waking up to you never felt so real (1/10)
Title: waking up to you never felt so real
Fandom: 90210
Pairing: Ryan/Silver
Genre: Angst/Drama/Friendship
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't be ridiculous
Warnings: Um, bad words, mentions of alcoholism, inappropriate relationship
Chapter title: sinking in a sense of self
Summary: It didn’t really change anything if he was being completely honest.
Author's Notes: I’ve been sitting on this for almost a year, and I finally decided to post it for 10_snuggles, whoo! This is clearly AT, which stands for alternate timeline. It’s still set in the good ol’ crazy world at West Bev, but obviously I’ve drastically changed things, no bipolar Silver, no Dixon/Silver over and over, no Ryan being used by crazy women and so and so forth. This is the story of Ryan and Silver and the relationship that the writers did not have the guts to go through with, set to the wonderful music of Skillet. Hope y’all enjoy it! Reviews help feed the plot bunnies!
------=-----
I’m so cold and I wonder
How’d I make it this long without you
Pull me out, out from under
On the cycle back to you
------=------
He leaned against the doorway, watching her curled up on his couch, the steady rise and fall of her chest signaling sleep. His heart ached more than just a little for the predicament that she was in, and he wanted more than anything to be able to help her. That was why she was there, because she had nowhere else to go, and he was willing to help her, any way he was able, he’d do it. He watched as she shivered, curling up into a ball, and he walked over to the couch, pulling the blanket off the back of it and wrapping it around her. She gave a tiny sigh of relief, unconsciously pulling the blanket tighter around her. He gave a tiny smile, reaching out to tuck a strand of her dark hair behind her ear as he allowed himself to remember how she came to his apartment in the first place.
------=-----
He sat at his desk, finishing up grading the last of his students’ essays. He gave a sigh, glancing at the clock above his door, it was past 5, definitely time to leave. He shoved all of his things into his messenger bag (because he was SO not a briefcase type of guy), before locking up his classroom and heading out. When he was halfway to the parking lot, he paused, noticing a distinctively human shape slumped against a tree. He was a curious guy by nature and he wanted to make sure the person was alright, so he made his way over. To say he was surprised at just exactly who said person was would’ve been quite the understatement, “Silver?”
She started at his voice, quickly shutting her notebook, looking up at him, “Mr. Matthews.” She stated by way of greeting.
“What are you doing out here?”
“…sitting?”
He gave her a look, “I mean, what are you doing out here so late?”
“It’s only a little past 6.”
He shook his head, “You don’t stay at school any longer than you have to.”
“What makes you think I don’t have some after-school activity?”
“Because you hate those things.”
She gave a tiny smirk, “True.”
“So, tell the truth, what’s going on?”
She sighed, “Does it matter?”
“I wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t.”
She made a face, shoving her notebook into her backpack in an attempt to look busy and not have to look up at him. He waited patiently, waiting for her to speak, and she sighed when she realized he wasn’t going anywhere, “It really doesn’t matter, okay? It’s not important.”
“It’s important to me.” He stated softly.
She looked up at him in surprise, a flicker of something he couldn’t identify in her eyes before he blinked and it was gone, “It shouldn’t be.”
“But it is, so I really wish you’d tell me.”
She blinked hard, not used to an adult other than her sister and her brother caring anything about her, “It’s just…” she shrugged, “it’s easier to stay out here than go anywhere else.”
He understood what she was talking about before he could really understand it, “You can’t go home, can you?”
She looked up with startled eyes, “How…”
“Been there, done that,” he gave a sardonic smile before frowning, “but I thought your mother was sober again.”
“She was…for a little while. And it was really good when she was, she was like…my mom again, I loved it,” she sighed, just barely resisting the urge to cry, “but then she saw my dad with another of his many girlfriends and just fell apart again. It didn’t matter that they had been broken up since forever ago. I think she just wanted an excuse to drink again.”
He exhaled slowly, shaking his head, “I’m sorry, Silver.”
“You shouldn’t apologize, s’not your fault, it just…really sucks.”
