(no subject)
It's Christmas day, today. I am sitting at home alone while Pablo is working. There are lots of things about this job that I do not like, but even if I didn't work there anymore today's situation would still be the same. Hopefully he will be home soon. It being Christmas doesn't really matter, but it is nice to have an extra day to sleep in. Our dogs never let me sleep past 9am. Today if felt like I slept much longer until they started barking and made me get up. It was 9:10.
The last year or two I have felt pretty good during this whole holiday season. For years I just felt really depressed during this time of year. I don't really know why I felt that way, but it made me kind of dread the holidays knowing that the feeling was creeping in. We haven't done anything differently this year or last, and we certainly aren't any better off, so I don't know why I am feeling better. I guess I shouldn't question it, just accept it and be grateful.
Although I have overall been feeling good, this past week had some not so great spots. For starters I think it is time to give up on a friendship I have had since I was a kid. Through junior high and high school I felt really close to a certain person. I have always been convinced that we knew each other in a former life and will in the next also. That is just how strongly I cared about this person and felt connected to them. You get older though and talk less and less. I always got the impression that his wife didn't like me. I had this ridiculous vision in my head that when we moved here we'd become couple friends and the four of us would do things together. I think he is so great, so I can't imaging him having a wife that isn't also great. But whatever, she hated me I think. We all saw each other at our ten year high school reunion and we'd run into each other occasionally when they'd come into my store to shop when I worked retail. We hadn't really spoken though in about seven years when we spoke last time. I joked then that I'd talk to him in another seven years and he said he hoped it wasn't that long. So last week, after another two and a half years, I sent him a text just to say merry Christmas to him and his family. I didn't expect him to respond, I didn't even know if it was his phone number anymore. Instead of texting me back he called me. I was pretty excited when I saw him on my caller id, but the call was awful. He kept mentioning his wife and saying 'us' and 'we' in a strange way. Like I'd say, "how are you?" and he'd say "we are fine". Or, "what are you doing?" and he'd say "sitting here with my wife". He didn't even say her name, but 'my wife', like reminding me that he is married or something. There were pauses in the conversation like he was doing something else or not listening, like he was just bored with the very short conversation. I just don't know why he called at all. He didn't have to respond and easily could have just texted if he felt he had to. I hung up just feeling like that was it, that was the last time we will ever talk. I honestly just wanted to cry. There have been times in the past where I have felt like I am always the person pursuing the friendship with others. I've been the person to make the call or send the email to check in. With those people I just decided to stop, that the next time we would speak would be when they decided to reach out. Unfortunately, I never heard from any of those people ever again. I'm afraid this person is now going into that category. I will never reach out to him again. No call, text, email, nothing. If we speak it will be from him reaching out, and I fully expect that never to happen. Like, ever. Bums me out. I thought for sure he would be someone who is always in my life. I guess this is one of those times that you find out you just don't mean as much to others as they mean to you.
The second thing that happened this week was Pablo buying a gun. I hate it so much. I get why he wanted it, and he is his own person so it isn't like I can say no. This also just made me want to cry. I tried to be really uninvolved so he would get whatever he wanted. Leaving the store though with his purchase I definitely had a moment of telling myself not to cry. I've always had certain beliefs and stances on things, and this just made my world shift a bit. It may have been a small shift, but not one I would have wanted and a shift none the less.
Other than these things nothing has happened at all. I wake up, work, and come back home to sleep. I get frustrated with coworkers and yell at my dogs in between. The weather hasn't been awful. We haven't made any kind of progress of any kind on either of our properties. I know I said earlier that I was feeling pretty good, but after writing this all out I have a bit of self induced sadness here. I should really stop before I am feeling worse. Such petty things getting me down.
The last year or two I have felt pretty good during this whole holiday season. For years I just felt really depressed during this time of year. I don't really know why I felt that way, but it made me kind of dread the holidays knowing that the feeling was creeping in. We haven't done anything differently this year or last, and we certainly aren't any better off, so I don't know why I am feeling better. I guess I shouldn't question it, just accept it and be grateful.
Although I have overall been feeling good, this past week had some not so great spots. For starters I think it is time to give up on a friendship I have had since I was a kid. Through junior high and high school I felt really close to a certain person. I have always been convinced that we knew each other in a former life and will in the next also. That is just how strongly I cared about this person and felt connected to them. You get older though and talk less and less. I always got the impression that his wife didn't like me. I had this ridiculous vision in my head that when we moved here we'd become couple friends and the four of us would do things together. I think he is so great, so I can't imaging him having a wife that isn't also great. But whatever, she hated me I think. We all saw each other at our ten year high school reunion and we'd run into each other occasionally when they'd come into my store to shop when I worked retail. We hadn't really spoken though in about seven years when we spoke last time. I joked then that I'd talk to him in another seven years and he said he hoped it wasn't that long. So last week, after another two and a half years, I sent him a text just to say merry Christmas to him and his family. I didn't expect him to respond, I didn't even know if it was his phone number anymore. Instead of texting me back he called me. I was pretty excited when I saw him on my caller id, but the call was awful. He kept mentioning his wife and saying 'us' and 'we' in a strange way. Like I'd say, "how are you?" and he'd say "we are fine". Or, "what are you doing?" and he'd say "sitting here with my wife". He didn't even say her name, but 'my wife', like reminding me that he is married or something. There were pauses in the conversation like he was doing something else or not listening, like he was just bored with the very short conversation. I just don't know why he called at all. He didn't have to respond and easily could have just texted if he felt he had to. I hung up just feeling like that was it, that was the last time we will ever talk. I honestly just wanted to cry. There have been times in the past where I have felt like I am always the person pursuing the friendship with others. I've been the person to make the call or send the email to check in. With those people I just decided to stop, that the next time we would speak would be when they decided to reach out. Unfortunately, I never heard from any of those people ever again. I'm afraid this person is now going into that category. I will never reach out to him again. No call, text, email, nothing. If we speak it will be from him reaching out, and I fully expect that never to happen. Like, ever. Bums me out. I thought for sure he would be someone who is always in my life. I guess this is one of those times that you find out you just don't mean as much to others as they mean to you.
The second thing that happened this week was Pablo buying a gun. I hate it so much. I get why he wanted it, and he is his own person so it isn't like I can say no. This also just made me want to cry. I tried to be really uninvolved so he would get whatever he wanted. Leaving the store though with his purchase I definitely had a moment of telling myself not to cry. I've always had certain beliefs and stances on things, and this just made my world shift a bit. It may have been a small shift, but not one I would have wanted and a shift none the less.
Other than these things nothing has happened at all. I wake up, work, and come back home to sleep. I get frustrated with coworkers and yell at my dogs in between. The weather hasn't been awful. We haven't made any kind of progress of any kind on either of our properties. I know I said earlier that I was feeling pretty good, but after writing this all out I have a bit of self induced sadness here. I should really stop before I am feeling worse. Such petty things getting me down.