World Leader Pretend
"Everybody wants to rule the world." - Tears for Fears
"It's the end of the world as we know it..." - R.E.M.
You all know the game. You're sitting someplace with your friends (maybe at a coffee shop, or in your living room, or a park somewhere, or they're the friends that live inside your computer. Whatever. It all works) and you gripe a little about the sorry state of things and then there it is: "Well, if I were in charge..."
Except, when I was younger it was always "Well, when I'm in charge..."
I had grand plans. I had schemes. I had ambition like whoa. And it's not that I was deluded enough to think I really would be in charge of this bucket some day - let's be real here: I'm a bisexual, polyamorous, atheist, geeky, introverted, non-confrontational chubby white girl with a penchant for wearing silly hats and no real leadership qualifications. Not that there's going to be a vote for world dictator-for-life, but I am seriously not in a position to seize control of anything other than the schedule on which I feed my cats1. I just preferred to think in the positive rather than the hypothetical, and I would always rather imagine myself firmly ensconced in a giant throne waving my scepter around happily than deliberate about the process by which such absurdity might come to pass. If you're going to dream, I thought, why not dream big?
Man, have I ever changed.
Once upon a time, as these questions of world leadership2 arose, the first thing I would do was promise my faithful friends and fellow bullshitters positions in the new government. Magnanimously I would confer upon them titles of great prestige, like Lord of Cheese and Minister of Thumping People, Chancellor of Pandas and Untied Shoelaces, or Minister of Persecuting People I Disagree With.
Nowadays, I am far less inclined to nepotism, I fear. Like, not at all. While my friends are my friends for good reasons3, I am forced to admit that creating sinecures for them and installing them in positions of power over others for no reason other than the fact that I like them is, well… dumb. So, my friends, I am sorry to tell you this: in the unlikely event that I should ever be able to create and fill such positions, I will only be creating positions that are actually necessary and I will only be putting people in those positions who are qualified. After all, since I’m not qualified in the slightest, I’m rather going to need them for doing all the real work.
In the past, when I considered my position of ultimate power over the lives of others, I cackled with glee. There may have been classic villain-style hand rubbing and shifty looks, even. After surrounding myself with gloriously independent flunkies of doom with nebulously defined authority, the next natural step was to rid the world of my enemies, of course! My enemies could be anyone I disagreed with (creationists were often the subject of my ire in those days), but really anyone who opposed my supremacy was just going to have to go. Maybe to an isolated island somewhere, maybe to another dimension, maybe just poof they didn’t exist anymore. I wasn’t picky. I just didn’t want to be bothered. This seemed only fair to me: after all, they would do the same to me were our positions reversed.
Alas, now my empathy kicks in far too readily for me to be a proper dictator. Indeed, I’m so good at understanding where other people come from and seeing them as people rather than opponents that it’s taken all the fun out of arguing4. Now it just sort of depresses me when people want to throw down with me - the world is made of shades of grey, and everyone is the hero of their own story, and I’m rather painfully aware of this now. Plus, I get tired of the us vs. them attitude, even when it’s clear that we’re not going to come to any kind of middle ground. I don’t want to keep perpetuating that, even when I feel it keenly5. Besides, if I’m being honest here, I don’t really have any enemies: I’m pretty innocuous, despite all those descriptive adjectives up there, and I can’t see that changing even if I ruled the world.
After ridding the world of all dissenting opinions (yes, I’m cringing here too), I would clearly be free to do whatever I wanted! My every caprice would be satisfied, my every whim instantly fulfilled! World hunger and poverty? Poof! Be gone! Silly sound effects and a music track added to all actions! Free education for everyone! Inexhaustible supplies of chocolate for me in tribute to my greatness! Libraries would be more prevalent and popular than fast food places! My palace would be of ENORMOUS magnitude!
You see the problem here, yes? Almost all my actions as Cuddly Mistress of The Universe require a wand of wishing to implement, and honestly, I would be far more careful and judicious with my wishes than that6. Really, this was a sign that I was more reasonable than I let on - after all, the only way I’d be in charge is if some weird supernatural force were at play, so why not just go with it and assume that the job came with magic powers? Now, though, my overdeveloped sense of responsibility practically demands a singular course of action: if I were somehow gifted with such fabulous powers, the first thing I should do with them is get rid of whatever the hell is both willing and able to irresponsibly grant such unthinkable might, and then wish myself out of them too.
Right after granting myself more reasonable superpowers with less responsibility attached, of course.
