the tree of life reading
bill and i had another fight yesterday and the night before and him not being ready for another child. i got some clarity from megan, bless her heart, about allowing him to grieve how he needs to. i realized that i was rushing him, doubting his love for oliver, doubting his love for me. he told me some harsh truths about his thoughts the day oliver was born. about how horrified he was. i took offense instead of reaching out with understanding. megan brought up the point that my dad didn't hold oliver. not because he doesn't love him, but because he couldn't bring himself to hardly even look at his dead grandson. so i realized that compassion needs to be extended instead of putting more guilt on him for not being ready for another child and not being certain that he even wants one. he's processing. just as have done.
the reading:
You, your state of mind at the moment: The Morrigan
i've been fighting, wresting with how to find this sense of renewal.
What is under you, supporting you: Mistltoe, Daghdha
i have my fertility. i am being protected. i am being healed. this is all divine.
despite my yelling, despite my being mean, bill is always there to support me. he doesn't blame me for feeling the way i do. he forgives me no matter what. i have much to learn from him.
The immediate future: The Dolmen (note the daisies)
a focus on oliver. tomorrow is five months since he died, then five months since he was born. but even further out from that, i need to devote more time to getting to know him. to connecting with him and feeling him. like renee said yesterday: he's all around me. he's more present now that he's ever been.
External influences affecting the situation: The Horse
the influence of my friends and counselor. the excitement they have about us having another baby. the fact that people get more excited when i talk about that than they do about oliver. so i change my focus. when, simply, it isn't time yet to move forward in that way. but it will be the natural result of moving forward. (see below)
Possible hinderances affecting the situation: Taliesin
i have been listening to everyone else's experiences and advice but haven't focused on what is best for us. originality. what is it that works for us? as a result, the romance is dissolving. i've made this more about me and less about us.
Who or what can help: The Spring
for me: replenishment. resplenishing my spirit and my body. i want my body to feel strong again. i want a deeper connection with god. i want to be able to say that out loud to someone without being afraid.
How best to behave in this situation: The Boar
i think this is about taking care of myself. being proactive and determined.
What might improve the situation: Brooch
the keywords here say it all. joining. building bridges. bringing together. bill and i being a team again. not me over here grieving and him over there. not him supporting me and me just waiting for him. we have to come back together on this.
The way forward: Cauldron
abundance. of love, of trust, of togetherness. when we have gotten to that place that oliver intended us to be . . .
The end result: Mabon
then comes his sibling.
the reading:
You, your state of mind at the moment: The Morrigan
i've been fighting, wresting with how to find this sense of renewal.
What is under you, supporting you: Mistltoe, Daghdha
i have my fertility. i am being protected. i am being healed. this is all divine.
despite my yelling, despite my being mean, bill is always there to support me. he doesn't blame me for feeling the way i do. he forgives me no matter what. i have much to learn from him.
The immediate future: The Dolmen (note the daisies)
a focus on oliver. tomorrow is five months since he died, then five months since he was born. but even further out from that, i need to devote more time to getting to know him. to connecting with him and feeling him. like renee said yesterday: he's all around me. he's more present now that he's ever been.
External influences affecting the situation: The Horse
the influence of my friends and counselor. the excitement they have about us having another baby. the fact that people get more excited when i talk about that than they do about oliver. so i change my focus. when, simply, it isn't time yet to move forward in that way. but it will be the natural result of moving forward. (see below)
Possible hinderances affecting the situation: Taliesin
i have been listening to everyone else's experiences and advice but haven't focused on what is best for us. originality. what is it that works for us? as a result, the romance is dissolving. i've made this more about me and less about us.
Who or what can help: The Spring
for me: replenishment. resplenishing my spirit and my body. i want my body to feel strong again. i want a deeper connection with god. i want to be able to say that out loud to someone without being afraid.
How best to behave in this situation: The Boar
i think this is about taking care of myself. being proactive and determined.
What might improve the situation: Brooch
the keywords here say it all. joining. building bridges. bringing together. bill and i being a team again. not me over here grieving and him over there. not him supporting me and me just waiting for him. we have to come back together on this.
The way forward: Cauldron
abundance. of love, of trust, of togetherness. when we have gotten to that place that oliver intended us to be . . .
The end result: Mabon
then comes his sibling.