Cornier than ethanol, cheesier than provolone, I'm awesome!
Now that I've caught your attention, close your browser. None of this will interest you.
Alyssa's mom is in stage 4 of cancer.
Are you kidding me? This isn't even kind of right.
This is my best friend, I've known her since I was in the womb, no joke. Her mom has played a huge role in my life. And now she has cancer? And she's well into it? Seriously?
My mom did a damn good job raising me, but she worked, a lot. I didn't have nearly enough strong female figures growing up, and the ones that I did have, I idolized. I still follow that pattern. I've got my "moms" at the farm, church, and such (which is one of my primary causes for the attachment to both, Jesus aside). There are few girls my age I can respect, but the ones I do, I cling to. Donna was definitely one of my "moms" growing up. This is all way to unbelievable.
^^ That I actually wrote the night I found out, but never got around to finishing this. I've talked to Alyssa & my mom more about it, and everything seems... better. I was super shocked at how positive Alyssa was about this. It would seem like the end of the world for me, but she's taking it so well, and I don't think she's putting up a front.
And then there is my mom and her positive thinking and it amazes me. She also reminded me that I literally wear my heart on my sleeve. I've got a heart-shaped freckle on my forearm, as does my mom, but hers is bigger & way more noticeable. Huh.
I went around and did some (a lot) of Facebook stalking, out of curiosity. I noticed that every girl I had any kind of relationship (for lack of a better word, this was all 9th-10th grade...) with, all are either married or dating guys. I only though one of them would end up with a guy. It's strange how people turn out after high school. And, well, naaah, I just love John :) I'm a... people person!
I passed out and stuff a few days ago. That was kinda cool.
Translate: I'm sick of not --excuse my french(freedom?)-- fucking being able to eat right. I hate that if I don't eat breakfast and I do take my medicine, I won't be able to eat. Then it'll be the end of the day and I'm starving. And everything I eat makes me sick to my stomach. But still hungry. I don't want a fucking eating disorder, I have no insecurity issues, I just want to get my damn school work done.
And at the beginning of the day, it seems so convenient. I'm in a rush to get out the door, I grab a pathetic excuse for a breakfast and I'm like "whatever, that's fine - I'll take my medicine and it won't matter." THAT'S NOT FREAKING COOL.
I'm might be over-sharing, but I feel a lot better about it knowing that I'm open about it, and not hiding anything. I've got no secrets.
So anyway, I passed out from waking up dehydrated & under-fed. I jumped out of bed when the alarm clock went off... assumed I was capable of using mouthwash and putting in contacts at the same time, spit out the mouthwash and hit the ground. I'm not gonna lie, it was kind of a cool feeling. But I'd rather not do that again. I didn't hit anything on the way down. That was the first time I've passed out though, minus the whole making yourself pass out deal. [yes, I'm more than aware of how stupid me and my entire graphics class were. I've seen the statistics...]
So, when stuff like that goes down. It seems like it's not worth it. But there are days when I eat the way I'm supposed to, and see that I'm getting really, really good grades for the first time in my life (and working 4 days/week on top of that!) and I concentrate when I drive, and I'm in a better mood, and a lot of anxiety goes away.
This situation is lame.
I could spin so easily into you
If I let myself go
I could let my wildest dream come true...
...Trouble is, I like the taste too much and I can't think straight
People change, and will you still be here after today
Trouble is, I feel like I could win or lose it all
I don't know which way to fall
On the more exciting side: I'm going to Kings Dominion tomorrow. I can't wait to ride their new roller coaster. Geek, I know. But, it's the closest thing to the roller coaster that caused my last major panic attack (pre-treatment) so in, some weird awkward dorky nerdy don't-make-fun-of-me way, it'll be a sort of "victory," for huuuge lack of a better word, for me. But, I'm also post-treatment, so I'm curious to see how it'll turn out. I'm not expecting any panic attacks, but I wasn't at Cedar Point either.
Yeah, I shouldn't be riding these 3 minute thrills if theres a chance of heart palpitations and what not... but they're fun.
