(no subject)
it was that day. i went home after soccer and showered and got dressed as quickly as i could, but only maybe 30 minutes into it, kate's mom called and told me she was waiting for me. i didn't know what to do. i grabbed some make up and ran. my hair was still wet, my grandparents were over. i had no idea why KATE was coming. she and lizzy must have felt pretty damn bad, i guess. well anyway, on the way over, we see a man get run over and it's pretty damn freaky, but he has people helping him and he can stand up and walk, so we continue on our way and when we get there, we're already ten minutes late, but you don't shoe up for another fifteen. and so kate and lizzy and meredith have already left to get tickets since the line was so damn long. oh yeah, and i saw brett...i sort of want to see him again because things were left unfinished with him. he never did like me. humph. well anyway we got into th emovie and when i tried to kiss you you wouldn't let me and just said "wait until the previews are over." jesus fucking christ. you're a moron. your girlfriend's trying to kiss you and you push her off you for some damn preview you've already seen. you used to really want to kiss me. jesus and then we did kiss adn you started touching me and i started touching you and i don't know what happened...i just lost my head...and then your friend and mine were being awful and the whole world knew and that's ok because i can always laugh that off...and then we had to stop because that security gaurd got all in my face. and then we stand in the lobby while you guys play video games and i feel like such a loser but i'm happy cuz i'm there with you. what a moron i am. and so kate takes a picture which turned out pretty well and i try to ditch them to get some alone time with you. we never talked and i guess we made up for that with lustful actions. but really, that doesn't make up for anything. and it was really all my fault and i'm sorry about that. i'm a very passionate girl and you just had no emotion. nothing going for you. you think you're all emo. "do you know how many times i've thought about suicide?" jesus mother cock. do you know how many times i've downed bottles of pills and exactly how slits i've had on my wrists? god you come from nothing. you have about as much emotion as one of those razors...you're nothing, just cold hard metal...but you cause so much pain. it's good pain for a while, but then it's all sour when you realize you're still alive. i had so many hopes but we really had no substinace we were like a nice water color...it's the prettiest of them all, but also the most delicate...leave it out in the rain for too long and it's a memory forgotten. and what really made me upset was you never really cared about me. you were that knife again...you were there to serve my purpose but you didn't really have any desire of your own to do it. you wouldn't give me a minute, you didn't care at all. you were so obsessed with what others would think and i've never done that. sure it's affected my actions a little. i do aim to please sometimes. i will do something silly for a smile, but that's me. i like to see people smile. why'd you care? why'd you have to care about the wrong thing to care about? if you had cared about what you wanted, we wouldn't even know eachother. you're just so alone and you wanna bring the world down with you. and then when we couldn't find mike...you just completely freaked out. it was like...you couldn't even trust your best fried to be responsible. and then i realized that i just gave up two months of my life for you and tried to make you care like you used to, but you didn't. you never could care. it's really just about the desire for something. ANYTHING! and you didn't have it! man you had a will to die and i indulged you. i'm so sick of ordinary people!!!!!!!! give me something to live for! give me something to die for! just as long as you keep dropping me off here in lingo and forgetting to pick me back up. god you made me cry. it was awful. why do i even care occaisionally/