“So, you can’t go home…can you go stay with Kelly again?”
She shook her head frantically, “No, I’m not going to do that again. She has Sammy to take care of. It’s hard enough raising a toddler, she doesn’t need to be saddled with me too, once was enough. I refuse to be a burden again.”
“Silver…you think you’re a burden?”
“Well, it’s true, isn’t it? I mean, my mom wouldn’t have started drinking again if there wasn’t something wrong with me.”
He exhaled slowly, forcing back his anger at a woman he had never even met before, “Don’t ever think you’re a burden, okay? Any problems your mother has are because of her, not you, never you. Your mother is damn lucky to have you, and if she can’t see that, then it’s her problem, not yours, and you’re not at fault.”
His vehemence in that statement surprised her, left her a little shell-shocked even, and she blinked up at him, “You…really believe that?”
“More than you know.”
She swallowed hard, tucking a lock of dark hair behind her ear for lack of anything better to do. It had been awhile since somebody had just…believed in her like this. It confused her. And she didn’t know what to say. Which left her irritated, being speechless had never been an issue for her until now, if she had something to say, she’d say it, and damn the consequences. As if sensing her discomfort, he spoke up again, “Your brother?”
She snorted, “David and Donna live in Japan, given where I go to school, definitely not happening.”
“Your dad?”
Her look was answer enough, and he winced slightly, “Okay, so…family members are a no-go…friends?”
“God, no, I’d rather give the shelters another go. I mean, I love my friends, but…”
“Friends just don’t get it sometimes.”
“Exactly.”
He ran a hand through his hair, debating his next words. He damn well wasn’t going to let her stay in a shelter, and despite whatever he said, he knew she wasn’t going to change her opinion about being a burden anytime soon, he knew how she felt all too well, so, really…he didn’t exactly have a choice, and couldn’t quite stop his next words, “Stay with me tonight.”
She raised an eyebrow, obviously shocked, “Excuse me?”
He backpedaled quickly, “Not like that, obviously, I just meant, you’ve got nowhere else to go, right?”
“Right…”
“And you don’t want to be a burden to anybody, right?”
“Right…”
“So, do you have a better idea?”
She thought over her options, really, if she was being honest with herself…staying with him did sound like the best route to go, “Alright.”
------=-----
So here she was. Curled up on his couch, looking more peaceful than he had ever seen her. He wished he could help her beyond giving her a place to stay for the night, or…however long she chose to stay. He knew what problems could come of it. It would be a hell of a lot worse than the whole Kimberly disaster. Because at least then he had an excuse. He really didn’t have one now. He could’ve called her dad, her sister, anyone, he didn’t have to take her in. But he understood more than anyone what she was going through, he had been in the same situation when he was younger. He wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on his worst enemy. He started to move towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water when she made a noise in the back of her throat. He paused, listening intently as she started to speak, obviously still in the throes of sleep, “Please, Mom…stop, don’t do this.”
Nightmare, he concluded easily, no other way around it. He moved closer to her as Silver continued to murmur, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, please…”
His heart clenched at her pain. Should he wake her? If he was in her position, he would definitely want somebody to wake him up. When he inched his hand closer to her shoulder, she seemed to sense a presence, not necessarily his, but a presence all the same, and tensed up, her voice increasing in volume, “I’m not a bad person! I’m not! Please, just leave me alone!”
Alright, enough was enough. He grabbed her shoulder, shaking her, “Silver, wake up.”
Instantly, she woke up with a howl. Loud and piercing enough that it made him wince, and he quickly scrambled onto the couch, cradling her close, trying to quiet her. He didn’t need his neighbors to wake up and complain, but mostly, he just wanted her to stop so his heart would stop hurting. She curled herself around him, shaking and sobbing into his t-shirt, he smoothed her unruly locks of hair down, “Shhh…it’s alright, Silver, you’re safe, you’re safe.”
It took him minutes of whispering reassurance into her ear before she finally calmed down, and looked up at him, “Oh, God, Mr. Matthews, I’m so sorry.”
