
first published on letsdisco.org
Sequel to My first Panic! fanfic: What Have I Done To Deserve This?
Rated: Mostly PG-13/R, with a couple of NC-17 chapters thrown in for good measure! ;)
Chapters 1 - 10
Chapter 1, "It's not as easy as willing it all to be right, gotta be more than hoping it's right"
Characters:
Erica (narrator)
Syd (Erica's Friend)
Ryan Ross (in flashback and on the phone)
Disclaimer: PG-13
Some background: Our heroine Erica from the P!ATD fanfic "What Have I Done To Deserve This?" is back. Ever a realist and pessimist, Erica has been dating Ryan Ross for a few months now. This chapter introduces the reader to what's been going on between Ryan and Erica so far in their relationship.
Current scene: Erica is in her mid-20s and is from Boston. She is out on the town with her friends to celebrate her birthday. They’ve already been to a couple of bars and are now at a dance club. Erica has been dancing the night away and seems to be having a great time. But, Erica’s got her man on the brain.
“That was some performance, Er!” Syd screams. “I wish I could dance half as good as you.”
“I’ve forgotten how much I love to do this,” I scream back, smiling, trying to catch my breath as I walk up to the bar from the dance floor. “Thanks for taking me here. This is amazing!”
Syd and some of our friends and I are at a dance club in Boston, celebrating my birthday. The energy in this place is awesome. The music is kick ass. I love losing control on the dance floor. After taking a sip of my drink, I reach in my purse for my cell and check for messages.
“Did he call?”
“No.” I reply, a little disappointed, but I try to shrug it off. “I don’t know, he’s probably busy. Maybe he’ll call later.”
“Yeah, later as in 3:00 am? I don’t know how you’re putting up with this s!&t. I mean, really, Er, you haven’t seen him in a month . Maybe its time you realize that your time is up?”
“You know, you’re the last person who should be giving me advice like that. So he hasn’t called me a lot. Big deal. I don’t need to hear his voice or see him to know that he cares.”
I feel like I should eat my words. To some extent, Syd is right. This relationship is based mostly on phone conversations and e-mails. Its hard for me at times, but in my heart, I know that this is what I want to do.
By ‘this’ I mean dating Ryan Ross. It was nearly four months ago we started dating and I’ve only seen him twice. He’s been on tour with his band, Panic! At The Disco. How did we meet? Well that’s another story (reader: see “What Have I Done To Deserve This?), but I’ll sum it up this way: it started in a bar, then continued with a drive in my car, a romp in an empty field, a party, a broken heart and then, a change of heart.
Ryan and I have spent some time together, but only a few days. With his hectic schedule and my own conflicts, its been hard to plan anything. I’ve been worried about this thing from the beginning. We decided to give this a chance and somehow, we’ve made it work. But what ‘it’ really IS is still a mystery. I call it dating instead of a real relationship, because that wouldn’t be fair. Maybe its me, not wanting to label it anything serious, so that if it ends tomorrow, it wouldn’t be too bad. I mean, I care for Ryan desperately, but I know that with every passing day, feelings can change.
The last time I saw him was in Cleveland about a month ago. He had a couple of days off and I flew in. It was wonderful, to say the least. Ryan was very attentive, like he was really trying to focus on us the whole time I was there, without getting distracted. We spent a lot of time in our room and walking around the city at night. It was actually the first time we got to talk about ‘us.’
FLASHBACK: Ryan and Erica in Cleveland a month ago.
“You know, I’m glad you’re here. I missed you like crazy.” Ryan says, putting his arms around me as we stand near the edge of the river.
“I missed you too. I’ll admit, Ryan, its been hard. I know it can’t be more than this right now. I knew that from the start. For a while, it was all I needed, to know that you cared about me. But then, being apart from you physically - I don’t know. Sometimes I feel unwanted, forgotten.”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry. You know, you’re so understanding most of the time, but its good that you can be honest with me about how you’re feeling. I know its not easy. But just know that I still care about you, that I want you in my life so badly.”
“I do know that,” I say to him and kiss his lips. “That’s why I’m here. I don’t want you to feel guilty. You’ve got a job to do. I only want you to know that I’m still here. That I still exist.”
He moves the long strands of my hair that are flying in my face, because of the wind. We kiss and everything feels perfect in that moment.
END OF FLASHBACK; RETURN TO THE PRESENT
“Well, Syd, I’m going to call it a night. See you tomorrow?”
“Are you okay, do you want me to come with?”
“No, I’m good. I”ll just get a cab. Bye!” I replly, giving her a hug.
Once outside, I wait on the curb and hold my hand out for a cab. One stops and I climb in the backseat. As we’re driving, I feel my phone vibrate. I look and its Ryan calling.
“Hi!”
“Happy Birthday,” he says in his casual, sexy voice. I’ve already told him a million times that I love the way he talks to me like that.
“Thanks. I’m glad you could call. How are you?”
