Beedle dee, Deedle dee dee!
First day of school, last day of school...all the same in the end. I was back today, haunting the halls that I used to haunt not two months ago and the second I walked through the door it seemed as if I'd never left. It seemed to me that I had been going there all along, subconsciously, physically. I was there in the past, I will be there in the future and though I am not there right now I will always be there. Not in heart or mind but in the eternal present that has inevitably become the past. I do not understand time. It mocks me and I do nothing.
I feel like I am floating, drifting, wandering along with my eyes shut and falling all at once but never going anywhere. I do not have control of my brain or my heart or even my feet and it drives me to the brink of my sanity. My life is an eternal dream but not a lucid one; I can scarce garner enough energy to move, to be motivated, to care. How can I have such great ambitions and so little will?
I hate being the one that sits in the corner and blankly stares out into the empty air. I hate being bound by reticence, being eerily silent, just sitting there, staring. My mind is filled with the words of a thousand years past of a hundred other people greater than I and yet when it comes time to make conversation I always draw a blank...I never have anything to say. In my head, I have elaborate conversations in old English as I would in an Oscar Wilde play...is that sick? Merely pathetic? I care not.
Am I making any sense? Probably not but I care little for coherence today.
My classes aren't bad, or at least they do not seem it yet. Shall I run through the day? I've noting else I'm doing at the moment so I may as well...
This morning I got in the car and what did I learn? I cannot make coffee. It tasted as if I was drinking boiling creamer water. Gross. I went without the coffee.
Homeroom -- my teacher was quite businesslike but not entirely heartless. She is older. I think I sort of like her. She has a PhD brand pen and she likes to use it to check things off of her to-do list in broad, sweeping strokes. It made me smile.
Megha walked in behind me. It is nice that she is in my homeroom again. Finally, someone to speak with in the morning. I must find some other time to read my McSweeney's. It was weird...I was the first one on the list, alphabetically...
Physics -- I don't mind this. I mean, yes it is first thing in the morning but my teacher has a decidedly un-Smith disposition and I LOVE that. It made me hopeful. We did a mini-lab and I was half-asleep. I will miss four days of this class when I go to Germany.
Math -- Elizabeth and Stephanie are in my math class. I"m not sure what to make of the teacher. WE shall see, I suppose. All throughout the class, there was this eerie, awful music playing softly over the loudspeaker. Audible but quiet enough to make one think it might be imagined...there was laughter.
Creative Writing -- this could be an interesting class...I hope to learn something. I don't really speak with anyone in there...I don't really speak with anyone at all. Maybe David Eggers was correct...I should take a correspondence course. Well, he is Dave Eggers; he is always right.
We had free time at the end of the class. I observed this heavy girl wearing a lot of lavendar reading some sort of fantasy fiction novel. If she's perfectly happy, there's nothing wrong with it but...I really do not wish to be her...I felt like her a bit...except with cooler reading material. Haha. I am so very pretentious and bitter and awful. Someone shoudl kill me and stop the madness...
I had second lunch in the middle of this class...very, very strange. I hate lunch. I always hate lunch. I have nothing to say and I don't like to eat. Again with my lack of words.
Gym -- I walked in at the opposite end of the gym after eveyone else was already there. It felt sort of like a runway walking down there in my heels...I don't ever wish to wear flats again. Well, that's not entirely true but...
There were many people with whom in am acquainted in my gym class. It shouldn't be too painful...as far as gym goes. I couldn't climb onto the bleachers in this skirt so I stood around for a while. Towards the end of class, Elizabeth and I asked about making up classes for when we go to Germany. We were told they could be made up in advance. I am so very excited.
After school we went to talk to Miss Murphy briefly and then I walked home. Not an awful day...just a regular one. I feel as if I'm back after a brief hiatus...a weekend not an entire season-long holiday. I didn't feel any pressure from my nerves...I didn't feel anything. It was just another day...and there is an every shrinking number of days left that will be spent in such a manner. I am more than half done high school...two years from now I could be in England, living. I hope my reticence does not follow me across the ocean. If it does, I'll have to murder it, which will be the best for the both of us.