It was clear to him that when she had thrown herself into his arms, she had still been partly caught in her nightmare, and she just wanted somebody, anybody to comfort her, and she was just now realizing who that somebody was, “It’s alright, Silver, don’t apologize.”
She swiped at her tears, blushing when she noticed that she had an arm wrapped around his middle, and he had his arms wrapped around her waist, but she made no move to pull away, so neither did he, “God, that was the worst nightmare ever.”
“Care to talk?”
She shrugged, allowing herself the comfort of snuggling closer to him, face buried in his shirt, “Just…my mom being a total bitch. You know, like usual.”
He kissed her forehead, and she made a tiny noise of pleasure in the back of her throat, “I wish there was something I could do to help.”
“Just letting me stay here is help enough,” she looked up at him, her eyes meeting his, “thank you, Mr. Matthews.”
For some reason, hearing that sounded all wrong, at least in this situation, “Ryan.” He blurted out before he could even think about it.
“What?”
“Call me Ryan,” he elaborated, “at least when you’re here.”
It didn’t really change anything if he was being completely honest. Didn’t change the fact that beyond the walls of his apartment he was still a teacher, and she was still his student. Didn’t change the age difference, or the thousand and one reasons how wrong this would look to anybody else, even without the teacher-student thing. But with her warm body in his arms and her trust in her eyes, he couldn’t make himself care overly much, “Okay.” She agreed.
He was going to make a move to get up and get that glass of water he had originally planned on getting when she made a sound of protest, he looked down at her brunette head, and wondered what was up, “Don’t go…can we just…stay like this, please?”
She sounded so small and lost, “I think…I think I can sleep like this.” He couldn’t say no to that, could he?
“Alright.” He relented.
She gave him a brilliant smile that made it all worth it, untangling the blanket around her body to wrap it around the both of them, before resting her head on his chest and almost immediately falling back to sleep. He just barely resisted the urge to chuckle, and instead kissed her forehead again. He didn’t mind this, not even a little. As long as he could help her. That was all that mattered. Everything else could be dealt with later.
------=-----
Fandom: 90210
Pairing: Ryan/Silver
Genre: Angst/Drama/Friendship
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't be ridiculous
Warnings: Um, bad words, mentions of alcoholism, inappropriate relationship
Chapter title: sinking in a sense of self
Summary: It didn’t really change anything if he was being completely honest.
Author's Notes: I’ve been sitting on this for almost a year, and I finally decided to post it for 10_snuggles, whoo! This is clearly AT, which stands for alternate timeline. It’s still set in the good ol’ crazy world at West Bev, but obviously I’ve drastically changed things, no bipolar Silver, no Dixon/Silver over and over, no Ryan being used by crazy women and so and so forth. This is the story of Ryan and Silver and the relationship that the writers did not have the guts to go through with, set to the wonderful music of Skillet. Hope y’all enjoy it! Reviews help feed the plot bunnies!
------=-----
I’m so cold and I wonder
How’d I make it this long without you
Pull me out, out from under
On the cycle back to you
------=------
He leaned against the doorway, watching her curled up on his couch, the steady rise and fall of her chest signaling sleep. His heart ached more than just a little for the predicament that she was in, and he wanted more than anything to be able to help her. That was why she was there, because she had nowhere else to go, and he was willing to help her, any way he was able, he’d do it. He watched as she shivered, curling up into a ball, and he walked over to the couch, pulling the blanket off the back of it and wrapping it around her. She gave a tiny sigh of relief, unconsciously pulling the blanket tighter around her. He gave a tiny smile, reaching out to tuck a strand of her dark hair behind her ear as he allowed himself to remember how she came to his apartment in the first place.
------=-----
He sat at his desk, finishing up grading the last of his students’ essays. He gave a sigh, glancing at the clock above his door, it was past 5, definitely time to leave. He shoved all of his things into his messenger bag (because he was SO not a briefcase type of guy), before locking up his classroom and heading out. When he was halfway to the parking lot, he paused, noticing a distinctively human shape slumped against a tree. He was a curious guy by nature and he wanted to make sure the person was alright, so he made his way over. To say he was surprised at just exactly who said person was would’ve been quite the understatement, “Silver?”