We start talking about his next show tomorrow and what I did that night for my birthday. Our conversation is quite long and lasts up until I get out of the cab and go upstairs to my apartment.
“So, why don’t I let you go, Ryan. You sound exhausted and I’ve got work tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I guess. Hey, one more thing. I wanted to ask you if you wanted to go with me to an awards thing in New York. Some last minute thing the label has us going to. Its in a couple of weeks. Will you come?”
Let me just say that knowing Ryan only for a few months, I’ve learned that he’s no bullshitter. He wouldn’t ask me something like this for the hell of it. He wants me to be there.
“Yeah. When is it?” I ask, walking into my bedroom to grab a pad of paper and pen. He gives me whatever details he can and says he’ll e-mail me more information.
“Okay, so I’ll wait for your e-mail. Goodnight. Have sweet dreams all about me.”
“Always do.”
And then we hang up. I plop myself on my bed and lay there, staring at the ceiling.
“What the fuck am I going to wear to this thing?” I say to myself. I get up to go to the bathroom, when all of a sudden I feel a sharpe pain in my stomach and my lower legs suddenly become numb. I drop to my knees and scream.
“Oh my God!"
Chapter 2, "Spinning on that dizzy edge, I kissed her face and kissed her head, and dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her glow" [/b]
Characters:
ON TOUR BUS WITH BOYS OF PANIC!
Narrator (anonymous)
Ryan Ross
IN BOSTON
Syd (Erica's Friend)
Disclaimer: R
Scene: Ryan and the boys of Panic! At the Disco are getting ready to leave their latest gig in San Francisco. Everything's loaded and the boys are on the tour bus. Next stop: Seattle. It'll be a long night of driving. Ryan's been on the phone with Erica for a while and he just hung up with her.
The bus is quiet. Everyone's exhausted. It was another great show and the crowd was stellar. But the boys are still human and they've got to rest up for their next gig.
Everyone's already gotten in their bunks as Ryan lays down in his. He starts to think about Erica. Outside of the band, Erica has been another constant in his life. She's been so patient and understanding for these past few months. But Ryan's aware that his lifestyle has taken its toll.
He recalls his talk with Erica a month ago in Cleveland. She was honest with him about her feelings of lonliness and being forgotten. He vowed to himself that night that he wouldn't let her down again. But, the rules of the road are there are no rules and even the best of intentions can fall by the wayside. You can't plan for the unexpected. That's how he met Erica in the first place.
Having her around is comforting to him, but he knows its not fair to her. He's called her many times in the middle of the night. Sometimes that's the only time he has to himself. But she's always up for conversation, no matter what time it is. Its like she knows what he needs and doesn't push the issue too much. She's not obsessive. She's not overbearing. She's just Erica. A friend and a lover.
He can't really talk to his friends about it. That's just not what guys do. What he does is write about it and e-mails Erica often. Sometimes its just a quick "Hi from" where ever he is at the moment. Other times its all jumbled thoughts that go on for pages. But Erica's always told him that she loves it when he writes her, because she too expresses herself better in writing. So that's really how their long distance relationship has evolved.
He's learned a lot about her through her e-mails. What her passions are, her dreams. He likes that its not all about him. He still doesn't understand exactly what she does for a living, but its not easy to explain to someone outside of Erica's industry. Still, they've found some common ground, enough to keep their relationship going. Their tastes in music, their love of writing and reading. There's also so much between them that isn't spoken.
He's an excellent observer and has learned more about Erica through observation than through talking. The way she gets extremely quiet when she's sad or how she twists her hair with her finger when she's nervous. And her eyes. Erica's beautiful brown eyes. They were the first thing he noticed when they met. They speak volumes to him like no words can.
But he still can't help to wonder what it is Erica sees in him. Not every girl would accept this way of life. Its never crossed his mind that Erica was with him because of the band. No, she made it clear when they met that it was him she wanted, not the band.
Could she be in love with him? Ryan and Erica never actually said those words to each other. But as a great observer, he knows that her feelings are strong. Ryan's not the type of person to take those words lightly and has been careful. He's waiting for just the right time to let Erica know.
As he lays in his bunk tonight, nearly asleep, thinking of his girlfriend, all he can do is smile.
***
MEANWHILE, BACK IN BOSTON
"Erica?! Erica?! Are you there?! What happend?!" shouts Syd into the phone. Erica had just called Syd on her cell and said a few things, but then Erica wasn't responding anymore. Syd was still out at the club with her friends.
Erica told her she couldn't move and needed help.
Since Erica's phone couldn't hang up, Syd borrowed her friend's cell phone and called for an ambulance. She and her friends quickly left the dance club to get to Erica's apartment to meet the EMTs there.
Oh, God, I hope she's okay. What the fuck happend? Syd thought to herself as she frantically got outside and into a friend's car.
Chapter 3, "The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where the apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in."