I missed out on Easter dinner, like predicted. I went into work late anyway, but then things got messed up and it didn't work out. I was pretty pissed off about it. But I emailed my mom, realized she wasn't going to be here either. I went to work, bitched about it for a good 5 minutes and was in a really good mood for the rest of the day. Easter's about Jesus, can we ignore the family side of it? (but please not the candy!)
C'mon Becky, let's go for a ride
If I'm driving too fast then I apologize
But there's a world out there that we left behind
Full of souls as important as yours and mine
Looks like a reckless road, and a sacrifice
And I'm crazy scared it may cost our lives
But then I remember Jesus died...
My aunt Jane saw this in the Washington Post, and passed it on to us. Reminded me of my mom, and how lucky she is that she was arrested. If I recall correctly, she was told she would have had another month to live if she kept up her habits. She's now been clean & serene almost 50 months! It's been a nightmare, but it was certainly a miracle. This is definitely eye-opening, and should be passed on with anyone with any habit.
ANSELL LARAINE KIMBERLY PAYNE ANSELL December 7, 1963 - April 3, 1999 The Horror of Drugs The horror of drugs just can''t be described, unless you''ve been there, and known someone who''s died. The heartache and trauma you go through each day, adds up to a life-time that''s filled with dismay. The wall you build up to keep the pain out, can crumble and fall at times when it mounts. You always have hope, there might come a time, when you worry or find your child dying. You feel your heart tighten, like it''s caught in a vice You wonder if this time, she''ll pay the price. The turmoil you stay in, day in and day out, takes a toll on your heart as it quickly mounts. You beg and you pray that this nightmare will stop. You try to trudge forward with strength you''ve not got. Finally it happens...the day that you''ve dreaded... You knew from the start where it all headed. You get the phone call, you knew it would come... You didn''t ask questions cause you were too numb. You rushed to the hospital thinking...she might be revived. Though her eyes were open....she didn''t survive. You''d sit there and call her name over and over, thinking she''d answer and fully recover. But that didn''t happen, no way that it could... so you finally gave up and said good-bye for good. Written by Mom, Tricia Payne
I love Jesus, John, my mommy, my family, and Cox Farms. Good night!
Alyssa's mom is in stage 4 of cancer.
Are you kidding me? This isn't even kind of right.
This is my best friend, I've known her since I was in the womb, no joke. Her mom has played a huge role in my life. And now she has cancer? And she's well into it? Seriously?
My mom did a damn good job raising me, but she worked, a lot. I didn't have nearly enough strong female figures growing up, and the ones that I did have, I idolized. I still follow that pattern. I've got my "moms" at the farm, church, and such (which is one of my primary causes for the attachment to both, Jesus aside). There are few girls my age I can respect, but the ones I do, I cling to. Donna was definitely one of my "moms" growing up. This is all way to unbelievable.
^^ That I actually wrote the night I found out, but never got around to finishing this. I've talked to Alyssa & my mom more about it, and everything seems... better. I was super shocked at how positive Alyssa was about this. It would seem like the end of the world for me, but she's taking it so well, and I don't think she's putting up a front.
And then there is my mom and her positive thinking and it amazes me. She also reminded me that I literally wear my heart on my sleeve. I've got a heart-shaped freckle on my forearm, as does my mom, but hers is bigger & way more noticeable. Huh.
I went around and did some (a lot) of Facebook stalking, out of curiosity. I noticed that every girl I had any kind of relationship (for lack of a better word, this was all 9th-10th grade...) with, all are either married or dating guys. I only though one of them would end up with a guy. It's strange how people turn out after high school. And, well, naaah, I just love John :) I'm a... people person!
I passed out and stuff a few days ago. That was kinda cool.
Translate: I'm sick of not --excuse my french(freedom?)-- fucking being able to eat right. I hate that if I don't eat breakfast and I do take my medicine, I won't be able to eat. Then it'll be the end of the day and I'm starving. And everything I eat makes me sick to my stomach. But still hungry. I don't want a fucking eating disorder, I have no insecurity issues, I just want to get my damn school work done.