She started at his voice, quickly shutting her notebook, looking up at him, “Mr. Matthews.” She stated by way of greeting.
“What are you doing out here?”
“…sitting?”
He gave her a look, “I mean, what are you doing out here so late?”
“It’s only a little past 6.”
He shook his head, “You don’t stay at school any longer than you have to.”
“What makes you think I don’t have some after-school activity?”
“Because you hate those things.”
She gave a tiny smirk, “True.”
“So, tell the truth, what’s going on?”
She sighed, “Does it matter?”
“I wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t.”
She made a face, shoving her notebook into her backpack in an attempt to look busy and not have to look up at him. He waited patiently, waiting for her to speak, and she sighed when she realized he wasn’t going anywhere, “It really doesn’t matter, okay? It’s not important.”
“It’s important to me.” He stated softly.
She looked up at him in surprise, a flicker of something he couldn’t identify in her eyes before he blinked and it was gone, “It shouldn’t be.”
“But it is, so I really wish you’d tell me.”
She blinked hard, not used to an adult other than her sister and her brother caring anything about her, “It’s just…” she shrugged, “it’s easier to stay out here than go anywhere else.”
He understood what she was talking about before he could really understand it, “You can’t go home, can you?”
She looked up with startled eyes, “How…”
“Been there, done that,” he gave a sardonic smile before frowning, “but I thought your mother was sober again.”
“She was…for a little while. And it was really good when she was, she was like…my mom again, I loved it,” she sighed, just barely resisting the urge to cry, “but then she saw my dad with another of his many girlfriends and just fell apart again. It didn’t matter that they had been broken up since forever ago. I think she just wanted an excuse to drink again.”
He exhaled slowly, shaking his head, “I’m sorry, Silver.”
“You shouldn’t apologize, s’not your fault, it just…really sucks.”
“So, you can’t go home…can you go stay with Kelly again?”
She shook her head frantically, “No, I’m not going to do that again. She has Sammy to take care of. It’s hard enough raising a toddler, she doesn’t need to be saddled with me too, once was enough. I refuse to be a burden again.”
“Silver…you think you’re a burden?”
“Well, it’s true, isn’t it? I mean, my mom wouldn’t have started drinking again if there wasn’t something wrong with me.”
He exhaled slowly, forcing back his anger at a woman he had never even met before, “Don’t ever think you’re a burden, okay? Any problems your mother has are because of her, not you, never you. Your mother is damn lucky to have you, and if she can’t see that, then it’s her problem, not yours, and you’re not at fault.”
His vehemence in that statement surprised her, left her a little shell-shocked even, and she blinked up at him, “You…really believe that?”
“More than you know.”
She swallowed hard, tucking a lock of dark hair behind her ear for lack of anything better to do. It had been awhile since somebody had just…believed in her like this. It confused her. And she didn’t know what to say. Which left her irritated, being speechless had never been an issue for her until now, if she had something to say, she’d say it, and damn the consequences. As if sensing her discomfort, he spoke up again, “Your brother?”
She snorted, “David and Donna live in Japan, given where I go to school, definitely not happening.”
“Your dad?”
Her look was answer enough, and he winced slightly, “Okay, so…family members are a no-go…friends?”
“God, no, I’d rather give the shelters another go. I mean, I love my friends, but…”
“Friends just don’t get it sometimes.”
“Exactly.”
He ran a hand through his hair, debating his next words. He damn well wasn’t going to let her stay in a shelter, and despite whatever he said, he knew she wasn’t going to change her opinion about being a burden anytime soon, he knew how she felt all too well, so, really…he didn’t exactly have a choice, and couldn’t quite stop his next words, “Stay with me tonight.”
She raised an eyebrow, obviously shocked, “Excuse me?”
He backpedaled quickly, “Not like that, obviously, I just meant, you’ve got nowhere else to go, right?”