Characters:
BOSTON:
Erica (narrator)
Syd
SEATTLE:
Spencer Smith
Jon Walker
Brendon Urie
Disclaimer: R
ERICA IS NARRATOR:
I"m in my hospital bed, lying on my side and facing the window. Fingers on my lips, I'm deep in thought. What am I going to do? I wonder to myself.
"Here we go," Syd says as she enters my room. She went to get coffee and donuts. Its now mid-morning.
"I'm not hungry I told you."
"Come on, Erica, eat something. Make me happy, huh?"
"No." responding firmly. I appreciate Syd being there with me. She rode with me in the ambulance and has stayed with me at the hospital the whole night. But she's got to stop mothering me.
I'm thinking what I should do about this situation. All of the events that happend after I got home from the club are still fresh in my mind. I called Syd for help. The EMTs had to revive me, as I was passed out on the floor. Syd was there. I remember telling them what I was doing before I fell. Talking to the emergency room doctor when I got to the hospital. The nurse drawing my blood. Being wheeled to another room for an emergency procedure. Going under anesthesia.
Syd takes a sip of her coffee. "Did the doctor come in to see you while I was gone?"
"Not yet, but I'm sure he'll release me soon. I feel fine now." I say as I roll over to see her sitting in the chair next to my bed. Its half true, though. I still feel sore from the procedure. "I just can't believe this happend to me? What did I do in my life to deserve this? I thought I was healthy. Now, my life's turned totally upside down."
Syd knows the whole story about what the doctor suspects is wrong with me. But, she doesn't know everything and probably never will. I'll take the other secret to my grave.
"Are you going to tell Ryan?"
"No, I can't. I just can't. He can never know," I say to her, now starting to cry. "Syd, I don't know. I love him, but I can't do this to him. He doesn't need the drama. I know that I have to end it."
I don't want to leave him, but I have no choice. Then I remember his invitation to the awards thing in a couple of weeks. [i]I'll have to end it after that[/i], I think to myself. Its not like I can't come up with a legitimate excuse. We are apart for long periods of time. I'll have to use that one. What Ryan doesn't know won't hurt him.
***
MEANWHILE IN SEATTLE
(NARRATOR IS ANONYMOUS)
Scene: Its early morning and the boys of Panic! at the disco have arrived in Seattle. Still on their tour bus, all the guys start to wake up. Ryan, of course, is the last one to rise.
"Ahhh," Spencer yawns with a large stretch as he gets out of his bunk. "I'm starved. We getting breakfast or something?"
"Yeah," responds Jon, who walks passed Spencer and plops himself on the couch. "I'm hungry too."
"Well, if sleeping beauty can just wake up then we can all go together," Brendon chimes in, talking about Ryan, who's still fast asleep.
"Why? Lets just get something and bring it back," Spencer suggests. "I think he was on the phone with Erica 'til late. Poor bastard. When's he gonna realize she's too good for him?"
"When's SHE gonna wake up?" jokes Brendon.
All the boys were there when Erica and Ryan first met. They like her a lot, especially because she seems to make Ryan happy.
"I don't know, he's got to be careful. One false move and he could lose it all," Spencer says to his bandmates. Spencer is referring to the numerous girl fans that practically throw themselves at Ryan every night after their concerts. Though Ryan says he has no use for them, he has, on occassion, been known to flirt a bit with the ladies. Of course, Erica has no idea about this.
But there's an unspoken code of honor of sorts with the guys: What the girlfriend don't know won't hurt her.
Chapter 4, "She takes the blame, it's always the same, she goes down on her knees and prays."
Characters:
BOSTON:
Erica (narrator)
Syd
Doctor at hospital
SEATTLE:
Ryan Ross
Spencer Smith
Jon Walker
Brendon Urie
Jay (security guard)
Disclaimer: R
ERICA IS NARRATOR:
I'm all dressed, sitting at the edge of my hospital bed, just waiting for the doctor to give me the go ahead to leave. The nurse came by earlier and told me that the doctor would be coming in soon to speak to me.
Its all so confusing and sad. My life is forever changed because of a possible diagnosis. Not only that, I’m thinking of what to do about Ryan. I don’t want him to know what’s going on, but I don’t want to keep secrets from him. So, I’ve decided that I need to end it. However, I promised him that I would go with him to this awards ceremony in New York City. I don’t want to disappoint him. I’ll go, but need to think about what I’ll say to him the day after.
While I’m waiting, Syd’s with me. We’ll take a cab to my apartment together. Though we’ve only known each other for a year, this experience has made me realize what a true friend she really is.
"How to tell him is the problem. Should I just come out and say it or write a letter? Its going to be so hard,” I continue, feeling so down about it all. “This whole thing just fucked up the best thing I’ve had in my life in a long time. Its really not fair!”
"Oh, Er, it’ll be okay. I just think you should tell him. I mean, you know I'm not crazy about Ryan, the fact that I think he takes advantage of you. But I do think you should talk to him at least. Be honest."