I feel like I am floating, drifting, wandering along with my eyes shut and falling all at once but never going anywhere. I do not have control of my brain or my heart or even my feet and it drives me to the brink of my sanity. My life is an eternal dream but not a lucid one; I can scarce garner enough energy to move, to be motivated, to care. How can I have such great ambitions and so little will?
I hate being the one that sits in the corner and blankly stares out into the empty air. I hate being bound by reticence, being eerily silent, just sitting there, staring. My mind is filled with the words of a thousand years past of a hundred other people greater than I and yet when it comes time to make conversation I always draw a blank...I never have anything to say. In my head, I have elaborate conversations in old English as I would in an Oscar Wilde play...is that sick? Merely pathetic? I care not.
Am I making any sense? Probably not but I care little for coherence today.
My classes aren't bad, or at least they do not seem it yet. Shall I run through the day? I've noting else I'm doing at the moment so I may as well...
This morning I got in the car and what did I learn? I cannot make coffee. It tasted as if I was drinking boiling creamer water. Gross. I went without the coffee.
Homeroom -- my teacher was quite businesslike but not entirely heartless. She is older. I think I sort of like her. She has a PhD brand pen and she likes to use it to check things off of her to-do list in broad, sweeping strokes. It made me smile.
Megha walked in behind me. It is nice that she is in my homeroom again. Finally, someone to speak with in the morning. I must find some other time to read my McSweeney's. It was weird...I was the first one on the list, alphabetically...
Physics -- I don't mind this. I mean, yes it is first thing in the morning but my teacher has a decidedly un-Smith disposition and I LOVE that. It made me hopeful. We did a mini-lab and I was half-asleep. I will miss four days of this class when I go to Germany.
Math -- Elizabeth and Stephanie are in my math class. I"m not sure what to make of the teacher. WE shall see, I suppose. All throughout the class, there was this eerie, awful music playing softly over the loudspeaker. Audible but quiet enough to make one think it might be imagined...there was laughter.
Creative Writing -- this could be an interesting class...I hope to learn something. I don't really speak with anyone in there...I don't really speak with anyone at all. Maybe David Eggers was correct...I should take a correspondence course. Well, he is Dave Eggers; he is always right.
We had free time at the end of the class. I observed this heavy girl wearing a lot of lavendar reading some sort of fantasy fiction novel. If she's perfectly happy, there's nothing wrong with it but...I really do not wish to be her...I felt like her a bit...except with cooler reading material. Haha. I am so very pretentious and bitter and awful. Someone shoudl kill me and stop the madness...
I had second lunch in the middle of this class...very, very strange. I hate lunch. I always hate lunch. I have nothing to say and I don't like to eat. Again with my lack of words.
Gym -- I walked in at the opposite end of the gym after eveyone else was already there. It felt sort of like a runway walking down there in my heels...I don't ever wish to wear flats again. Well, that's not entirely true but...
There were many people with whom in am acquainted in my gym class. It shouldn't be too painful...as far as gym goes. I couldn't climb onto the bleachers in this skirt so I stood around for a while. Towards the end of class, Elizabeth and I asked about making up classes for when we go to Germany. We were told they could be made up in advance. I am so very excited.
After school we went to talk to Miss Murphy briefly and then I walked home. Not an awful day...just a regular one. I feel as if I'm back after a brief hiatus...a weekend not an entire season-long holiday. I didn't feel any pressure from my nerves...I didn't feel anything. It was just another day...and there is an every shrinking number of days left that will be spent in such a manner. I am more than half done high school...two years from now I could be in England, living. I hope my reticence does not follow me across the ocean. If it does, I'll have to murder it, which will be the best for the both of us.