just shutup & sleep.
I don't know where I'm going in life. I only kind of know who I am.
But, I do know where I came from. And part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from.
I was raised by a single mom, a business owner, some millionaires, some welfare & food stamps, an alcoholic [while I'd rather not give him any credit, I guess you could say he played a part], Dr. Phil, Oprah, a landlord, an addict, a recovering addict, a gay brother/best friend, a hippie, a farmer, a Christian, a classy hillbilly, a prisoner, a real estate agent, a dreamer.
I didn't have a normal upbringing. The values my mom & grandparents taught & supported weren't always the norm. But everything they taught me was essential, and it's sad that a lot of it isn't part of the regular "curriculum" of parenting.
-"Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" lays out the most important, basic rules of life: Share, play fair, don't hit, clean up after yourself, put things where you found them, say you're sorry, wash your hands, flush, warm cookies & milk are good for you, learn/think/draw/paint/sing/dance/play/work every day, watch out for traffic & hold hands, be aware of wonder, everything dies [mom will argue this in a following point, and LOOK.
-Mom's most recent lesson she passed on to me: "The secret to life is to die before you die & find out there is no death"
-I wasn't born in the south, I was born to southerners. Country music is better [I had an Billy Ray Cyrus 8-concert streak by the ripe ol' age of 8]. Girls can drive trucks too. "Yee-haw," "y'all" and "yonder" are the only necessary words in the "Y" part of the dictionary. Chevy's are better than Fords. Southern Baptist church's are all about fried chicken & mashed potatoes, not turn or burn. Being a high-class hillbilly is more respectable than a snobby rich bitch.. my grandma is awesome.
-When you find something you like, stick to it & then accelerate it.
-Treat Native American's with respect, they were here first & we screwed it all up for them. Mom taught me a lot of their values and culture. I'm ashamed to say I'm her daughter and I don't have a dream catcher.
-Everyone poops, farts, and burps. Even girls.
-Conservative Democrats and Liberal Republicans is not an oxymoron.
-Verbally lend money. Mentally give it.
-"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is the worst quote ever. Because my mom said so. It was never trash, it was unrealized treasure.
-Dream.
-There are first-time, non-violent, white collar women & men in prison that are blind, in wheelchairs, deaf, 80 years old, or suffering from a terminal illness... there's someone of any type of situation locked up. Our justice system blows.
-Read Napoleon Hill & Dale Carnegie.
-You can't take it with you. You are, essentially, spending your kids money.
-See that painted picture in the sky? God's an artist, too.
-Practice southern hospitality.
-When you get hugged, give a hug. Don't be awkward.
-Don't confuse when you should work and when you should play: make your play your work.
-God made dirt & dirt don't hurt.
-Love unconditionally.
-Time's have changed, girls can be chivalrous, but if the boys want to be, let 'em! I'm allowed to hold doors for people.
-Why do we waste time on time travel.. if they figured it out, they'd of been back by now.
-Swinging doors>pearly gates. Sawdust roads>streets of gold. Patsy Cline>singing angels. Take me to Redneck Heaven.
-What comes around, goes around. The truth always comes out.
This isn't even a fraction of what they've taught me, just some recent lessons I've been thinking about.
I don't like blogging/journaling that flows. So I'll transition the way I want to: here's a transition.
I talked to John a little more thoroughly about my whole issue with him being unrecognized, unappreciated, ect. He sincerely stated that it doesn't bother him. I gave him every opportunity to say it did, but he wouldn't. He said it "sucks being shit on," but outside of me discussing him, it's never bothered him.
I just feel like it's any part of life, too. Family, friends, school, work, whatever. I'm over-appreciated and he's under-appreciated. It doesn't make sense, because for all of these - I go to him for guidance. He show's me how things are done, and that's how I learn. He takes a friend out to dinner, not a single thank you. I take a friend out to dinner, I'm rewarded? Ridiculous. He does the bulk of a project, puts my name on it, and I get more compliments, really? We spend hours doing unasked favors, and it's a "good job, Becky." John has great ideas, puts them together, but is to shy to show them off... I try to give him all the credit, but it's still a "that's awesome Becky!" John has an awesome display idea for work, shows me his plan, I help and it's "way to go Becky!" I'm starting to wonder if I have multiple personalities, or John is a figment of my imagination? Can someone give him some credit? The worst part is, it doesn't hurt his feelings. Just mine.