I've never lied to Ryan about anything. I never had any reason to. But this is different. He’s got so much going on in his life right now. I don’t want to add my drama to it.
And who am I, anyway? Just a girl he’s dating. I mean, we’ve never professed our undying love for each other.
"Well," the doctor says as he enters my room. "I see you're ready to get out of here. I just need to talk to you for a moment. Would you mind giving us a few minutes?" the doctor says to Syd. She leaves.
"Erica, I hope you know that this is a preliminary diagnosis and will not be confirmed for another few days. I will contact you once the test results come in. As for the other matter…” he continues, he’s going to prescribe something to fight a possible infection. That "other matter." What a fucking shock that was. Its possible, the doctor says, that I had milder symptoms before, like painful numbness in my extremities. But this “other matter” could have acted as an accelerant. "…and try to avoid strenuous activity for at least 7 - 14 days. Any questions?”
“No, all set."
Then my gaze turns to the floor. I feel so lost. This is all my fault! God, I’m so sorry!
MEANWHILE, BACK IN SEATTLE WITH THE BOYS OF PANIC!
NARRATOR IS ANONYMOUS
Ryan and the boys are getting ready to head over to a local radio station for an on-air interview. The boys hate interviews, especially radio ones, because its always the same old questions: how did you get discovered? how would you classify your music? what do you make of all this rapid success? But, unfortunately, its something they have to do.
"Ryan," calls Brendon from outside the tour bus. "What the fuck, man. Get your ass in gear."
Brendon, Spencer and Jon are standing outside with him, near the bus door, ready to go.
"Dreaming of all the pretty horses, that boy," Spencer says. "Gotta look good for the interview. I hear that woman dj is pretty hot."
"Yeah? 'Bout time we get a pretty lady to interview us. It makes my mind wander to places..." Brendon says jokingly.
"Ha, ha, ha," laughs Jon. "Remember that guy in Australia that interviewed Ryan and me? The one who said Jesus Titties? Fucking awesome if a girl asked us that."
"Alright," says Ryan as he lazily steps off the bus. "What's the hold up?" he says to them amusingly. The boys get into a limosine with their bodyguard Jay and a few moments later their moving.
"So, talked to Erica last night?" Spencer teases at Ryan. "What did you and princess talk about for so long."
"Cut the shitt, Spence. Its all good."
"Yeah, alright."
Suddenly, there's a small group of girls walking on the sidewalk and they stop near the limo, which is stopped at a red light. The guys all look out the side window, trying to catch a glimpse. Ah, boys will be boys.
"They're cute. Lets take 'em with us," jokes Brendon.
"Come on, man, they're probably like 12 or something. Don't get involved in that shit." Spencer chimes in. One of the girls, a pretty long-haired brunette, comes up to the limo and knocks on the window. Jon's near the window and pushes the button to open it.
"Hey, guys!" the girl says, smiling, leaning over so her boobs practically fall out of her shirt. "Hey," they all respond back to her. "When you guys coming back? We want to meet you?" she asks them flirtingly. "Soon.” Ryan answers with a shy smile. He finds the girl attractive. The limo soon drives off and Spencer warns his friend.
"Oh, man. You're looking for it, bro.”
Chapter 5: "A thousand other boys could never reach you, how could I have been the one?"
Characters:
SEATTLE:
Spencer Smith
Jon Walker
Brendon Urie
Ryan Ross
BOSTON:
Erica (narrator)
Syd
Disclaimer: PG-13
IN SEATLLE WITH THE BOYS OF PANIC!
The boys of Panic! are in the limousine, heading back to the venue from their radio interview. The mood is good and the boys are just shooting the shit.
"Hey," shouts Spencer to the limo driver. "Can we stop and get some food or something? McDonalds, KFC, friggin' Taco Bell. S&!t, I'm starving."
"Dude, it’s like too early. Those places only serve breakfast now. Lets go to like IHOP or a Denny’s," Jon suggests.
"Oh no, not the IHOP. That fucking crap. I got serious issues with that place." Brendon replies. They decide on McDonalds and stock up on their breakfast menu.
After they’ve gotten their food, Brendon, Spencer and Jon are enjoying their meals. But Ryan isn't eating. He's not even paying attention to them at the moment. He's got his sidekick and is sending Erica a message. "Hello from Seattle!" he types. "clockistickingthesecondsclosertowheniseeyou." He sends the message and closes it. He leans his head back to rest, stares out the window and watches the houses passing him by.
He remembers something Erica wrote him in a message once:
Did you like the view of the highway,
And those houses off the interstate?
Ever wonder what those people are like
Living with lovers they hate?
It makes him think. All those anonymous people probably hate their lives and live with people they despise. He remembers what that feels like. The only part of his past he wishes he could get back was being anonymous. Erica understands that part of him more than anybody. He likes that fact that she can bring him into her reality and make him forget for a moment about the fame.