~~~
1. Ok, maybe I could seize control of a few other things, like the schedule on which I feed myself. Maybe. That seems trickier, though. Taking care of small fuzzy helpless critters with a tendency to stand on my face and purr seems a lot easier.
2. Oftentimes it wasn't "World Leader" but rather "Supreme Dictator of the Universe" or "Galactic MegaEmpress" or other similarly grand titles. Like I said, I was into dreaming big.
3. Good reasons such as: putting up my wild flights of fancy, helping me brainstorm wacky LJ Idol entries, being ok with my anti-social ways when I need to go into a corner and write for a while, offering to provide chocolate and/or deadlines to motivate me to write and finish a novel, hugs, knowing when to ask me if I have a migraine since I’m so lousy at telling myself, reminding me to eat (see previous footnote about self-feeding schedule), puns, understanding when I need to not see them because I’m all peopled out, beta-reading, discussions about “the silver smurfer” and other similarly silly topics, being generally supportive, calling me on my bullshit, sending texts that make me giggle and grin, being fabulously geeky, LAN parties, playing boggle with me on my birthday (though only on my birthday), tolerating my quirks and encouraging me in all manner of pursuits (productive and otherwise), putting up with my scattered and cluttered and messy ways, reassuring me when I’m all wibbly and insecure, just generally being awesome, and much more. Friends, I love you tons. You’re awesome.
4. Yes, I used to like arguing. For those who didn’t know me then and know me now, this seems almost incomprehensible. I got a real kick out of Being Right On The Internet in particular, back in the day. I was a moderator for the ACLU online chatroom on AOL, for goodness sake. Debating and arguing and doing super fast fact-checking and otherwise keeping things interesting while keeping the peace was one of my favorite ways to pass the time. I, uh, got over it.
5. And oh, believe me, I feel it keenly sometimes. I have very strong political and personal opinions, and of course they seem quite sensible and right to me. When faced with someone spewing hatred or being totally irrational about something or telling me that my worldview or lifestyle is fundamentally wrong, I get pretty unhappy. But doing the same with them isn’t going to do anything other than create a fleeting and momentary sense of superiority in each of us as we clash. I’d rather not give the people I disagree with the satisfaction.
6. Like many geeks, I have spent countless hours carefully considering the details of my wishes, should I ever be in a position to make them. Because that’s a totally reasonable way to spend my time.
"It's the end of the world as we know it..." - R.E.M.
You all know the game. You're sitting someplace with your friends (maybe at a coffee shop, or in your living room, or a park somewhere, or they're the friends that live inside your computer. Whatever. It all works) and you gripe a little about the sorry state of things and then there it is: "Well, if I were in charge..."
Except, when I was younger it was always "Well, when I'm in charge..."
I had grand plans. I had schemes. I had ambition like whoa. And it's not that I was deluded enough to think I really would be in charge of this bucket some day - let's be real here: I'm a bisexual, polyamorous, atheist, geeky, introverted, non-confrontational chubby white girl with a penchant for wearing silly hats and no real leadership qualifications. Not that there's going to be a vote for world dictator-for-life, but I am seriously not in a position to seize control of anything other than the schedule on which I feed my cats1. I just preferred to think in the positive rather than the hypothetical, and I would always rather imagine myself firmly ensconced in a giant throne waving my scepter around happily than deliberate about the process by which such absurdity might come to pass. If you're going to dream, I thought, why not dream big?
Man, have I ever changed.
Once upon a time, as these questions of world leadership2 arose, the first thing I would do was promise my faithful friends and fellow bullshitters positions in the new government. Magnanimously I would confer upon them titles of great prestige, like Lord of Cheese and Minister of Thumping People, Chancellor of Pandas and Untied Shoelaces, or Minister of Persecuting People I Disagree With.
Nowadays, I am far less inclined to nepotism, I fear. Like, not at all. While my friends are my friends for good reasons3, I am forced to admit that creating sinecures for them and installing them in positions of power over others for no reason other than the fact that I like them is, well… dumb. So, my friends, I am sorry to tell you this: in the unlikely event that I should ever be able to create and fill such positions, I will only be creating positions that are actually necessary and I will only be putting people in those positions who are qualified. After all, since I’m not qualified in the slightest, I’m rather going to need them for doing all the real work.