In the sappiest way I can possibly say it, I don't want him to be "cold in my shadow," while I've got all the "sunlight on my face," since he is after the "wind beneath my wings." Okay, so maybe I recently watched Beaches, but I can't get this out of my head, it is true and it's not fair.
When you hurt John, you hurt me. When your mean to him, I'm the one who goes home and cries about it. When I get credit for doing something that he was the total backbone for, it's not fair.
Whether you like him or not, I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't have the loyalty, compassion, or work-ethic [at home, especially] without him. If you like me so much, give him credit for him -- he's the reason you like me.
I think it bothers me the most when it comes to people who knew me before I was with him. You can see the obvious changes, so recognize the cause, not me.
moving along again.
Easter is coming and I've got a lot of sensitivity towards it. It was my first holiday that my mom wasn't home. John and I started dating that same day, it's our "biblical anniversary." My last memory of my cousin Steven was on Easter 13 or so years ago, taking a walk with him and my mom. After our walk, it poured. It seems it's rained every Easter since he died. He was one of my mom's best friends growing up, and what hurts her-hurts me. I don't remember much about him, but when John and I visited my family's cemetery a few years ago, I saw several graves of relatives I'd been much closer to, but broke down when I saw his. I work this year on Easter... this'll be the first holiday with my family I've missed & it's my fault.
I don't like that this'll be the first holiday I'll miss and it was the first holiday that mom missed. I don't know if it means anything.
I'd rather vent here to a few people that have to make an effort to read this, than post a short Facebook status to rant and rave. I almost want to quit Facebook entirely, but come Fall I believe it'll be my only connection to the outside world.
But, I do know where I came from. And part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from.
I was raised by a single mom, a business owner, some millionaires, some welfare & food stamps, an alcoholic [while I'd rather not give him any credit, I guess you could say he played a part], Dr. Phil, Oprah, a landlord, an addict, a recovering addict, a gay brother/best friend, a hippie, a farmer, a Christian, a classy hillbilly, a prisoner, a real estate agent, a dreamer.
I didn't have a normal upbringing. The values my mom & grandparents taught & supported weren't always the norm. But everything they taught me was essential, and it's sad that a lot of it isn't part of the regular "curriculum" of parenting.
-"Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" lays out the most important, basic rules of life: Share, play fair, don't hit, clean up after yourself, put things where you found them, say you're sorry, wash your hands, flush, warm cookies & milk are good for you, learn/think/draw/paint/sing/dance/play/work every day, watch out for traffic & hold hands, be aware of wonder, everything dies [mom will argue this in a following point, and LOOK.
-Mom's most recent lesson she passed on to me: "The secret to life is to die before you die & find out there is no death"
-I wasn't born in the south, I was born to southerners. Country music is better [I had an Billy Ray Cyrus 8-concert streak by the ripe ol' age of 8]. Girls can drive trucks too. "Yee-haw," "y'all" and "yonder" are the only necessary words in the "Y" part of the dictionary. Chevy's are better than Fords. Southern Baptist church's are all about fried chicken & mashed potatoes, not turn or burn. Being a high-class hillbilly is more respectable than a snobby rich bitch.. my grandma is awesome.
-When you find something you like, stick to it & then accelerate it.
-Treat Native American's with respect, they were here first & we screwed it all up for them. Mom taught me a lot of their values and culture. I'm ashamed to say I'm her daughter and I don't have a dream catcher.
-Everyone poops, farts, and burps. Even girls.
-Conservative Democrats and Liberal Republicans is not an oxymoron.
-Verbally lend money. Mentally give it.