In her words, she’s telling him those people living normal lives could only dream of doing what he’s doing right now. He had the courage to take a chance and look where its gotten him? Ryan is grateful for what’s happened in his life, to tour with his band around the world, to live his dream. He wouldn't have it any other way.
The boys arrive at the venue and notice some girls standing around their tour bus. Jay, their security guard, gets out of the limo's front seat and opens the door to let the guys out. The girls start to shreak and scream. The boys are uncomfortable and try their best to ignore them. They honestly hate this part of their fame.
But Ryan notices a familiar face. The girl who talked to them earlier. She's standing still among the wild teenies, giving off a flirty smile as she purposely flips her long brown hair back. She reminds him of Erica in a way.
Moments later, Ryan gets Jay's attention and whispers something in his ear. The boys go into the venue with Jay. A little while later, Jay comes out and asks the girl to come with him inside.
MEANWHILE BACK IN BOSTON…
"Thanks, Syd. I don't know what I would've done without you." as I giving her a hug before she leaves my apartment. We came back from the hospital a little while ago.
"You sure you don't need me to stay?"
"No, Syd. You look exhausted. Get some sleep. I'm totally fine now. I'll call you tomorrow." She's out the door and I lock it behind her.
Ah, alone at last. Its one of those days when I just want to hide myself under my comforter and hibernate for hours. I go to my phone and there's no voice mail. I go to my computer and notice a message from Ryan. I read it and smile. He's too cute sometimes. Don't get me wrong, Ryan is all man, but he can still make my heart melt by being adorable.
This is the hardest part as I dig through my nightstand and find a small journal. I rip out some meaningless pages and search for a pen. While it would be more convenient to type on my computer, there's something to be said about putting pen to paper. Something about the way words look when they are hand written. I find writing this way relaxing and it helps me to gather my thoughts better.
I start thinking about things I'm going to say to Ryan. The right words to tell him its over. God, this is so hard! I close my eyes and see him. Feel him. I take a deep breath and just start writing words that come to me. Sorry is the first one. I start getting upset. Its just not fucking fair!
Chapter 6: "I keep telling myself I'm not the desperate type, but you've got me looking in through blinds."
Characters:
SEATTLE:
Spencer Smith
Ryan Ross
A little whore bitch! (name currently unknown)
BOSTON:
Erica (narrator)
Syd
Disclaimer:R for some sexual content
IN SEATTLE AGAIN WITH PANIC!
NARRATOR IS ANONYMOUS
The boys of Panic! are taking a break from their soundcheck. Ryan and Spencer are talking on the stage, while Jon and Brendon are backstage somewhere playing a game of Cee-Lo (a dice game). The girl Jay brought inside the venue is sitting down in a chair off stage, in the shadows.
"Yeah, yeah, I get what your saying," Spencer says to Ryan. They are talking about a new arrangement planned for one of their songs. Spencer goes backstage and Ryan comes down off the stage and walks towards the girl sitting down. He’s a little apprehensive, wondering what he was thinking when he asked Jay to bring her inside the venue.
"Sorry you're waiting."
"Its alright. I don't mind.It sounded great! I can't wait to see you up there tonight." she says as she stands up to greet him. She's standing in front of Ryan, uncomfortably close.
"So, what do you want to do now?" she asks, putting her hand on Ryan's chest. He looks at her for a moment. She reminds him so much of Erica.
"Cat caught your tongue?"
"Um, maybe go sit down somewhere. Talk?"
"Okay," she says and they walk through a door that leads to a narrow hallway. On either side of the hallway are numerous doors. Ryan opens one of them. It’s his private dressing room.
They enter the room and Ryan shuts the door. When he turns around, the girl quickly throws her arms around him and lays a full-tongue kiss on him. Ryan grabs her arms, pushing them off him and he pulls away.
"Look, I..." he starts to say and she puts her finger to his lips.
"We don't have to talk. Don't you want me?" she says, acting like a little sex kitten. She pulls her shirt over her head and unclaspes her bra from the back. She takes it off and stands in front of Ryan.
Ryan is speachless. He knows this is wrong, but he wants her so badly. He moves closer to her and brushes the front of her hair with his fingers. Then he leans and kisses her. They end up in a strong embrace and move to the couch. All systems are go.
"Uh," the girl moans as Ryan kisses her neck, working his way down her chest. She's trying to unbutton her jeans, but Ryan's on top of her. He pulls away and starts helping her. Her jeans and panties completely off, Ryan lays on top of her. They kiss hard. Ryan grabs, squeezes any piece of flesh he can.
He unzips his jeans and quickly pulls them down to his thighs. He slips himself inside her and starts fucking the s!&t out of her. The slut is making loud, annoying sounds.
Seconds later, he comes and pulls out of her. He quickly gets up and hurredly pulls his pants back up. The slut just lays there on the couch, feeling satisfied.
"Look, this was a mistake. I'm sorry. You need to get out of here!"
The little slut giggles to herself as she's getting her clothes back on.
