(no subject)
so you lied to me. both of you lied to me. there had to be something wrong when you, sam, could only make me momentarily happy. when i always felt alone still talking to you.
god i hate you and i'm sorry THIS has to be my goodbye. i don't know if this is gonna be the end of my life and if any of you out there are my friends i highly advise you to convice me otherwise because if i don't die without doing anything i'll die while i do. hah. a virgin sacrifice. that's ripe, but so true. am i too young to die? i don't know, you'd have to ask all the mothers out there who have given birth and had their babies die the next day in their arms. i really think i'm too old to live right now. life as a whole's worth just about as much as a hole in my head. i don't know whether to o.d. or slit my wrists or both. i just hate my family, but more importantly i hate you. i hate you sam because i tried so hard to be nice. and i tried so hard to love you like a friend, you were just a friend. don't think you were anything fucking more. and i hate you because TIM WAS RIGHT. and i hate tim for that. tim you suck. you should just go down as a killer. you're a killer. you killed me. you killed me using sam as your weapon and i don't care cuz right about now i'd like a bulled to be eating its way though my skull. i just wanna die. i need a friend to make it all better, but i'm finally realizing that i have none. nobody's been here for me through the hard times and nobody knows what my life's been like. nobody wants to take me places and nobody's happy with me just being me. i hate you all for your judgements and never taking the time to think about how i could be a nice person, too. i had a weird dream that i was having sex. and it was with you sam. you for some reason. though i never would have sex with YOU. and i was looking at my legs and they were all bloody but i couldn't really tell it just seemed normal to me. and as i lifted up my skirt you could see my thighs were gushing blood...just bleeding. heavy cuts deep into my skin and it didn't seem like such a surprise. i had known it was here all along and then i looked at my arms and i saw scratches and cuts and horrible horrible red blood. red like wine only fairer and more expensive. and i didn't seem to mind until they were crawling and moving and then they were big, thick white maggots eating away at my body like slugs. and i was waking up and i couldn't scratch the feeling and then i though. maybe that really did happen. maybe i'm insane. maybe i fell in love and didn't realize it. maybe i was never in love but too many people loved me and i never let them tell me they loved me back.
god i hate you and i'm sorry THIS has to be my goodbye. i don't know if this is gonna be the end of my life and if any of you out there are my friends i highly advise you to convice me otherwise because if i don't die without doing anything i'll die while i do. hah. a virgin sacrifice. that's ripe, but so true. am i too young to die? i don't know, you'd have to ask all the mothers out there who have given birth and had their babies die the next day in their arms. i really think i'm too old to live right now. life as a whole's worth just about as much as a hole in my head. i don't know whether to o.d. or slit my wrists or both. i just hate my family, but more importantly i hate you. i hate you sam because i tried so hard to be nice. and i tried so hard to love you like a friend, you were just a friend. don't think you were anything fucking more. and i hate you because TIM WAS RIGHT. and i hate tim for that. tim you suck. you should just go down as a killer. you're a killer. you killed me. you killed me using sam as your weapon and i don't care cuz right about now i'd like a bulled to be eating its way though my skull. i just wanna die. i need a friend to make it all better, but i'm finally realizing that i have none. nobody's been here for me through the hard times and nobody knows what my life's been like. nobody wants to take me places and nobody's happy with me just being me. i hate you all for your judgements and never taking the time to think about how i could be a nice person, too. i had a weird dream that i was having sex. and it was with you sam. you for some reason. though i never would have sex with YOU. and i was looking at my legs and they were all bloody but i couldn't really tell it just seemed normal to me. and as i lifted up my skirt you could see my thighs were gushing blood...just bleeding. heavy cuts deep into my skin and it didn't seem like such a surprise. i had known it was here all along and then i looked at my arms and i saw scratches and cuts and horrible horrible red blood. red like wine only fairer and more expensive. and i didn't seem to mind until they were crawling and moving and then they were big, thick white maggots eating away at my body like slugs. and i was waking up and i couldn't scratch the feeling and then i though. maybe that really did happen. maybe i'm insane. maybe i fell in love and didn't realize it. maybe i was never in love but too many people loved me and i never let them tell me they loved me back.