(no subject)
its funny.
we go through life like we all already know our purpose, even though that is really the thing we all try to find. I always thought i knew what i wanted out of life, but the last few months have only given me more questions that have no discernable answers.
We all live under pressure, some of us different pressures than others. Lately i've found that i don't hold up very well under such pressure, i'm sure others that have seen me work have realized this long ago. It is for me however, a very new concept. The more i self-analyze the more i realize that i have made excuses my entire life. Now, a junior in college and newly turned 21 i find that i have no more excuses to make. I have only myself to truly blame for my own unhappiness.
Its a daunting thought, one that i'm only just beginning to delve into. Sure, things haven't been easy for me, sure i had a hard time growing up, okay i have trouble getting things done, committing to anything. But ultimately i don't have anyone to blame for these faults except for myself. I've grown a lot in the past 6 months or so, experienced a lot of pain, a lot of loss, but also the thrill of new friendship, new spirituality, new love.
I find myself unhappy with my current "life plan" realizing perhaps for the first time, that it was never really my plan at all. I can't fully blame my parents for impressing on me the need to succeed in life, to go to college, and get a good job, but i can't bring myself to discount their involvement completely. I realize now with clear eyes that i don't want what they want for me, i don't need to publish papers, or have a fancy title, i don't want it, i don't want the endless stress of grad school, i don't want to study for the GRE's or face the disappointment when i have to realize too late that i'm not cut out for that kind of life. Sure, i could do it if i wanted to, i know i'm capable, but i don't think i want it badly enough, the fire for it, just isn't there.
So now that i've decided that my life will follow its own course, there are other things i've had to realize about myself. i'm a slacker, i've always known it but the reality is daunting to say the least and i'm not quite sure i know how to go about "fixing myself". One would think all i would have to do would be to say "Alyssa get off your ass and just do it" but i have tried to no avail. I've realized that i'm an alcoholic, that i always have been, or at least that i've always been a "problem drinker" anyone who has seen me drink or drunk can probably attest to it. I've come to realize that my life and my problem with alcohol are unmangeable, that i cannot do it on my own, that i can't drink anymore because im not physically or mentally able to have just one or two, and that i will eventually kill myself. I started going to AA, its not easy, but it will be worth it when i can get my life together.
I don't know where my life is going, i have plans, and i have dreams, and i have secrets hidden away in my heart that i'm scared to tell anyone. I hope most of all, for a future in which i am sober, and happy, and healthy, and loved. Whatever my purpose is, i have faith that it will happen without my help, i have faith that it will all turn out okay in the end.
Goddess Bless.
we go through life like we all already know our purpose, even though that is really the thing we all try to find. I always thought i knew what i wanted out of life, but the last few months have only given me more questions that have no discernable answers.
We all live under pressure, some of us different pressures than others. Lately i've found that i don't hold up very well under such pressure, i'm sure others that have seen me work have realized this long ago. It is for me however, a very new concept. The more i self-analyze the more i realize that i have made excuses my entire life. Now, a junior in college and newly turned 21 i find that i have no more excuses to make. I have only myself to truly blame for my own unhappiness.
Its a daunting thought, one that i'm only just beginning to delve into. Sure, things haven't been easy for me, sure i had a hard time growing up, okay i have trouble getting things done, committing to anything. But ultimately i don't have anyone to blame for these faults except for myself. I've grown a lot in the past 6 months or so, experienced a lot of pain, a lot of loss, but also the thrill of new friendship, new spirituality, new love.
I find myself unhappy with my current "life plan" realizing perhaps for the first time, that it was never really my plan at all. I can't fully blame my parents for impressing on me the need to succeed in life, to go to college, and get a good job, but i can't bring myself to discount their involvement completely. I realize now with clear eyes that i don't want what they want for me, i don't need to publish papers, or have a fancy title, i don't want it, i don't want the endless stress of grad school, i don't want to study for the GRE's or face the disappointment when i have to realize too late that i'm not cut out for that kind of life. Sure, i could do it if i wanted to, i know i'm capable, but i don't think i want it badly enough, the fire for it, just isn't there.
So now that i've decided that my life will follow its own course, there are other things i've had to realize about myself. i'm a slacker, i've always known it but the reality is daunting to say the least and i'm not quite sure i know how to go about "fixing myself". One would think all i would have to do would be to say "Alyssa get off your ass and just do it" but i have tried to no avail. I've realized that i'm an alcoholic, that i always have been, or at least that i've always been a "problem drinker" anyone who has seen me drink or drunk can probably attest to it. I've come to realize that my life and my problem with alcohol are unmangeable, that i cannot do it on my own, that i can't drink anymore because im not physically or mentally able to have just one or two, and that i will eventually kill myself. I started going to AA, its not easy, but it will be worth it when i can get my life together.
I don't know where my life is going, i have plans, and i have dreams, and i have secrets hidden away in my heart that i'm scared to tell anyone. I hope most of all, for a future in which i am sober, and happy, and healthy, and loved. Whatever my purpose is, i have faith that it will happen without my help, i have faith that it will all turn out okay in the end.
Goddess Bless.