"Oh, Ryan. You don't have to worry about me. I won't tell anyone. Maybe we can meet up after the show?"
"No, I can't. This was a big mistake. I'm really sorry. I have a girlfriend."
"Oh, one of those,” she says, rolling her eyes. She gives a large sigh and continues. “That doesn't bother me," she says as she puts her purse strap over her shoulder. She flips her hair and looks right at Ryan. "See you around." she says flirtingly and walks out the door.
He sits on the couch and puts his face in his hands. What the fuck am I doing?
BACK IN BOSTON WITH ERICA ON A DIFFERENT DAY
ERICA IS NARRATOR
“I can’t decide between the black strapless or the royal blue one that’s off the shoulder. What do you think?” I ask Syd. She and I are at a boutique on Newbury Street, shopping for a dress for the awards ceremony.
“I like the blue. Its different. Black is so overdone. But I love color anyway, so, I don’t know. Its up to you.”
I agree with her. I like color too. I go to try it on and find that its too big for me. Luckily they have a smaller size and I try that one on. It fits. Got the dress, now the shoes, jewelry and the purse.
I honesty hate shopping and trying on stuff in the stores. But its for a special occasion and I want to look somewhat decent for Ryan when I see him. I’ve got 3 more days until I leave for New York. He e-mailed me the information the other day. He’s having a car pick me up at the airport. I’ll be taking the shuttle from Logan. It turns out I’m going a day before the ceremony, so we’ll have a whole day to spend together.
That’s going to be tough, though. I’ve nearly got the “Dear John” letter finished. Its basically using our distance as an excuse for my breaking up with him. I never want him to know the real reason. Its going to be so crappy, I know, to say goodbye in a letter. But I have no choice.
The doctor called me a few days ago, finally, and confirmed what he suspected. I have multiple sclerosis. It’s a disease that shuts down the body’s central nervous system. The fact that I lost feeling in my legs and had abdominal pain were symptoms of the disease. It does so much damage to a person’s body, but MS is different in everyone. Many people experience mild symptoms here and there, like numbness or ‘pins and needles’ feeling. But as the years progress, symptoms could get worse - I could go blind or be paralyzed.
When I go to New York I have to pretend that there’s nothing wrong. Then, the day after the ceremony, the day I leave, I’ll slip the letter somewhere, like in his suitcase or jacket pocket. That way, I won’t have to face him, to explain myself. I’ll just walk away from it all.
The woman working at the boutique offers some suggestions as far as the other accessories I need. I approve of a pair of dangling earrings, beautiful stiletto heals and a small beaded purse.
“Wow!” Syd says as we walk to the register to purchase everything. “I’ve got to see you in the whole thing, hair done and all. After Ryan sees you in this get-up, he’ll shit himself.”
I laugh. “Well, that is the intent. But remember, Syd, its just for that one night. After that, it’ll be over.”
I wish it didn’t have to be that way, but I love Ryan so much that I have to let him go.
Chapter 7: "I never meant to be so bad to you, one thing I said that I would never do"
Characters:
Narrator (Anonymous)
Ryan Ross
Spencer Smith
Brendon Urie
Jon Walker
Disclaimer: R for some adult language
The boys of Panic! are in Detroit and they will be performing that night. They are all backstage, taking a break from rehersals, playing a heated game Cee-Lo with the stage crew. Usually Ryan would be in the center of the action, but he's not in the mood. He's reminded of what happend nearly a week ago with that girl he slept with.
Turns out, the little whore showed up at their gig a couple of days ago in Minneapolis. She was outside the venue after the show, waiting along with dozens of other girls for the Panic! boys to board their tour bus. When Ryan saw her, he was completely floored.
He recalls seeing her among the screaming teenies outside that night. The little slut called out. "Hey, Ryan. I miss you." He looked at her briefly and turned away. [i]Shit! What the fuck is she doing here?
He knows he made a terrible mistake with the bitch. It seemed harmless at first, but the little slut was a pro. She knew what she was doing. All this happend because he was lonely, because he wanted a quick fuck just to get off. He saw the girl, who reminded him of Erica. But lost himself in a moment of passion. And then he saw the girl again and he’s was shaken up a bit. He can only hope that Erica will never find out.
Ryan didn't really talk to his friends about it at first. But after he saw the girl in Minneapolis, he confided in Spencer about the whole situation. He and Spencer have been best friends since they were younger. He didn’t judge Ryan for what he had done, but warned him he could lose Erica if he wasn’t careful.
"Trips!" yells Brendon, as he rolls three fives in the Cee-Lo game. "Beat that, suckas!"
"Fuck!," yells Jon. "Come on 4-5-6," he chants as he rolls the dice.
"Ohhh!," shouts the crowd of men, as Jon rolls 2-3-3.
"Pay-up, suckas!" says a happy Brendon. He's just won the pot.
"Man, that's my fucking drinking money for tonight. Shit. Hey Ry, spot me a few bucks?"
