This went from introspective to emo... fast..
I was sitting alone, going through myspace instead of doing homework and I realized something. I miss high school. Sure it was 4 years of unbearable torture and lonliness, save Andrew and Amanda, and I did absolutely nothing- even more nothing than now, I mean, now I atleast have lunch plans every day and concerts and shit to go to - but that's what I miss. I miss the excuse to actually be angry and upset all the time. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to embrace the fact that in 5 years (oh god, five more years of this...) I'm going to be a working and mature(-ish) member of society.
I like being sort of awkward and different. And as much as I make fun of people, I want to be one of those generic high school kids everyone seems to be these days- a billian facial piercings, dyed hair and a wardrobe from hot topic. I want to stand out for being the same as everyone else. It's weird to go to a concert and to be the only one not dressed like a whore. I went to THROWED on tuesday and I realized I have no slutty clothing. No ghastly mix of clashing clothes to make oneself cringe. And that made me depressed. I'm not normal. I've spent almost 8 years of my life on the computer. All my interactions are fantasy based, how I would act, not how I do. I live in my storybook world where I can control the environment.
I think a lot of it relates back to my bike accident. I think I was happy before that. I played sports, I had a life, I loved to participate in things. But my accident and a year on crutches and then another 6 months a year later after sort of prevented me from doing what I loved. Instead I became libary leader president and spent every waking moment in the library. I got lost in Lord of the Rings and Star Wars because they could have adventures I didn't. I think that's when I gave up on myself.
And a lot of this stems from my adoption issues. I spoke at a conferance and I never realized until they started asking questions how much I don't fit in. Well, I'm sure I sort of realized it, I can remember incidents in Kindergarten when kids made fun of me. Even last summer while working at camp kids made my of my eye shape. Kids, like, 8 year olds. Making fun of me. I've become more award in my status as an Asian American. The certain stereotypes and expectations. And I don't really fit into either of them. My school is diverse and has huge numbers of Asians, and I dont' fit in with them, because I'm not asian enough. I dont' have asian parents, and I don't speak chinese, and I don't eat with chopsticks, and I'm not skinny and perfect with long hair. I'm short, dumpy and can barely pronunce words. My speech therapist when I was 6 said I had all the sounds. I was just too lazy to speak them. And I try, I try to be normal, but I can't because I'm not Asian enough for the Asian kids, and not white enough for the caucasians. I'm trapped in the void between them, stuck on the fence and trying to find a way, anyway to get down.
I think that's why I miss high school. Because you know everyone else is awkward and unsure of themselves. And I think if I was at a liberal arts college what I'm feeling wouldn't be this intense, because it's liberal arts and everyone there is find themselves too. But at a professional, private college, they expect you to be able to buckle down (even though everyone is partying) and study and get your shit together. And it's just too much and they don't give you enough credit with so much empasis on grades and keeping up a professional appearance.
I'm going to stop before I break down again.
On a lighter note
Kaizers Orchestra is just too fucking amazing for words
I like being sort of awkward and different. And as much as I make fun of people, I want to be one of those generic high school kids everyone seems to be these days- a billian facial piercings, dyed hair and a wardrobe from hot topic. I want to stand out for being the same as everyone else. It's weird to go to a concert and to be the only one not dressed like a whore. I went to THROWED on tuesday and I realized I have no slutty clothing. No ghastly mix of clashing clothes to make oneself cringe. And that made me depressed. I'm not normal. I've spent almost 8 years of my life on the computer. All my interactions are fantasy based, how I would act, not how I do. I live in my storybook world where I can control the environment.
I think a lot of it relates back to my bike accident. I think I was happy before that. I played sports, I had a life, I loved to participate in things. But my accident and a year on crutches and then another 6 months a year later after sort of prevented me from doing what I loved. Instead I became libary leader president and spent every waking moment in the library. I got lost in Lord of the Rings and Star Wars because they could have adventures I didn't. I think that's when I gave up on myself.
And a lot of this stems from my adoption issues. I spoke at a conferance and I never realized until they started asking questions how much I don't fit in. Well, I'm sure I sort of realized it, I can remember incidents in Kindergarten when kids made fun of me. Even last summer while working at camp kids made my of my eye shape. Kids, like, 8 year olds. Making fun of me. I've become more award in my status as an Asian American. The certain stereotypes and expectations. And I don't really fit into either of them. My school is diverse and has huge numbers of Asians, and I dont' fit in with them, because I'm not asian enough. I dont' have asian parents, and I don't speak chinese, and I don't eat with chopsticks, and I'm not skinny and perfect with long hair. I'm short, dumpy and can barely pronunce words. My speech therapist when I was 6 said I had all the sounds. I was just too lazy to speak them. And I try, I try to be normal, but I can't because I'm not Asian enough for the Asian kids, and not white enough for the caucasians. I'm trapped in the void between them, stuck on the fence and trying to find a way, anyway to get down.
I think that's why I miss high school. Because you know everyone else is awkward and unsure of themselves. And I think if I was at a liberal arts college what I'm feeling wouldn't be this intense, because it's liberal arts and everyone there is find themselves too. But at a professional, private college, they expect you to be able to buckle down (even though everyone is partying) and study and get your shit together. And it's just too much and they don't give you enough credit with so much empasis on grades and keeping up a professional appearance.
I'm going to stop before I break down again.
On a lighter note
Kaizers Orchestra is just too fucking amazing for words