Run Dry
I’m mad at you. About as mad as I’ve ever been. I can’t remember the last time I was this mad at someone. And of all people, it’s you. I’ve tried not to be, but I can’t not. When you treat me the way you do, when you say the things you do. I try and try and try, but I just can’t stop getting mad at you. And it always fades away, I always forgive you, but I don’t know if I can let it go this time. You’ve crossed a line that I hold off limits. A line I don’t even go near. Lest I evoke the same reaction from someone else. I can’t keep putting out this fire. I’m running out of water. Please just help me here. I don’t know what to say and I know you can’t change, but I’m asking you anyway.
How do you feel knowing that you’ve instilled this feeling in me? Do you know the hurt you’ve caused me? The pain runs so deep. Sometimes I feel as if I can’t even move, it hurts so bad. And the sad thing is that I love you. I really do, but you’ll never know it. You’ll never believe me. So I just sit by and suffer sadly. Maybe I’m not convincing enough. Maybe my actions aren’t enough to convince you, but it’s the truth. I can’t tell you how I feel, you’ll never believe it. I can’t show you how I feel, you’ll never see it. If I could just make you feel it, just once. Then maybe I’d be a little bit happier. If you knew what I truly felt, what I truly thought. If only one time, for just one moment. Then you would know. I would finally be understood. I would be known. What a wonderful thought, just thinking about it fills me with a false sense of relief. Unfortunately, I also know that just as I’m entitled to feel the way I do, you are entitled to the same. I also know that it’s simply too much for me to ask you to understand me. You just don’t get me. You probably never will. I’m tired honey, so very tired. I can’t go on playing these games. Amidst this air of mistrust and deception, I don’t even know if I can believe you anymore.
You’ve told me you love me, and I want to believe you. I really do, but I just don’t know if I can anymore. In the beginning I would readily forgive you for any of your transgressions, but over time it’s gotten harder and harder. At first it was effortless. I love you. I can’t stay mad at you. And so on and so forth. And I forgive and forget over and over again, but it’s not so easy anymore. Before it was without thought, without conscious effort, but now it’s seems to take such force to forgive you. It’s not natural anymore, it’s unnatural. My forgiveness hath flown like a river, but now all that’s left is a dry bed. Nothing but the faintest trickle is left. I have to force it with all I’ve got. I don’t forgive you because I have to. I don’t love you because I want to. I make myself forgive you to be nice, and I’m trying to continue loving you. I’m just exhausted. I can’t keep this up. Something’s bound to give, and I’m afraid it’ll be me. I can’t keep playing these games. I need this to end. Please help me. Don’t make me do it. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I just want peace. I’m afraid if this goes on I’ll have no choice but to act. And I will lose you. The funny thing is, I’m not so sure that I really care anymore. It’s looking like it’s you or me.
Who do I love more?
A short story by
Keisha Summers