And at the beginning of the day, it seems so convenient. I'm in a rush to get out the door, I grab a pathetic excuse for a breakfast and I'm like "whatever, that's fine - I'll take my medicine and it won't matter." THAT'S NOT FREAKING COOL.
I'm might be over-sharing, but I feel a lot better about it knowing that I'm open about it, and not hiding anything. I've got no secrets.
So anyway, I passed out from waking up dehydrated & under-fed. I jumped out of bed when the alarm clock went off... assumed I was capable of using mouthwash and putting in contacts at the same time, spit out the mouthwash and hit the ground. I'm not gonna lie, it was kind of a cool feeling. But I'd rather not do that again. I didn't hit anything on the way down. That was the first time I've passed out though, minus the whole making yourself pass out deal. [yes, I'm more than aware of how stupid me and my entire graphics class were. I've seen the statistics...]
So, when stuff like that goes down. It seems like it's not worth it. But there are days when I eat the way I'm supposed to, and see that I'm getting really, really good grades for the first time in my life (and working 4 days/week on top of that!) and I concentrate when I drive, and I'm in a better mood, and a lot of anxiety goes away.
This situation is lame.
I could spin so easily into you
If I let myself go
I could let my wildest dream come true...
...Trouble is, I like the taste too much and I can't think straight
People change, and will you still be here after today
Trouble is, I feel like I could win or lose it all
I don't know which way to fall
On the more exciting side: I'm going to Kings Dominion tomorrow. I can't wait to ride their new roller coaster. Geek, I know. But, it's the closest thing to the roller coaster that caused my last major panic attack (pre-treatment) so in, some weird awkward dorky nerdy don't-make-fun-of-me way, it'll be a sort of "victory," for huuuge lack of a better word, for me. But, I'm also post-treatment, so I'm curious to see how it'll turn out. I'm not expecting any panic attacks, but I wasn't at Cedar Point either.
Yeah, I shouldn't be riding these 3 minute thrills if theres a chance of heart palpitations and what not... but they're fun.
I missed out on Easter dinner, like predicted. I went into work late anyway, but then things got messed up and it didn't work out. I was pretty pissed off about it. But I emailed my mom, realized she wasn't going to be here either. I went to work, bitched about it for a good 5 minutes and was in a really good mood for the rest of the day. Easter's about Jesus, can we ignore the family side of it? (but please not the candy!)
C'mon Becky, let's go for a ride
If I'm driving too fast then I apologize
But there's a world out there that we left behind
Full of souls as important as yours and mine
Looks like a reckless road, and a sacrifice
And I'm crazy scared it may cost our lives
But then I remember Jesus died...
My aunt Jane saw this in the Washington Post, and passed it on to us. Reminded me of my mom, and how lucky she is that she was arrested. If I recall correctly, she was told she would have had another month to live if she kept up her habits. She's now been clean & serene almost 50 months! It's been a nightmare, but it was certainly a miracle. This is definitely eye-opening, and should be passed on with anyone with any habit.
ANSELL LARAINE KIMBERLY PAYNE ANSELL December 7, 1963 - April 3, 1999 The Horror of Drugs The horror of drugs just can''t be described, unless you''ve been there, and known someone who''s died. The heartache and trauma you go through each day, adds up to a life-time that''s filled with dismay. The wall you build up to keep the pain out, can crumble and fall at times when it mounts. You always have hope, there might come a time, when you worry or find your child dying. You feel your heart tighten, like it''s caught in a vice You wonder if this time, she''ll pay the price. The turmoil you stay in, day in and day out, takes a toll on your heart as it quickly mounts. You beg and you pray that this nightmare will stop. You try to trudge forward with strength you''ve not got. Finally it happens...the day that you''ve dreaded... You knew from the start where it all headed. You get the phone call, you knew it would come... You didn''t ask questions cause you were too numb. You rushed to the hospital thinking...she might be revived. Though her eyes were open....she didn''t survive. You''d sit there and call her name over and over, thinking she''d answer and fully recover. But that didn''t happen, no way that it could... so you finally gave up and said good-bye for good. Written by Mom, Tricia Payne
I love Jesus, John, my mommy, my family, and Cox Farms. Good night!