(no subject)
its 7:43 in the morning as i start this, and i've been semi awake all night. Not by a combination of guilt and endless thoughts leading to insomnia, as is normally the case, but a purposeful vigil, punctuated by some sleep and some studying. waiting for the sun to rise. well the sun has risen, but somehow i don't feel any better. I've been crying a lot lately, small things that normally wouldn't phase me have been the cause of lonliness, worry, tears, pain. The more people close to me that i lose to the other side of the veil, the more i am beginning to realize that death, while a natural cycle, also serves to teach a lesson to the living. in less than six months i have lost two people who were instrumental in shaping my life. Two people i loved with all my heart, but was too far away from to really be with all the time. I have memories now, pictures and writings and small tokens. that is all i have of them. Most of all their deaths have reminded me that life is precious, and that love is the paramount emotion of our world. without love there is nothing worth dying for, and certainly most of all there is nothing worth living for. For the past week i have existed in a zombie like state of grief, punctuated only by moments of happiness or moments of obscene sadness. laughter or tears, that is all i've had. The loss of these two great people in my life has caused more changes, change on the level of my soul that i have yet to grasp. I do not know how to go on living without these people in my life, until i realize that they still are, that just because they no longer have a mortal shell does not mean they are gone to me. And even though i can no longer call them or talk to them, or hug them close does not mean i cannot still love them. And even though i am consumed by this grief, this pain over their loss, i treasure every moment with them that i had, every word exchanged and every second of their company. In the end, even knowing how it all turned out, i would not change a thing, except to say that i would call more, love harder, and cherish the moments all the more. We are not given do-overs, we are mortals and are trapped by the procession of time, trapped by our past choices which grow into regrets. i do not regret the love i gave, the time i spent, the grief i now find myself experiencing. Truthfully this grief is something to exult in, it lets me know that i did indeed love and was loved.
And now that they are gone, i know only a few things. I know that they loved me back. I know that they both thought of me the night they passed on from this world. I know they watch over me still. And finally, i know in every part of my mind, heart, and soul that i will see both of them, hold both of them, be with both of them again.
Andreas and Seance, i will never forget the lessons you taught me or the love you gave me, i will love you both for the rest of my life.
And to all my friends that may read this, whether we are close or far, whether we talk or don't, no matter how long ago i last saw you. Know, that i Love you too, and the moments we spent together changed me in ways i shall never be able to express.
Goddess Bless Us All
And now that they are gone, i know only a few things. I know that they loved me back. I know that they both thought of me the night they passed on from this world. I know they watch over me still. And finally, i know in every part of my mind, heart, and soul that i will see both of them, hold both of them, be with both of them again.
Andreas and Seance, i will never forget the lessons you taught me or the love you gave me, i will love you both for the rest of my life.
And to all my friends that may read this, whether we are close or far, whether we talk or don't, no matter how long ago i last saw you. Know, that i Love you too, and the moments we spent together changed me in ways i shall never be able to express.
Goddess Bless Us All