Ryan's just come backstage to join his friends. "Yeah, whatever," he says to him. Ryan is sitting down, watching the action in front of him, but he's not really paying attention. His mind is elsewhere right now. He's thinking of how he screwed up. Stupid fucking shit! What the fuck was I thinking?
"Hey, Ry. Play?." Spencer asks as he hands him the three die.
"Nah. Sittin' this one out."
"You okay?
"Yeah, just not in the mood right now."
"Whoa! Ryan not in the mood for Cee-Lo?! Fuck me! That's shit, dude." says Brendon.
Ryan reaches in his pocket for his sidekick. He checks and finds a message from Erica.
“Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. Good luck tonight and see you in a few days. Miss you. - Erica.”
He smirks, closes the sidekick and puts it back in his pocket. I’m thinking of you too.
After Detroit, they will head to New York City for a day of interviews and press stuff. Then the next morning, Erica will arrive and they will have the whole day to spend together. The night after that is the awards ceremony, where the boys of Panic! will be presenters.
Ryan vows to himself that he won't screw up again. He closes his eyes and takes advantage of this time to relax before they go back and reherse again for tonight's show.
Chapter 8, "And now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard, just to figure you out"
Characters:
Narrator (anonymous)
Ryan Ross
Spencer Smith
Brendon Urie
Jon Walker
A little whore bitch (name unknown)
Disclaimer: R for adult language
NARRATOR ANONYMOUS
Its Tuesday morning in New York City. Ryan, Spencer, Brendon and Jon are having breakfast in the hotel restaurant. Unshaven, but freshly showered, the guys are downing their breakfasts like it was their last meal. Yesterday was a long day of interviews and they barely had time to eat.
“So, Erica’s coming soon, right?” Spencer asks Ryan, his mouth full of food.
“Yeah.” Ryan responds, swallowing a bite of his breakfast.
“When’s your girl coming?,” Brendon asks Jon.
“Later today.".
Brendon and Spencer’s girlfriends will arrive later too.
As the guys finish up their breakfasts, their security guard Jay comes by their table. He’s gone to a nearby flowershop for Ryan to pick up a bouquet of peach colored roses.
“Aww, you shouldn’t have,” jokes Brendon, reaching out for the bouquet. Jay hands them to Ryan, who quickly places them at the far end of the table, out of the way. He secretly hopes its not too much. Part of him wants to do it to make Erica happy, but part of him is also doing it out of guilt.
“Whoa, flowers? Dude, you make me look bad.” Spencer says with a laugh.
Ryan looks at his watch. “Well, gotta go. See you later,” he says as he gets up from the table, puts his coat on and grabs the flowers. He’s off to the airport to pick up Erica. She has no idea he’s going to be in the car that will pick her up.
***
Out of the restaurant, Ryan walks toward the hotel’s revolving doors. While he walks, he sees a familiar face that stops him dead in his tracks.
It’s the little whore bitch from Seattle.
She smiles as she catches his eye and walks over to him. He’s in absolute shock.
“Hi, Ryan!"
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Don’t be so mean. I came to see you. I’ve got a very rich daddy and he let me come all the way to New York just to see you. I know you missed me."
“Really, I haven’t given you any thought.” and he tries to walk away.
“Hey?!” she yells, “That’s no way to treat me. Look, I’ve got a room here too and we can have some fun later…” she says coyly, until Ryan cuts her off.
“No! What the fuck? You come here, for what reason? You think I like you or something? It was a mistake, I told you. A HUGE mistake. You need to leave or I’ll call security!"
She laughs and says to him, “Room 1203,” and walks away.
Ryan is so bullshit right now! His one moment of weakness has now become his worst nightmare.
Chapter 9, "Will you lie with me and just forget the world?"
Characters:
Erica (narrator)
Driver (name unknown)
Ryan Ross
Disclaimer: PG-13
I’ve just come from baggage claim to get my small suitcase. I carried my garment bag on board. I walk toward the airport entrance and look for someone holding a sign with my name on it. Suddenly, I spot the sign held up by a tall gentleman in a dark suit.
“Hi, I’m Erica.”
“Here, mam, let me take your bags for you. ” he says as he grabs my luggage from me. I smile and thank him as I follow him outside to where his car is parked. I can't believe I'm going to finally see Ryan after nearly a month. I'm happy, but nervous at the same time.
The car is a towncar with tinted windows. I wait on the curb as the driver puts my stuff in the trunk. He then comes around and opens the car door for me.
“Thank you."
I sit and immediately I see Ryan sitting there. “Oh my God!" I squeal in surprise. I give him a big kiss on the lips.
“Mmm, I missed you.” he says to me after our kiss. I look lovingly at him and give him a shy smile. His unshaven face, his adorable grin, his bedroom eyes. I remember why I fell for him in the first place. A few seconds later I snap out of my trance.
“Are these for me?
“No, I actually thought I’d look better holding these."
Wow, I think to myself, he’s never bought me anything before. I didn’t expect that. I’m happy, but start to feel a little guilty.
