(no subject)
so when we first met i knew nothing about mormonism. for the first year or less i had so many questions about it. he said mormons could marry non-mormons. they can. i was hopeful. i was young. i am young. then we just fell into the routine of things for about the next 2 years. it was amazing. love is amazing. i'm not saying we didn't have problems. but how could anything be good without some bad? then we came to a crossroads at the beginning of this school year. he said he knew he was marrying a mormon. i didn't want to let go so i said i'd read it. learn about it. take missionary talks. i did. at first i let my emotions and me desire to be with him control any ideas i had about what they believe. i wanted to believe it. i had to believe it for us to be together. but i didnt. and i can't.
i told him i wouldn't. couldn't. we decided to just stay together till he left. then figure things out. but they were already figured out. they had always been figured out. we both knew it was coming. it was always coming.
did you not know he could only be with a mormon? is that why you didn't get yourself out ahead of time? i couln't. i was already pulled into it at all. but you dear, i wish you could have known.
is this what life is all about? believing in something so strongly it pushes away other things that also mean so much to you?
i asked the overall reason for having to end it. "we were unequally yoked."
i laughed. he did too. but its not funny.
i believe there is a creator. a god of some sort. i hate it when people/church members/family members think "she is just going through a rough time in life." no. i'm not going through a rough time. figuring out things for myself and questioning and learning does not mean i'm going through a rough time.
i am almost thouroughly convinced people can have "feelings" about anything if they want to and "know" its the truth. that doesn't make it the truth.
i like how i'm perfectly fine right now. and i was just dandy last night when we hung out and acted as though all was normal. all was normal. its almost a relief. i knew it was coming and i dreaded it so much. now i don't have to fear the future. it passed.
i won't be fine other days. maybe even 10 minutes from now. i don't know myself as well as i would like to and i don't know if i can control my emotions a minute, an hour, a day, or a year from now as well as i am controlling them right now. but sometimes. in times like these i can stick with the idea that this is how it has to be. i will have a good life.
its a choice.
i choose to be happy.
other days i will not bring myself to have the strength to make that choice.
but today. i choose to enjoy myself.
i'm going to jonathans this weekend. tyler said he still wants to go with me. we make good friends. he's my best friend. i hope it can last.
i told him i wouldn't. couldn't. we decided to just stay together till he left. then figure things out. but they were already figured out. they had always been figured out. we both knew it was coming. it was always coming.
did you not know he could only be with a mormon? is that why you didn't get yourself out ahead of time? i couln't. i was already pulled into it at all. but you dear, i wish you could have known.
is this what life is all about? believing in something so strongly it pushes away other things that also mean so much to you?
i asked the overall reason for having to end it. "we were unequally yoked."
i laughed. he did too. but its not funny.
i believe there is a creator. a god of some sort. i hate it when people/church members/family members think "she is just going through a rough time in life." no. i'm not going through a rough time. figuring out things for myself and questioning and learning does not mean i'm going through a rough time.
i am almost thouroughly convinced people can have "feelings" about anything if they want to and "know" its the truth. that doesn't make it the truth.
i like how i'm perfectly fine right now. and i was just dandy last night when we hung out and acted as though all was normal. all was normal. its almost a relief. i knew it was coming and i dreaded it so much. now i don't have to fear the future. it passed.
i won't be fine other days. maybe even 10 minutes from now. i don't know myself as well as i would like to and i don't know if i can control my emotions a minute, an hour, a day, or a year from now as well as i am controlling them right now. but sometimes. in times like these i can stick with the idea that this is how it has to be. i will have a good life.
its a choice.
i choose to be happy.
other days i will not bring myself to have the strength to make that choice.
but today. i choose to enjoy myself.
i'm going to jonathans this weekend. tyler said he still wants to go with me. we make good friends. he's my best friend. i hope it can last.