“Right…”
“And you don’t want to be a burden to anybody, right?”
“Right…”
“So, do you have a better idea?”
She thought over her options, really, if she was being honest with herself…staying with him did sound like the best route to go, “Alright.”
------=-----
So here she was. Curled up on his couch, looking more peaceful than he had ever seen her. He wished he could help her beyond giving her a place to stay for the night, or…however long she chose to stay. He knew what problems could come of it. It would be a hell of a lot worse than the whole Kimberly disaster. Because at least then he had an excuse. He really didn’t have one now. He could’ve called her dad, her sister, anyone, he didn’t have to take her in. But he understood more than anyone what she was going through, he had been in the same situation when he was younger. He wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on his worst enemy. He started to move towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water when she made a noise in the back of her throat. He paused, listening intently as she started to speak, obviously still in the throes of sleep, “Please, Mom…stop, don’t do this.”
Nightmare, he concluded easily, no other way around it. He moved closer to her as Silver continued to murmur, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, please…”
His heart clenched at her pain. Should he wake her? If he was in her position, he would definitely want somebody to wake him up. When he inched his hand closer to her shoulder, she seemed to sense a presence, not necessarily his, but a presence all the same, and tensed up, her voice increasing in volume, “I’m not a bad person! I’m not! Please, just leave me alone!”
Alright, enough was enough. He grabbed her shoulder, shaking her, “Silver, wake up.”
Instantly, she woke up with a howl. Loud and piercing enough that it made him wince, and he quickly scrambled onto the couch, cradling her close, trying to quiet her. He didn’t need his neighbors to wake up and complain, but mostly, he just wanted her to stop so his heart would stop hurting. She curled herself around him, shaking and sobbing into his t-shirt, he smoothed her unruly locks of hair down, “Shhh…it’s alright, Silver, you’re safe, you’re safe.”
It took him minutes of whispering reassurance into her ear before she finally calmed down, and looked up at him, “Oh, God, Mr. Matthews, I’m so sorry.”
It was clear to him that when she had thrown herself into his arms, she had still been partly caught in her nightmare, and she just wanted somebody, anybody to comfort her, and she was just now realizing who that somebody was, “It’s alright, Silver, don’t apologize.”
She swiped at her tears, blushing when she noticed that she had an arm wrapped around his middle, and he had his arms wrapped around her waist, but she made no move to pull away, so neither did he, “God, that was the worst nightmare ever.”
“Care to talk?”
She shrugged, allowing herself the comfort of snuggling closer to him, face buried in his shirt, “Just…my mom being a total bitch. You know, like usual.”
He kissed her forehead, and she made a tiny noise of pleasure in the back of her throat, “I wish there was something I could do to help.”
“Just letting me stay here is help enough,” she looked up at him, her eyes meeting his, “thank you, Mr. Matthews.”
For some reason, hearing that sounded all wrong, at least in this situation, “Ryan.” He blurted out before he could even think about it.
“What?”
“Call me Ryan,” he elaborated, “at least when you’re here.”
It didn’t really change anything if he was being completely honest. Didn’t change the fact that beyond the walls of his apartment he was still a teacher, and she was still his student. Didn’t change the age difference, or the thousand and one reasons how wrong this would look to anybody else, even without the teacher-student thing. But with her warm body in his arms and her trust in her eyes, he couldn’t make himself care overly much, “Okay.” She agreed.
He was going to make a move to get up and get that glass of water he had originally planned on getting when she made a sound of protest, he looked down at her brunette head, and wondered what was up, “Don’t go…can we just…stay like this, please?”
She sounded so small and lost, “I think…I think I can sleep like this.” He couldn’t say no to that, could he?
“Alright.” He relented.
She gave him a brilliant smile that made it all worth it, untangling the blanket around her body to wrap it around the both of them, before resting her head on his chest and almost immediately falling back to sleep. He just barely resisted the urge to chuckle, and instead kissed her forehead again. He didn’t mind this, not even a little. As long as he could help her. That was all that mattered. Everything else could be dealt with later.
------=-----