OCTOBER SADNESS.
The past few days have been a whirlwind. An emotional rollercoaster. And I was caught in the middle of it. I now think that I hate the October that has been. Everything that has happened seem to give me something to be sad or worried about.
It has been a terrible month at work, we've been busy like hell that a lot of our patients needed to be under the support of a mechanical ventilator (thank God they lived, especially the most critical one, the Abruptio-DIC patient.. but that's another story).
My kuya's flight to Ireland pushed through. There were a bit of problems at first, but it turned out okay. he was supposed to leave by the 19th but his visa got delayed and so did his flight. He left the 21st. Everything's a new experience. I was so used to him being always there for me - someone i can just call or tap when i needed him, whom i've shared the bedroom with my entire life, and now he's thousands of miles away. But still, I'm happy for him.
My lolo passed away that night that my brother had to leave for Ireland. It was all too sudden. He just went to the hospital for a check-up on the 20th because he was experiencing a few chest pains (minor, tolerable ones) and then the physician suggested confinement and medications were started. We visited him and had small chats with him before we had our family dinner that night. He seemed okay. I remember him saying to kuya "Dapat talaga sasama ako maghatid sayo bukas pero wala eh, pina-confine ako. Pakabait ka pag umalis ka ha?". I was already teary-eyed that time.
That night, after we had our mini despedida dinner for kuya, we got a call from my tita saying that lolo had a cardiac arrest and wouldn;t wake up. We rushed to the hospital and found the medical team at his room, trying to revive him. I felt helpless. He was revived after 7 minutes, then hooked to a mechanical ventilator and transferred to ICU. We left the hospital around 6am (the 21st) to take a short nap (especially that my brother's flight was the same day). After lunch, we went back to the hospital before going to the airport. I can feel the heavy heart that my brother was carrying that time. He had no other choice, his flight couldn't be delayed any longer. By the time we got there, my lolo looked like he wasn't even sick. He looked good, and strong. We were able to talk to him, despite being intubated. We talked for long hours, especially kuya and him. Then they bid their goodbyes and we finally left for the airport.
I was already relieved that time. I felt like lolo could be discharged soon. Then, when we reached the airport, my Dad got a call. It seemed like nothing. he asked Kuya to go inside and have his papers processed while we wait for him outside with some of his baggage. When kuya went inside, my Dad told us that the caller was my tita, saying that lolo had another attack. The next one could be fatal, and could occur any minute. I wanted to leave that time and just be in the hospital.. but a part of me wanted to be strong for my kuya. We decided that we wouldn't tell my brother what has happened until kuya has reached Ireland. We wouldn't want hime agonizing the long flight, worrying about lolo. We tried to hold back our tears and said goodbye to kuya. After that, we rushed back to the hospital.
Lolo has gone into coma that time. He's unresponsive and his breathing is done for him by the ventilator. His ECG showed that his heart is in a very bad shape already - the front part is already dead and the only part supporting his life is the back. The doctor wanted us to decide if we would still have him revived if he goes into another arrest. We talked about it and decided to let him die peacefully. There was no point into reviving him again, the medications are the only ones prolonging his life, he is practically, already dead.
I never left his side. I sang to him. I remember him being proud of me whenever I sing for him. He'd always look for me when he has visitors, trying to show off his apo whom he believes can sing very well. I believed I had the talent because of him. I cried my eyes until no more tears would come out. I told him how much I loved him, and how Kuya loves him too. I don't want to let go of him, it was all too sudden. I cried seeing my lola there, talking about how his love of my life would be going too soon. I hugged my lola tight and cried with her. This has been one of the saddest days of my life.
Around 8pm, his heart finally gave up. We prayed for him and his soul. We hugged him and cleaned him up. The battle is over. We arranged the wake and interment, which happened afterwards. His wake was at Arlington and he was buried at Loyola Memorial Park in Marikina.
It was the hardest to break the news to kuya. He was crying and desperately wanted to come home. To be abroad for the first time, with no support whatsover, not even someone from the same nationality, it was definitely hard for him. Being his sister, I felt the same pain he was feeling. I was worried for him. That night, I cried myselft to sleep in my kuya's bed. Our bedroom never felt so quiet and so empty.
The days promise to be brighter, but I feel that I am still in some gloom. I know that things will soon be okay. I'm still adjusting, so is my brother, and everyone of us. My lolo's finally at peace - no more suffering or pain. he's our guardian angel, together with my cousin Kenneth. My kuya's first few days were difficult. It was a huge adjustment, and is still adjusting. It wouldn't hurt to be optimistic, it's just that right now, it's hard to do so. It feels more comforting to lull with the feeling of loneliness and emptyness, but I know that this too, shall pass.
I know I'll be okay, I know we all will.. and I just can't wait for that day when I can enjoy the sunshine warming up my face, my day.