“Thank you! They’re beautiful.” I say and give him another kiss. The uneasiness inside me grows. I can’t forget what I’m going to do in a couple of days. Just being with him now makes it so hard.
We start talking about my flight, what’s been going on the past few days and what to expect tomorrow. As he’s talking, I listen to the smooth tone of his voice and watch his lips. I’m totally consumed by him.
How can I let this man go? I think to myself. I don’t know if I can do it. Just thinking these thoughts brings tears to my eyes. Ryan notices.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Um, nothing. I guess I didn’t know how much I missed you until this very moment.”
“I know. I'm here now.” he whispers to me as he pulls me closer to him. He puts his arm around my shoulder as I lean my head against his chest. And just like that, Ryan makes me feel like I’m home.
Chapter 10: "If you could see inside my heart, then you would understand. I'd never mean to hurt you, baby I'm not that kind of man."
Characters:
Erica (narrator)
Ryan Ross
Disclaimer: NC-17, extreme sexual content/read with caution (oh, oh - here i go again! ;))
Scene: Erica and Ryan arrive at the hotel. As they enter the lobby, Ryan sees the little whore from Seattle, but Erica doesn't notice her at all. The slut gives him a "come hither stare," as he's walking by. Ryan squeezes Erica's hand in anger, but Erica, unaware of what he's really feeling, thinks his hand squeeze is affection and leans into his arm as they walk. He looks away, bullshit, and his happiness soon turns to stone cold hate.
ERICA IS NARRATOR
At the elevators, I can't stop staring at Ryan. His face looks so cold now since we walked into the hotel. I'm wondering what's wrong.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," he says, his voice sounding extremely annoyed. I'm worried about him, but I don't push the subject any further. The elevator takes us to his floor and we arrive at his room. Ryan opens the door with the keycard and we, including the bellhop carrying my luggage, go inside. He gives the bellhop a tip. “Thanks,” Ryan says curtly to him and he shuts the door behind him.
***
"Wow. This is great! Its like....Uh!"
Before I can finish, Ryan pins me against the wall and kisses me hard. His tongue pushing into my mouth as his body presses into mine. Its so fast, so rough, so unexpected. He's never been like this before. I take in the feel of his tongue in my mouth, the the scent of his skin. He pulls at my shirt, running his hands up and down the side of my body, grabbing my breasts. Its all making me so hot. My arms wrap around his neck, pulling him closer.
Then we start taking our clothes off. Its like we can’t undress fast enough! Clothes go flying as we're still trying to kiss with each piece of clothing we take off. I missed him so much. Now, both naked, he pins me to the wall again, sinking his lips, his tongue into my neck. I squeeze his shoulders, biting my lower lip.
What is he doing to me? I think, enjoying every second of this rough pleasure. Our mouths lock, our tongues search. His eyes are closed. I'm wondering where all this sexual aggression came from. We move quickly to the floor and he thrusts his dick inside me. I scream, arching my back.
It still hurts inside. The doctor said any discomfort from the procedure I had would go away in a couple of weeks, but its still there, killing me! I bite down on my lip, trying to hold in my anquish.
"Ryan, baby, slow down, okay?...Ryan?" He doesn't look at me. Its like he can't hear me.
Meanwhile, he fucks the shit out of me. Looking over his shoulder, I stare at the ceiling, tears start to fall from the corners of my eyes. "Ryan? Baby, please?" I call softly. But he still won't look at me.
Then I think desperately. Do I deserve this? This pain? God, is this my punishment for my sins? For what I've done? For what I'm going to do to this man? I breath into his neck, whispering "Ryan" as the tears roll down my face. Moments later, he grunts loudly and he comes inside me. He pulls out and collapses on top of me in exhaustion. His head rests on my chest. All I can do is place my trembling hands on his head as he lays there.
What just happened? This isn’t Ryan. Something’s not right.
***
A few moments go by before Ryan comes back to Earth. He lifts his head to look at me. My eyes are filled with tears.
“Are you okay?”
“Um...yeah. “
"Did I hurt you?” His face grows more worried.
“Um, I'll be okay,” I say as he gets off me. I slowly rise and start collecting my clothes off of the rug. I cradle them in my arms as I walk towards the bathroom. I'm in shock.
He gets up to put his pants on and tries to grab my arm.
“Erica?!”
I don't answer, pulling away from his grasp before I walk inside the bathroom. Locking the door behind me, I drop everything that's in my arms. I stand against the wall, wrap my arms around my waist and slide to the floor, trying to hold in the scream that is desperate to come out of my lungs. The pain is too much.
“Erica!” I'm sorry, baby! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you!” he pleads, trying to open the door, banging his hand against it.
I struggle to speak. “I’m okay,” I try to say sweetly, but my voice is cracking. “Just give me a minute." On top of the physical pain, there's the emotional pain I feel inside. Why didn’t he hear me? Why did he do this to me?