In the past, when I considered my position of ultimate power over the lives of others, I cackled with glee. There may have been classic villain-style hand rubbing and shifty looks, even. After surrounding myself with gloriously independent flunkies of doom with nebulously defined authority, the next natural step was to rid the world of my enemies, of course! My enemies could be anyone I disagreed with (creationists were often the subject of my ire in those days), but really anyone who opposed my supremacy was just going to have to go. Maybe to an isolated island somewhere, maybe to another dimension, maybe just poof they didn’t exist anymore. I wasn’t picky. I just didn’t want to be bothered. This seemed only fair to me: after all, they would do the same to me were our positions reversed.
Alas, now my empathy kicks in far too readily for me to be a proper dictator. Indeed, I’m so good at understanding where other people come from and seeing them as people rather than opponents that it’s taken all the fun out of arguing4. Now it just sort of depresses me when people want to throw down with me - the world is made of shades of grey, and everyone is the hero of their own story, and I’m rather painfully aware of this now. Plus, I get tired of the us vs. them attitude, even when it’s clear that we’re not going to come to any kind of middle ground. I don’t want to keep perpetuating that, even when I feel it keenly5. Besides, if I’m being honest here, I don’t really have any enemies: I’m pretty innocuous, despite all those descriptive adjectives up there, and I can’t see that changing even if I ruled the world.
After ridding the world of all dissenting opinions (yes, I’m cringing here too), I would clearly be free to do whatever I wanted! My every caprice would be satisfied, my every whim instantly fulfilled! World hunger and poverty? Poof! Be gone! Silly sound effects and a music track added to all actions! Free education for everyone! Inexhaustible supplies of chocolate for me in tribute to my greatness! Libraries would be more prevalent and popular than fast food places! My palace would be of ENORMOUS magnitude!
You see the problem here, yes? Almost all my actions as Cuddly Mistress of The Universe require a wand of wishing to implement, and honestly, I would be far more careful and judicious with my wishes than that6. Really, this was a sign that I was more reasonable than I let on - after all, the only way I’d be in charge is if some weird supernatural force were at play, so why not just go with it and assume that the job came with magic powers? Now, though, my overdeveloped sense of responsibility practically demands a singular course of action: if I were somehow gifted with such fabulous powers, the first thing I should do with them is get rid of whatever the hell is both willing and able to irresponsibly grant such unthinkable might, and then wish myself out of them too.
Right after granting myself more reasonable superpowers with less responsibility attached, of course.
~~~
1. Ok, maybe I could seize control of a few other things, like the schedule on which I feed myself. Maybe. That seems trickier, though. Taking care of small fuzzy helpless critters with a tendency to stand on my face and purr seems a lot easier.
2. Oftentimes it wasn't "World Leader" but rather "Supreme Dictator of the Universe" or "Galactic MegaEmpress" or other similarly grand titles. Like I said, I was into dreaming big.
3. Good reasons such as: putting up my wild flights of fancy, helping me brainstorm wacky LJ Idol entries, being ok with my anti-social ways when I need to go into a corner and write for a while, offering to provide chocolate and/or deadlines to motivate me to write and finish a novel, hugs, knowing when to ask me if I have a migraine since I’m so lousy at telling myself, reminding me to eat (see previous footnote about self-feeding schedule), puns, understanding when I need to not see them because I’m all peopled out, beta-reading, discussions about “the silver smurfer” and other similarly silly topics, being generally supportive, calling me on my bullshit, sending texts that make me giggle and grin, being fabulously geeky, LAN parties, playing boggle with me on my birthday (though only on my birthday), tolerating my quirks and encouraging me in all manner of pursuits (productive and otherwise), putting up with my scattered and cluttered and messy ways, reassuring me when I’m all wibbly and insecure, just generally being awesome, and much more. Friends, I love you tons. You’re awesome.
4. Yes, I used to like arguing. For those who didn’t know me then and know me now, this seems almost incomprehensible. I got a real kick out of Being Right On The Internet in particular, back in the day. I was a moderator for the ACLU online chatroom on AOL, for goodness sake. Debating and arguing and doing super fast fact-checking and otherwise keeping things interesting while keeping the peace was one of my favorite ways to pass the time. I, uh, got over it.
5. And oh, believe me, I feel it keenly sometimes. I have very strong political and personal opinions, and of course they seem quite sensible and right to me. When faced with someone spewing hatred or being totally irrational about something or telling me that my worldview or lifestyle is fundamentally wrong, I get pretty unhappy. But doing the same with them isn’t going to do anything other than create a fleeting and momentary sense of superiority in each of us as we clash. I’d rather not give the people I disagree with the satisfaction.
6. Like many geeks, I have spent countless hours carefully considering the details of my wishes, should I ever be in a position to make them. Because that’s a totally reasonable way to spend my time.