-"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is the worst quote ever. Because my mom said so. It was never trash, it was unrealized treasure.
-Dream.
-There are first-time, non-violent, white collar women & men in prison that are blind, in wheelchairs, deaf, 80 years old, or suffering from a terminal illness... there's someone of any type of situation locked up. Our justice system blows.
-Read Napoleon Hill & Dale Carnegie.
-You can't take it with you. You are, essentially, spending your kids money.
-See that painted picture in the sky? God's an artist, too.
-Practice southern hospitality.
-When you get hugged, give a hug. Don't be awkward.
-Don't confuse when you should work and when you should play: make your play your work.
-God made dirt & dirt don't hurt.
-Love unconditionally.
-Time's have changed, girls can be chivalrous, but if the boys want to be, let 'em! I'm allowed to hold doors for people.
-Why do we waste time on time travel.. if they figured it out, they'd of been back by now.
-Swinging doors>pearly gates. Sawdust roads>streets of gold. Patsy Cline>singing angels. Take me to Redneck Heaven.
-What comes around, goes around. The truth always comes out.
This isn't even a fraction of what they've taught me, just some recent lessons I've been thinking about.
I don't like blogging/journaling that flows. So I'll transition the way I want to: here's a transition.
I talked to John a little more thoroughly about my whole issue with him being unrecognized, unappreciated, ect. He sincerely stated that it doesn't bother him. I gave him every opportunity to say it did, but he wouldn't. He said it "sucks being shit on," but outside of me discussing him, it's never bothered him.
I just feel like it's any part of life, too. Family, friends, school, work, whatever. I'm over-appreciated and he's under-appreciated. It doesn't make sense, because for all of these - I go to him for guidance. He show's me how things are done, and that's how I learn. He takes a friend out to dinner, not a single thank you. I take a friend out to dinner, I'm rewarded? Ridiculous. He does the bulk of a project, puts my name on it, and I get more compliments, really? We spend hours doing unasked favors, and it's a "good job, Becky." John has great ideas, puts them together, but is to shy to show them off... I try to give him all the credit, but it's still a "that's awesome Becky!" John has an awesome display idea for work, shows me his plan, I help and it's "way to go Becky!" I'm starting to wonder if I have multiple personalities, or John is a figment of my imagination? Can someone give him some credit? The worst part is, it doesn't hurt his feelings. Just mine.
In the sappiest way I can possibly say it, I don't want him to be "cold in my shadow," while I've got all the "sunlight on my face," since he is after the "wind beneath my wings." Okay, so maybe I recently watched Beaches, but I can't get this out of my head, it is true and it's not fair.
When you hurt John, you hurt me. When your mean to him, I'm the one who goes home and cries about it. When I get credit for doing something that he was the total backbone for, it's not fair.
Whether you like him or not, I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't have the loyalty, compassion, or work-ethic [at home, especially] without him. If you like me so much, give him credit for him -- he's the reason you like me.
I think it bothers me the most when it comes to people who knew me before I was with him. You can see the obvious changes, so recognize the cause, not me.
moving along again.
Easter is coming and I've got a lot of sensitivity towards it. It was my first holiday that my mom wasn't home. John and I started dating that same day, it's our "biblical anniversary." My last memory of my cousin Steven was on Easter 13 or so years ago, taking a walk with him and my mom. After our walk, it poured. It seems it's rained every Easter since he died. He was one of my mom's best friends growing up, and what hurts her-hurts me. I don't remember much about him, but when John and I visited my family's cemetery a few years ago, I saw several graves of relatives I'd been much closer to, but broke down when I saw his. I work this year on Easter... this'll be the first holiday with my family I've missed & it's my fault.
I don't like that this'll be the first holiday I'll miss and it was the first holiday that mom missed. I don't know if it means anything.
I'd rather vent here to a few people that have to make an effort to read this, than post a short Facebook status to rant and rave. I almost want to quit Facebook entirely, but come Fall I believe it'll be my only connection to the outside world.